|Reviews for Foundling of Wayreth|
| Nontacitare chapter 37 . 7/26/2010
I continue to be in awe of your ability to weave such a complex tale with so many characters and plot twists. This was a great chapter with a lot of action, and I really liked Par Salian expressing a hint of remorse in his journal. And it's great seeing Morgen and Rosemarta getting along again.
A few comments (you knew these were coming ;-) )
I have a hard time believing the twins would have Tested white. If they're as cruel as you've described, Solinari would not accept them. But it was fun seeing Par-Salian with his "posse."
I don't think Par-Salian would have left Morgen's fate to chance. Canonical Par-Salian would have tried to heal him, and your Par-Salian would have stuck a dagger through his ribs. However, I'm glad he's not dead yet.
You still have a few spelling errors. For example, "arrogates" should be "arrogance."
Again, great story, and I look forward to reading the next chapter.
| Nontacitare chapter 36 . 6/22/2010
Wow. Great chapter. I loved the confrontation and reveal between Par-Salian, Rosemarta and Morgen. And Rosemarta finally apologized to Morgen! This was the emotional pay-off I've been waiting for. And your writing was fast-paced and action-packed.
And while I still think the real Par-Salian would never be that cruel, you've created a compelling and original villain.
I don't know how I feel about Mesai the Immortal, since I'm not sure Krynn has a tradition of immortals. I think he could work just as well as a powerful wizard.
You also have a few spelling and grammar errors. For example, "your" means "it belongs to you," while "you're" means "you are."
But all in all, a great chapter in a very original story.
| Nontacitare chapter 35 . 5/16/2010
Glad to see an update. I liked Morgen in this chapter. I'd wondered what had happened to him. It was nice seeing him stand up to Rosemarta. "You're not my father!" "Yes, I am, girl, and you'll show me some respect." About time, in my opinion. :-)
However, I don't believe he would actually fight a duel with his daughter, even if he wanted to teach her a lesson. He would genuinely be worried that he would accidentally harm her. Also, Rosemarta came across as unsympathetic and whiny in this chapter. There's no reason for her to be that rude to Morgen after all that time. Of course, that could have been your intention, to show Rosemarta's dark and selfish side. She is, after all, a black robe.
Looking forward to seeing the endgame.
| Nontacitare chapter 34 . 5/8/2010
Your grammar and spelling have improved dramatically. Great job. I like how descriptive Par-Salian is in his journal entries.
It seems like Rosemarta has been travelling for a very long time. I'm ready to see how the story ends. Will Rosemarta settle down, get married and live happily ever after? Will Rosemarta and Par-Salian have a final showdown? Will there be a battle for Wayreth between Rosemarta and the twins? Inquiring minds want to know.
| Nontacitare chapter 33 . 4/17/2010
Good chapter. Your grammar and spelling are much improved, and you still have good characterization. I like the friendship between Dalamar and Sarilban. And it makes sense that Dalamar's advice would be for Sarilban to go for it (although I agree with Sarilban that it would be inappropriate for him to hook up with Rosemarta. ;-) )
I am curious to see how you plan to settle Rosemarta.
| Nontacitare chapter 31 . 2/26/2010
Another great chapter. I liked the flash-forward into Rosemarta's future. It seems quite plausible that she would eventually turn into a black-robe version of the Kingpriest.
One quibble - "Wear history was made" should be "Where history was made."
I look forward to reading more.
| Nontacitare chapter 30 . 2/10/2010
This was an enchanting chapter. I like the Krynn travelogue through Rosemarta's eyes. Nice depiction of Thorbardin, and the adventure in Skullcap. You did a very good job capturing Dalamar's character.
Your spelling is much better, but I do have a few suggestions.
"Your good but I just don’t think your that good. " This should be "you're good."
"and after listening for a few minuets there was no mistaking who’s hands were upon the strings." This should be "for a few minutes...whose hands"
"They led strait up ... just as reviled at first glance," should be "straight" and "revealed."
Again, great chapter.
| Nontacitare chapter 29 . 2/6/2010
This was an amazing story. I started reading it a few weeks ago and stayed up way too late on a number of nights. You have a flair for both plotting and characterization. Rosemarta, Morgen, the minotaur family, Sarilban and even Gremelkin are original and well-drawn characters. You have an intriguing take on Jenna, Dalamar, and Ladonna. Your storyline is well thought-out and captivating. After finishing a chapter, I would want to read the next one, even if I had other things I needed to do.
I do have a few suggestions, which you are of course free to ignore.
