|Reviews for inside my heart|
| Lost Location chapter 1 . 5/15/2012
not bad for a 9 year old, and believe me I've seen and wrote worse.
| YouGotMeSoStarstrukk chapter 1 . 1/18/2009
:D Hullo! I'm very glad that you reviewed on my fic, ask the characters!
Ok, I'm scaring myself! Whoot! But anyways, I liked it!
Do you mind constructive critisism? If not, don't read this next part that I've marked off here...
The sentences were somewhat short. For instance, you had: Something hit my back! I froze. There it was again! I turned.
This is how I would change that: Suddenly and without explanation, something hit me in the back, freezing me in my tracks. I made no sound, barely breathing, waiting to see if my attacker would strike again... and yet again, another object hit me in the back. I turned to face the idiot who dared to challenge me, only to find...
See, it seems less choppy and seems to flow better!
Now, the second thing that I'd suggest working on is description. This is the same paragraph I used earlier, just more descriptive. Suddenly and without explanation, I felt something cold and wet hit me in the back: not so hard that it knocked me off of my feet, but enough to sting a little. The ball dissapated into snow at my back and I froze in shock. I made no sound, barely breathing ,waiting to see if my attacker dare to strike again with his weapon of choice... and yet again the projectile hit, only this time on the back of my head. I angrily wiped the slush off of my head, whippning around to face the fool who dared to hit me with such a trivial thing such as a snowball. As my face turned, my eyes caught a flash of pink; a whisper of green.
Surprisedly, I stuttered, "S-sakura?"
Yay for description. This will make your writing sound better and it will make more of an impact.
Finally, try to make the characters less OOC (or out of character) Sasuke wouldn't just come out and admit that he looved her, as much as we all wish he would. There would have to be a big session of soul searching aand/or interpretation to find what Sasu-kitty was really feeling.
Do you have a beta reader or an editor? Cuz if you don't, I'd be happy to help!