|Reviews for Last Night|
| Guest chapter 14 . 3/12
Amazing! Thank you for this fanfic!
| SnowHusky20 chapter 14 . 5/31/2017
beautiful, just beautiful
| emelie.m chapter 14 . 3/20/2017
What a great story. Loved every bit of it!
| bunny chan chapter 1 . 2/13/2017
ShikaTema is the realest couple in this whole series. i bet this is more or less accurately describing how they first shacked up in the canon 3 thanx 4 posting
| Guest chapter 14 . 11/4/2016
This is beautiful and yes I know it's 2016 but I'm always up for a good fanfic
| Ijustloveanimex chapter 4 . 10/11/2015
My heart is breaking...
| AlanaP chapter 14 . 5/13/2015
Oh god, there's no proper, non-stereotypical way to say this, so, here goes: loved your story. Very, very much. The story frame as well as the realistic characters. Shikamaru and Temari have always been my favorites, and so for years, and I love the way you wrote them. Also, I find your great effort way too honorable to be summed up by a mere "Thank you". English is not your first language, there're mistakes, but you wrote the whole story in English anyway. Kudos to you.
| Mari.Videl chapter 11 . 11/8/2014
Just read all in one day... this is one of the best fic i've read so far! Really!
When Temari said "i do" i started cry here at work... i said at loud "fuck!" everybody looked at me and then i started crying my self out...
so much pain...
you see,,, i had a ex fiance... he is the love of my life... but we broke up and he met a girl... he married her just after... and now they have a child... and he move away to a different (and far)city... but, he still loves me. I love him so much... but i know he will never leave his child... we are great friends... and we try our best to hide this feeling, so we can stay friends... but sometimes is inevitable... he told me one... i love you... but i love my child more... even if i divorce my wife, i cant go back and leave her behind... so i forced my self to move on... Deep inside, i know that i'll never feel the way i felt with him with anyone else... but i need to keep going. We made bad decisions on past, and we cant go back so, i think for all this, your fic is so touching to me, i could feel the pain, the regrets, and i'm hopping for at leats they will find a way to star together )
| Mari.Videl chapter 1 . 11/8/2014
OMG OMG this fic is sooooo perfect! i could feel all the tension between both... now, i'll read the rest of it... but just so you know... its already one of my favorit
| Soul Raider 116 chapter 1 . 10/31/2014
It doesn't say in your profile where you're from, but I'm going to guess English isn't your first language. That's not an insult by any means, because English is the only language I speak, so if you can be even conversational in more than one language, you've got me beat! I only bring it up because I notice some misused words and phrasing, and some clumsy or improper grammar that could be improved upon. I'll make a few notes on such things here so you get a sense of what I'm talking about, though you can consider it a "for future reference" type thing, since you are already so far into the story, and have already corrected the chapter once.
Before I go all English teacher on you though (I'm not a teacher by the way...I just tend to notice things sometimes, lol) I want to pay you a compliment. I always try to leave positives to go along with any criticism I give as a way to encourage aspiring authors. You have a real gift for imagery. Poetic descriptiveness, if you will. I love the line near the beginning that reads "Time changes and time challenges." Beautiful! And such wonderful word craft continues through out the story. Honestly, most of the mistakes I'm noticing, even many native English speakers wouldn't spot. It really speaks to the quality of the American education system these days. Or maybe what I think are mistakes aren't in the UK. Who knows. But now I ramble. On to the examples!
The first paragraph is wonderfully done, no mistakes that I can see, good job. Same with the wonderful change line. So, my advice starts on the third paragraph (and no, I don't plan on nitpicking the chapter apart paragraph by paragraph, I just want to give you a rough idea of where in the story I am...)
There were two mistakes in this paragraph that jumped at me. And actually, that's when I decided to write a detailed review, because you're such a wonderful author, I wanted to help improve you even further if I could (not saying I can, just...never mind, I'm going to dig myself deeper if I try to explain.) Anyhow, I think from now on, I'll write the review like this...each suggestion will start off with a number to indicate the paragraph the sentence is from. The sentence as originally written will be in quotes, then I will describe how I think it might be improved. Wow...I'm coming of as really pompous...I'm so sorry. Honest, I'm just trying to help. Anyway, even one sentence paragraphs count as a paragraph for this. So the changes and challenges line is its own paragraph. Hence, we start at three.
3. "Strategies had been dismissed and thought over while the held a certain distance observing the other." The imagery here is lovely. It just needs a bit of rearranging in my opinion (that's totally personal taste though) and I also find it to be missing a single word, which would be 'each.' That missing word could be thrown in at any point after the word they. As for the rearranging bit...like I said, personal preference there. If it were me, I would put thought over before dismissed, because you have to think of the strategy before you dismiss it. But it really works either way, I suppose. But, to make myself clear, because I'm rambling again and that might get confusing, let me show you how I might write the sentence, "Strategies had been thought over and dismissed while they held a certain distance, each observing the other." The comma I added also give a nice pause. But, again, I think it works without the comma too. I tend to over use commas anyhow.
3. "Although both couldn't directly put the finger no it they weren't stupid enough to miss the signs of attraction." Okay, I won't completely rearrange this one, don't worry, lol. It's simply a matter of replacing a few words to make it flow better: "both couldn't" should be "neither could" and "the finger" should be "a finger" but other than that you're fine.
