Reviews for Darkness In Me: Friendship
Yemi Hikari chapter 1 . 11/27/2008
Your fanfic is rather hard to read as it is very clutered, the organization, and your using underlining in the main body of the text. There is also no major emotion in the fanfic... it is just stating the base line of everything and is rather blah... I think that EACH line could be extended to be a FULL paragraph... sometimes two to three.
samtana chapter 1 . 11/27/2008
I'm glad you've done an Avatar story. I thought it was good, especially that last line. Poetic. Cerebral.

You must be excited about Twilight, and yes, I read your profile page. I don't really know what it is, but when I first saw the billboard I remembered your profile. So, exciting!

And nice little story here.

samtana
JESUSFREAK-And-Proud-Of-It chapter 1 . 11/26/2008
Hmm...nice start. The organization was a bit jumbled and there didn't seem to be any central plot. I suggest revising it and putting the characters in a specific location at a specific time of day (evening, morning, afternoon) and time period (a day or a couple days or a week after the events in The Puppetmaster). This'll help the reader to get a full grasp of the story and be able to follow it more easily. Some dialogue may help, too, though it is by no means necessary.

I like the abstract sort of view you're going for here, a sort of 'out of body' observation. Try using imagery, adjectives, and adverbs that helps to show emotion (i.e. 'angrily', 'comfortingly', 'heated tears', 'stiff, lifeless movement', etc.). Good job, though, overall, the concept is a very sound foundation, and I can't wait to see what more you may write!