|Reviews for Lost Soldiers|
| The Lady Arturia chapter 2 . 12/13/2014
Hiiiiii there, how's it going?
Let's get right down to business, shall we?
Disclaimer: I'm not complaining here, only kindly stating somethings that I spotted, so please don't get offended, because I mean no offence.
Although I like how you introduce the element of mystery before introducing characters, I think there's a limit to how many times you can successfully pull that off - just speaking out of experience. Once or twice or even thrice is fantastic, but every time a round, it becomes repetitive and oddly aggravating. Your apt usage of adjectives and pronouns are fantastic, no doubt, I've always been saying this, but maybe if you introduced the characters before and then described them, it would serve to read easier, at least for the main characters. Again, I'm only doling out suggestions on my own accord, you don't have to take them into consideration. (:
In the second portion, the introduction of Kallen and Ougi - you've got that down pat. That's exactly what I was talking about :D
I really really liked Marc and the gang's entrance! Especially how Kallen began to freak out, but Nagata and Ougi knew them, so it was funny for the latter two. Again, the way you mentioned the Lost Soldiers not with their names but solely with description, and brought in their identities with Marc's dialogue - fantastic mate, really, a round of applause for your ability.
Slight error: in the sentence "...seeing the canister is a huge pod..." the 'is' should be 'was' since the tense you're using through-out is in the past-form. Slight tense changes in interesting situations can serve to break the flow of the story.
I have to commend you on your skill to manoeuvre so many characters into the story at one time. I usually prefer writing one, two, or max, three-four characters talking at the same time, as I have more space for description instead of dialogue. But in a story like yours, the way you've used the multiple characters themselves to explain the story and describe everything that's happening is really great.
I'm happy that I recognized a lot of the characters. Maybe I haven't completely forgotten after all. Again, I can go on forever, considering the sheer length of the chapter, but I'll stop here and just say, great job as always! Thanks for going along with my constant critiquing! (:
| The Lady Arturia chapter 1 . 12/12/2014
Hullo! Even though I said I'm quite in-line with the canon-story line, it's been ages since I last watched Code Geass, so I suppose you may as well treat me as canon-blind.
First of all, I just wanted to mention something I've noticed quite often in the three stories of yours that I've read; some of your sentences are unnecessarily long and complicated. For ex. "The soldiers stood to attention, facing the bridge with their assault rifles ported with their left hands holding their own rifle's handguard and their right hands on its trigger grip."
I think you've missed a comma there before 'with' and after 'bridge'. And I think it should be "rifles'" with the apostrophe after the 's', since it's plural, unless you purposely made it rifle's. It would probably read better and easier if you broke it into two separate sentences. I had to re-read it more than twice to properly get a gist of it and get back into the flow of the story. Long, clunky sentences usually tend to break the flow, especially when there's a good build-up going on.
Same with the really, really long sentence in the second portion, right after the dialogue. That is one LONG sentence with too many conjunctions and far too much description for just one sentence. It would read so much easier if you just split it into two or three smaller sentences. There's absolutely no necessity to crowd all of that good, solid information into one annoyingly long sentence. Again, I had to re-read it and by the end I was just like agh pfft LOOONG. Your language itself is really good, and I guarantee that breaking one super long sentence down into three or more, will absolutely not hinder the quality or quantity of the existing material. Just friendly advice, because I really like your writing style but find myself getting frustrated when there are so many unnecessarily long sentences.
I must say, you're insanely good with jargon and canon-relevant terminology. I've noticed this from your previous stories as well, but for an action, sci-fi genre story, you really do it justice. All those machines and whatnot that you've so specifically explained in detail would just fly over my head if I tried. Kudos to you for that. That's some serious talent.
I also like how in several sections you've just used descriptions and nicknames instead of actual names. Especially since there are so many characters and so many things happening, it shows which characters are important and which ones are there simply to push the story forward. Good usage of adjectives and other language tools.
This was a really loooooooong chapter, haha, so I really will go on forever if I want to point out each and everything. You probably should try breaking your chapters into two or three parts as well, just to increase readability and simpler access. Too much information - especially when it comes to hard-core stuff like in your stories - can make the readers - canon-blind or otherwise - really confused. I could feel the smoke sizzling outta my ears by the end of it.
You've got your storyline and concepts down pat, so now you just have to put it across in a way that enhances the reading experience for the audience you're catering to.
Great job as always!
| Caimthehero chapter 1 . 7/15/2013
are either 10 to 12 years of age. *range from ten to twelve years of age.
| RandomNumbers523156 chapter 1 . 3/1/2013
I learned something: you don't stay between Darlton and his maps.
Anyway, this is an interesting concept, using the Irregulars and expanding their range from NoN can be a good thing. As for the characters themselves, they were just introduced and Marc seems to be the main one. For a kid, even a brainwashed one, he reacted very fast, taking control of the situation after de-brainwashingment.
Hm, some things I found it to be kinda odd, like the Japanese using F-15Js and the use of overall real tech (Britannian guns evolved from a different tech than gunpowder) but I guess it's to identify better for the reader. The only thing I found to be truly odd was the employement of the Gurkhas. IN CG universe, Britannia never conquered India so they couldn't have Gurkhas in their army.