4. "But being shinobis they had learned to control their feelings as much as their bodies." Okay, I swear, I'm not going to correct every sentence you've written. This one just struck at a small pet peeve of mine that sometimes comes up when people write anime based stories...sorry. I know Shikamaru and Temari are more than one person, so in English you naturally want to add an S to make the word shinobi plural. But shinobi is a Japanese word, and in Japanese, they don't differentiate between singular and plural, it's more or less implied by context. So, despite being two in number, Shikamaru and Temari would still be "shinobi". The same principle would apply to any Japanese noun used in plural, just for future reference. I swear, this is the only time I';l point this out, lol. Two more things while I'm on this sentence, "as much as" would probably read better if replaced with "as well as" though it could, I suppose, technically still work the way you have it. Also, and this is again a personal taste thing, I would drop the "But" from the beginning, unless you move the sentence and tack it on to the end of the previous paragraph. New paragraphs aren't usually supposed to start with words like "But."
Ok, as an aside from the detailed critique, which I again apologize for if it comes out as too harsh...I don't mean to sound like I'm flaming, honest...I feel I should take this opportunity to point out that I will try not to mention similar mistakes more than once. So, that last suggestion should be the only time you hear about Japanese plurals. I apologize also for the lengthy paragraphs with each suggestion, but I want to give the reasoning behind each, not just tell you what I feel you should change. I guess it's my opinion that if I just tell you what to change, you're more likely to brush the advice aside than if I explain why I think it should be changed, you know? Plus, I had coffee like four hours ago, and I appear to be under the affects still, lol. On with the review!
5. "Nara Shikamaru and Sabaku no Temari knew of the attraction towards each other." Okay, we're going to start with something positive...as I have gotten pulled further and further into the world of anime and manga, I have grown to enjoy fics that use name order and honorifics as they were intended for the story. Which you did here, yay! It's not as easy as it sounds to please me with this because of the phrase "as intended in the story" In a story based in Japan or a Japanese inspired universe, names should be used as you've done them here though. (But when people write FMA fics for instance and call Edward Elric "Edo" I get frustrated...that's a rant for another time though...) Anyway, yay for the name order! The critique is for the wording of the rest of this sentence. It's awkward, and their should be a pronoun in there somewhere. Either "knew of the" should be changed to "knew of their" or "attractions towards" needs to add a couple words so it reads "attraction they held towards." Again, not trying to flame, but it just seems to read more smoothly to me.
Okay, I'm not going to number this one with a paragraph, because it's a common error that all authors, native English speakers and not, myself included, make. Homophone misuse! Too, two, to. They're always getting mixed up, along with many other words that sound alike. I have a huge problem with your and you're as well. So, to keep it simple with the first example: Too is used when there is an over abundance of something (I have too much time) or as a replacement for also (I'm coming too) and it can be used in another way, which I can't quite discribe, but will give an example of instead (It's too late now.) Two is the number, probably the easiest to remember, right? To is used for travel (Let's go to the park) or for showing a purpose (Use the dictionary to look up the word.) I hope that helps with those words in particular, they're the only homophone's I've noticed you mixing up so far, and like I said, I have the same issue crop up when I'm writing.
12. "And if she was a little more truthfull to herself she had to admit that by his gaze she couldn't help but obey. 'Then let us go.'" Okay, see! I skipped several paragraphs! I know how obnoxious having every tiny mistake pointed out can be, so, yeah. I'll try to focus on sentences that contain more than one thing for me to comment on. On a positive note here, I once again love the idea behind the line, the poetic imagery you intended is lovely. Something is lost in the way it's crafted though. I think it might just be a clumsy translation of a line that's gorgeous in it's original language. This particular portion of the critique might be a bit lengthy, sorry. First, I'm not sure you need the and. I admit, I start sentences with and a lot too, but it is usually frowned upon in proper grammar. (I'm such a hypocrite on that one...) Given what this sentence actually seems to be saying, though, I'm just not sure you need it. It would be different if it were more of a "And it was what she wanted too" kind of thing, but you seem to be saying that she couldn't help agreeing when she looked into his eyes, whether she wanted to or not. Maybe I'm misinterpreting though. The next thing I'd do is replace "truthfull to" (which should actually be spelled truthful to for future reference) with the words "honest with". I think it reads better, personally, and in an English sentence, it seems to flow more naturally, but maybe that's just me. Now then, the last bit of the narrative potion of the sentence is a bit of a jumble. I know what you were trying to get across, and it's a lovely thought, but like I said, I'm not sure it made it across the language barrier. Honestly, I'd probably rework it from the word "by" all the way to "obey". I know, I'm tearing this sentence apart, I'm sorry again. Anyway, this is what I might have written, minus the quote at the end, "If she was a little more honest with herself, she had to admit that when his gaze caught hers, she couldn't help but obey." I actually managed to keep most of the original in tact. Th
| Guest chapter 10 . 6/29/2013
Please update. Thank you!
| CitizensOfThemyscyra chapter 10 . 2/22/2013
author-san... please do continue... ive been searching for naruto couples, when i think shikatema is cute, i read your story and wont bother another story until it finished... i cried and frustrated reading this! and i demand an updateeeeee! hehe ganbatte neeeee
| samdawn87 chapter 10 . 2/4/2013
Just got caught up on the whole story! It's great so far. The plot twists are interesting! Can't wait to see what happens next!
| Deleted From Fanfiction chapter 10 . 2/3/2013
Ok honestly I am loving this story! Aww I love shikatem!
| Hinagiku-kaichou chapter 9 . 10/21/2011
Uuuuuugggggghhhhhhh... The angst... PLEASE PUT IN SOME MORE FLUFF. THE ANGST IS JUST TOO MUCH. No offense, but I think you may need a beta reader to help a bit... Other than that, people looking for sickeningly sweet fluff moments that make your heart squirm with embarrassment might not be too pleased with the angst in the past 7 chapters -.-"