|Reviews for Boyfriend|
| Guest chapter 15 . 7/24/2011
Everything was too fast and it made renesmee seem like a slut and no offense bt u write like a kindergartener
| Izobella Snow chapter 15 . 7/10/2010
| Izobella Snow chapter 13 . 7/10/2010
NeverShoutNever - Heregoesnothin lol I love their songs, and I think it's them.
| Blind Loyalty chapter 1 . 2/7/2010
Oh... oh god... *cracks knuckles* I promised your friend I would review this, and I try not to renege. Even though this is severely hurting my brain already. And I will be as honest with you as I was with her.
(For the record, I scanned your first fanfic and YES, this is better than that one. However, that's like comparing sh*t pie with mud pie).
I loathe this whole "_insert character initial here_POV" However, as its rife and seems standard in Twilight, I'll let it pass.
“Our little girl is growing up!” I squealed.
- Esh... No context or anything? Just... random squealing? WTF is going on? Where's the scene, the intro? WHY is she squealing?
Edward looked at me with a sad look.
- She's happy and he's sad? You have to write with the assumption that the readers don't read your mind as well, and while having read the books, DON'T know your plot (whether you blatantly tell them or not. Doesn't count. It HAS to be in story). These are conflicting emotions - one happy, one sad. WHY ARE THEY IN CONFLICT? You need *context*.
“I remember, when she was 3 weeks old, she started walking…” his eyes pricked in the slightest way, as if he would begin sobbing tearless cries. He was such a good dad.
- Is this why he was sad? Dialogue ALWAYS starts as a new paragraph. I cannot tell who is speaking here - its BPOV, so all "I's" should be her... but its Edward, I'm guessing? The sad eddy should have been put on a new paragraph with this dialogue. Actually, it should all be in some sort of context, because while WE know about demonspawn, other readers might be wondering why a three week old child is walking.
... ... ...
Its all dialogue. And not all of it is paragraphed properly.
“Why, I could be your boyfriend and it wouldn’t matter.”
- Yes it would. She is five, no matter what she looks like. It is illegal, it is wrong. It DOES matter; this is the age equivalent of saying "Your honour, she was wearing a miniskirt and asking for it."
... okay, I'm just going to start generally commenting, because if I had this in word, the ENTIRE thing would be in red for corrections.
Nessie's internal dialogue is flat and uninteresting. It is blatant infodump. Nix and rewrite.
You are confusing narrative with internal dialogue. Fix it.
Oh gee! She feels isolated and like a speshul snoflake! Better not get the Mary Sue radar out...
If its the life she was raised in, it wouldn't be weird or hard to remember. And with her UBER-SUE-MIND-GROWTH-MATURITY powers, she should comprehend and understand why its so important that her vamp!parents secret is kept.
Okay, one bit I must pull apart and you need to fix asap:
“She is so hot.” I heard a nice looking boy say. He had a certain stars-struck look.
I keep on forgetting that I’m beautiful to everybody. Well, I’m not beautiful on the inside. (A/N- Did you notice she has a low self-esteem like Bella did? Haha.) “I bet you a twenty I can get her in bed.”
-THIS IS AWFUL. THe Mary Sue chimes are at a klaxon level. She "doesn't realise" she's beautiful? Frig, give me a break. And your author's notes? GET THEM OUT OF THE STORY. If you cannot say it in the narrative, it doesn't belong, or you need to stop writing. It should be understood that she has image issues. (However, being brought up in what you think is a loving home where she's perfect and beautiful and amazing, she SHOULDN'T be self-conscious. In a good character, this would be a flaw. In a Mary Sue, its to make them "tragic" and "oh, but she's NORMAL and FLAWED". No, this is just a tool that's used to show how SPESHUL your Sue ie. Can it.
And must I remind you she's FIVE. This is PEDOPHELIA. It is a FELONY. The depiction of people under the age of 18 in sexualised situations EVEN WHEN DEPICTED AS BEING OLDER, is illegal. This is a crime.
... the rest is just so self-aggrandising and wish-fulfillment that I can't go on...
You need to seriously learn to show, not tell. To write MORE than dialogue. To get inside your character and actually flesh them out, rather than just describe their shell and have them walk around like puppets. Personally, I say tear down the entire chapter and start from scratch. You ahve the ideas in your head, so rewrite it. The settings, the areas, the things the characters see and feel and semll and touch. Their asperations, their dreams. MORE than just "I say this" I did this, I'm doing thise things "I'm talking again" and then I'll go over here and stand in the corner for an hour because I'm uber hawt.
| update chapter 15 . 12/3/2009
please! i'm gonna go crazy! thanks
| Amy-Skittles-and-Milk-YUM chapter 15 . 9/12/2009
Heya, Your story is AMAZING and I had so much enjoyment out of reading it.
Well Done for putting together at great story :)
| OCDE chapter 15 . 9/11/2009
OMG OMG OMG OMG
| SoftballStar chapter 15 . 9/9/2009
lol nice D
| twilight.equals.love chapter 15 . 9/9/2009
absolutely love ur story.
| SoftballStar chapter 14 . 9/9/2009
i like this story you should continue it. you have talent ]
| Twigaloo chapter 14 . 9/9/2009
Dance lily DANCE! Sorry :D
Carlisle is a little crazy. Have you seen him! Hes a vampire doctor! Thats just asking for trouble.
Great chapter lilz - hope your a smilin ;)!
Toodles buba ;)
| fanlover95 chapter 14 . 9/8/2009
I love this story and i think its kinda fits my life LOTS OF DRAMA!But it kinda sounds like your making nessie a whore so idk if thats what your trying to do or if it an accident but like i said i love the story continue it.
| amyoung3157 chapter 14 . 9/8/2009
i hated it it wuz absolutely dispicable! gawd y do u have to be so mean to me and go and write another bad chapter. you could never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never be an author for a living you are a disgrace to all people places and things plus like the rest of the universe. so do us all a favor and never never never never never never never never never never never never never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever show your ugly dispicable face on this lovely website again! jk~!teehee i had u going didnt i? i would have written more but i have to get off the computer. buh bye luv ya lily ur book is amazing, luv ur bestest friend in the world amber.
| SaDiddy-Baby chapter 13 . 7/21/2009
i luv u book
but ihink its time t update
can she be pregnant
| jjgabona chapter 1 . 7/2/2009
OMG!UR AN ALEX EVANS FAN TOO?JUST FOR THAT U R DEFINATELY TOP 10 IN MY BOOK