The God of Magic of the White Robes is spelled Solinari.
Timeline-wise, certain aspects of this story don't work, except as AU. Very brief Wayreth/Krynn history lesson: At the end of the Legends trilogy, Par-Salian and Ladonna (both in their 60s) resign. Justarius becomes head of the Conclave; Dalamar becomes head of the order of black robes. Justarius' daughter Jenna is born around this time. 30 years later, the Chaos War happens. Justarius is killed. Dalamar is presumed dead. The Gods and magic disappear from Krynn. The Knights of Takhisis take over Krynn and outlaw the Conclave. 40 years later, The War of Souls happens. The elves are expelled from Qualinesti and Silvanesti. Magic returns, as do all the Gods expect Paladine and Takhisis. The Conclave is reborn, with Jenna (now in her 60s) as its head, her former apprentice as head of the order of white robes, and Dalamar as the head of the black robes. The story of Gilthas and Kerianseray post War of Souls is told in the Elven Exiles trilogy. So, among other things, Par-Salian would not still be around after War of Souls. However, once I decided to ignore the historical problems, the story flowed beautifully. I just wanted to make sure you were aware how much you were changing history.
My one major complaint with this story is your portrayal of Par-Salian. Yes, he routinely makes rather ruthless decisions for what he sees as the good of Krynn. However, he's always portrayed as agonizing over them. While I had no difficulty believing Par-Salian was doing all the things you said he was, I didn't believe his feelings about those actions. If he really were the sneering, cruel, moustache-twirling villain he is here, Solinari would have stopped allowing his spells to work years ago. I like your technique of starting each chapter with an entry from Par-Salian's journal; what I'd like to see is Par-Salian's guilt, compassion or remorse. For example, "I must lie to Morgen to protect him;" "I hated doing that to Rosemarta, but I had to for the good of Krynn;" or "I gave the foundling to Morgen in the hopes that he would stop drinking once he became a father. Unfortunately, his drinking problem is as bad as ever; it's no longer in the best interests of the child to allow her to be raised by him." Par-Salian would actually become a more powerful villain if he's portrayed in a more sympathetic light.
You also have a few spelling errors. For example:
"sighlents" should be "silence"
"their" means it belongs to them; "they're" means "they are"
"at least have the curtsey to leave the living be" should be "courtesy"
"bear" means "to be able to stand it"; "bare" means "without covering"
Lastly, I might advise you to rewrite the summary so you get more readers. Your story is much more interesting than the summary indicates. Par-Salian's evil deeds are the hook to get people reading. Maybe something like "For the safety of Krynn, Par-Salian orders the assassination of a family. He cannot, however, bring himself to cause the death of the youngest member of that family, still a small child. He gives her in fosterage to a friend of his in need of a family. But even the great Par-Salian cannot forsee that his actions will change Wayreth profoundly." Or something like that. You could play around with it to make it more concise.
Again, this was a wonderful story that kept me glued to the screen. Thank you for the opportunity to visit Krynn again. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
| Akira 'Moon Crazed' Leo chapter 3 . 3/3/2009
O.o Me likey...*clicks next page* (The only thing I see that needs improvement is spelling, but you probably already knew that. ;) )
| Scanndalus chapter 6 . 1/28/2009
Great chapter! You are really coming along in your improvements. You still have a couple of mistakes here and there, but they aren't nearly as prevalent as they were. I can't wait to read your book when it gets published!
Keep it up!
| Scanndalus chapter 5 . 1/19/2009
Great chapter. Everything was better. Your pacing was great. Your spelling and grammar were much improved. And as usual, the content is incredible.
Great job! I am looking forward to the next chapter.
| Scanndalus chapter 4 . 1/7/2009
I love this story. I can understand how Morgen feels. He feels like he has failed Rosemarta. That is like a knife through the heart for a father.
As much as I love the story, I think that you need to work on your spelling and grammar. I know that you want to be an author and with a story this great, I think that you could be. If you work on the fundamentals, you could be GREAT!
Great job! I can't wait for the next chapter.
| Scanndalus chapter 3 . 12/22/2008
Very good. I hate how Par Salian was able to manipulate her. But I am liking the progression.
| Scanndalus chapter 2 . 12/15/2008
Damn, Par Salian is a S.O.B. Your story is getting better and so is your storytelling. Great job!
| Scanndalus chapter 1 . 12/10/2008
Good first chapter! I like the license you have taken. Making Antimodes a red robe and the head of an order. I am really looking forward to learning more about Morgen. He seems like he can be such a good character, full of depth! Great job!