|Reviews for Hey King|
| somebody's world chapter 1 . 12/8/2008
M... don't you think that might have happened a little fast?
| Fiercest chapter 1 . 11/28/2008
um...no im not completely ignorant, or stupid but uh...i dont get it XD why'd she scream and what's he 'Oh my God' ing about?
| NotaPunk chapter 1 . 11/28/2008
0/0 -left speechless-
| AvaLuna chapter 1 . 11/16/2008
Horra for Shirosaki! XD Awsome fic! I loved it
| Shuu Sei-Rin chapter 1 . 11/16/2008
It was quite good at the beginning but the smut part is a bit too rushed.
I know writing smut is difficult but you should try to slower down a bit and add a little more graphic details.
At least try something like:
She stared wide-eyed at the hungry man as he lowered himself down to the opening of her wet,silky core. Her heart beat quickened when she saw his tongue slowly slide from his mouth and it intimately flicked over the little nub which she never knew existed. The overpowering sensation from his torturous administration has sent her jolting as though a wave of electrical impulses has just shot through her petite frame.
Um, yeah, this is oral sex, but what I'm trying to say here is add little details like that. It'll be more interesting.
Anyway, it's not bad, but it can be improved. XD