So Lelouch and Nunnally are still part of the Royal family and living with Corny? Hm, let's see how this will turn out.
| ArcaneMaverick chapter 2 . 11/11/2012
I just can't bring myself to get interested in this. Too many uninteresting OCs/Mary Sues. The only interesting thing is that Cornelia lives with Lelouch and Nunally. This is not really a novelization if you are changing things so much. A novelization would be the exact events of the show expanded into book form. This is really just your fic instead of a novelization. Oh well, at least I can see that you completed something.
| Vasuki chapter 1 . 11/6/2011
So I haven't even finished the first chapter yet, but is this a story or just a giant list of all the weaponry and military vehicles you know? Back to reading.
| Zaru chapter 25 . 10/13/2010
Felt great to read it the end.
A job well done.
| All That Is Left Unsaid chapter 23 . 7/18/2010
Some things in the battles could use a bit more description and they seemed to be a bit lacking in dynamic. I'd suggest reading the Code Geass fanfic Megiddo for some good examples of combat choreography.
As well, I'm not clear as to how Nunally and Alice were able to move with Rolo's Geass on, barring that they overcame its power through some quirk of their own such as Nunally's negating its effects. "Time not stopping for good" suggests that his Geass has some sort of time limit to its use, similar to the anime Rolo's, but this wouldn't be a case of overcoming the Geass so much as outlasting it.
That said, the scene jumps were done well as usual, feeling like they could be translated mostly as-is into a movie or comic form, and it looks like you've set up for that clash with the ninja army you've been promising.
| Erifrats101 chapter 23 . 7/1/2010
I think you did a great job with the detail/description of the battles here.
Personally, I laughed out loud and couldn't stop smiling for a good 5 mins after "Madness! This...Is...BRITTANIA!" Lmao that just made my day XD
Anywho, keep up the great work,
| Knightmare Frame Razgriz chapter 22 . 6/25/2010
Very interesting turn of events. When are you going to reunite Jean and Lelouch? Actually, when are you going to even update?
| Sangome chapter 3 . 5/28/2010
I like your original ideas, but I think you're trying to include too many informations in a chapter.
The actions scenes are OK. For some reasons I can't seem to follow it, probably because I'm not familiar with most of the weapons' names. Maybe you should try describing what they are using and what is happening instead of saying the names only.
As for the OCs, I couldn't remember their names and how they look like to care. I would have liked it if they were being introduced separately or something. There are just too many new characters, who I think are overpowered, and changes; it's overwhelming.
I can't say I like the idea of Nunnally getting Geass and became a Knightmare pilot right afterward either. It doesn't seem realistic. Since she hasn't been able to walk, she couldn't be able to have a quick reflex and endurance to pilot a Knightmare at all. /
I just want to say this even knowing that you wrote this a long time ago. This isn't a flame, it's just an opinion, so don't be offended, please.
| All That Is Left Unsaid chapter 22 . 5/16/2010
Pretty good. Kallen finally learns that at least one of her brothers is alive, and she has also been clued in on the secret of Lelouch's family. It will be interesting to see how she handles these things in coming chapters.
I can't comment too much on Walzer, as I haven't read his work, but the introduction to the discussion itself feels out of place as they jump into it too abruptly, to me at least. I'm not a writer myself, so the only alternate idea I can come up with is having one of them open the discussion by just making a comment that quotes some of Walzer's work, with the other making a remark like "I dindn't think you were the sort to read Walzer." and they lead into the discussion from there.
It will be interesting to see just what Rolo does to the Irregulars.
| All That Is Left Unsaid chapter 21 . 5/2/2010
The various conversations throughout the chapter were good, and I liked the idea of using Geass to make the soldiers turn on each other, though I am unsure if Rai's Geass could work over speaker systems since Lelouch's couldn't go through monitors.
One other idea might be C.C. asking Kallen about her feelings in regards to Lelouch as Zero her leader, and as Lelouch her friend, with C.C. either relaying her answers to Lelouch for amusement, or Leouch overhearing them. Otherwise, showing Kallen getting along very well with Nunally would be an idea. Both are themselves little sisters who deeply loved their older brothers, giving them common ground, and when it comes to Lelouch the quickest way to his heart is through his sister.
I liked Kaguys in the meeting scene. It's good to see her showing a more active role in negotiations and the like, rather than how ineffectual she was in the show.
Everything else seems to go alright, though I am unsure about the sensibility of Cardinal Williams trying to pull his own gun out if he could see that several laser sights were targeting him.
| Admiral Muffin chapter 20 . 4/23/2010
Sorry for the late review.
Anyway, things are heating up as the story is nearing it's conclusion. I take it the finale will be a big bloodbath?
| All That Is Left Unsaid chapter 20 . 4/16/2010
The pacing felt better in this chapter. There was the general sense that what has been building for the past few chapters is beginning to gather speed.
Some of the scene jumps felt a bit quick, but overall they were well handled.