|Reviews for Of Morlocks and Eloi|
| Alex chapter 25 . 10/10/2013
| applepielover chapter 25 . 2/15/2009
That was amazing. You are awesome. And I mean it too. Great job on characterization (especially Shikha; I like how she's an interesting character), and plot (kept me engaged and the ending was spetacular and satisfaying). Also, great job on word choice. Your sentence structure is good, although I found sentences that could be separated by commas/semi colons and there were also minor errors that I spotted, just to let you know. But there weren't no major errors so I find this to be well written. Thank you. :-)
"She was more into the pictures of long-lost creatures and civilizations then the hieroglyphics all over the pages." It's than.
"She pointed inside a animal dictionary." It's an.
"A giant goat-like animal with horns that were easily over five foot in length twisted over it’s back..." It's its.
"A leather halter around it’s head shown it’s domesticated nature." It's its.
| applepielover chapter 24 . 2/15/2009
Good imagery of the fight, especially of rain and blood.
"...that was trained and now he carried an malicious temperament." I believe an should be a.
| applepielover chapter 23 . 2/15/2009
Good imagery on the part about the cave and the discovery of the animal. Also, good character interaction between Shadow and Fidget.
"There was no other takers for it." Was should be were.
"He left he some of the best parts..." He should be her.
"...knowing better then to even throw Shikha a glance..." It's than.
"It was the moon reflecting it’s light off the shiny crystals in the rocks." It's its.
"Large ears flickered back and forth on it’s long-faced head." It's its.
| applepielover chapter 22 . 2/15/2009
Jones said it to George. He said it. Hopefully George would see what he's really doing as I read later on.
"You are no better then a Morlock." Then should be than.
"Jones drove back out to what was left of the Morlocks home." I think it should be Morlocks'.
"Jones flashed his light on the Morlock for a second before pulling it from it’s face." It's its.
"His heart raced and he could scarcely breath." It's breathe.
"He lifted the bowl the Morlocks mouth and let him drink." I think "to" should be between bowl and the.
"He knew better then to sniff at his hand." It's than.
| applepielover chapter 21 . 2/15/2009
I assume that it was the Time Traveler who did it to them. If only he could see that not all of the Morlocks are as horrible as he thinks.
"...but Shikha comes from the ones that Mog and Fown colony raised." I believe it's Fown's colony.
"It’s worse then the ones I used to hang out with." Then should be than.
“We would be no better then him.” It's than.
| applepielover chapter 20 . 2/15/2009
Good description of Favul - I can actually clearly see what she looks like as a half Eloi, half Morlock child. Good character interaction between Shadow and Fidget.
“I say we it’s time for a nap, then afterwards of course.” I believe we should be omitted (unless it's intentional).
“Why he’s not your child." I think there should be a question mark after why.
"That’s like saying you don’t want to breath!” It's breathe.
"He cleared his throat and did his beast in the Morlock tongue." Beast should be best.
| applepielover chapter 19 . 2/15/2009
So something did happen between Shadow and Katie during that night before the Pony went missing. Unexpected plot twist (props to you on that).
One intriguing thing I'm seeing in this story is the Eloi's and the Morlock's views on love. To the Eloi it's for the purpose of breeding and not much meaning, whereas to the Morlocks it's a special bond and a promise to be together until death. You managed to portray that quite well.
"It was more then she could handle to explain to her father..." Then should be than.
"He had come for a visit to spent some of his spare time with his new mate." It's spend.
"I am not surprised is she came from that way since they are nearby.” Is should be if.
"It couldn’t be though as it’s eyes were a vibrant blue that seem to glow from within the shadows of it’s fuzzy hair." Both it's should be its.
"...after he did successfully he would be able display himself up that he is ready for a mate." I believe "to" should be between able and display.
"The male’s needed Mother Nature’s restraint on them..." I think it should be males (unless it's intentional).
"The constant abusive he received warped his unready mind..." It's abuse.
"...was tossed into a fiery pit of flames for the amusement of it’s sick owners." It's its.
| applepielover chapter 18 . 2/15/2009
In response to your review response: You're welcome. I am enjoying it (I even favorited after reading the first chapter, assuming that I would love it and I am) and glad that I was able to help in finding the minor errors I can spot (hopefully I'm not overwhelming you).
This chapter I like the interaction with Katie and Shandow, and how Katie sees the other Eloi (I also like the metaphor of an Eloi's heart to a lock).
"Maybe it’s eyes will glow brightly in the dark..." It's its.
"Nobody will make our children’s lives be any more difficult then..." Then should be than.
"For one things caves normally housed a pair of mates." It's thing.
“You were nice enough to care for me when I was down I am willing to do the same.” I think there should be either a comma or a period between down and I (unless it's intentional).
"to bear you some children and to keep your cave secure.” It's secured.
"Not to far in the front stood a Morlock handling..." To should be too.
"A large Eloi male stood alone glancing at the his brethren..." I think the should be omitted.
"The male didn’t know any better and only cocked his head to once side." Once should be one.
"Shandow lead her outside into a private..." It's led.
"Again and again he tried coax her into offering..." I think it should be coaxing.
"It was only this example that kept her hopes up that someday she to would find an Eloi..." To should be omitted.
| applepielover chapter 17 . 2/15/2009
The part with the prank was hilarious. XD
Powerful dialogue between George and Jones. Definitely questions what George has been doing, burning down the homes of the Morlocks and saving the Eloi.
I feel sympathy for Shadow. Sad that he can't control his natural instincts. :-(
"The air was so still one could one of the newborn..." I feel that there's a word missing between could and one (maybe sense or notice?).
"I do not feel welcome here any longer." I think it should be welcomed (unless it's intentional).
"They shoved him out of their way in many more ways they he could count." They should be than.
| applepielover chapter 16 . 2/15/2009
The part where Shadow tells Katie that he broke her television was comical. It's cute how they both interact with each other.
"He long debated whether or not return to..." I think "to" should be between not and return.
| applepielover chapter 15 . 2/15/2009
This story is getting better and better. More props to you for being creative and original.
"George told him awhile he kept his gun loaded and ready." I think it's while.
"Still the Morlock kept a tense body position and slowly showed it’s teeth." It's its.
“What’s wrong with you Shadow don’t be so sensitive.” I think there should be a question mark after Shadow.
"He set flame to our machinery and escaped with the other Eloi’s out the top." I think it's Eloi (unless it's intentional).
"Jones at first though this was just a playful..." It's thought.
| applepielover chapter 14 . 2/15/2009
Interesting. I can see differences between Shikha and Mog and Katie and Shadow. Good dialogue and interaction between Mog and Shadow. I have a feeling I know what happened to the Pony.
"Another lure that he had rising up in himself was the discover his own kind." I think it should be the discovery of his own kind.
"Katie wanted to protest on what that had anything to do Shadow..." I think "with" should be between do and Shadow.
"There was two smaller, older ponies..." Was should be were.
"He lead him in a round pen..." It's led.
"Jones peered outside and rolled his eyes when he was the..." I think "with" should be between was and the.
As for the incase correction I made before, I forgot that it is a word, so sorry about that.
| applepielover chapter 13 . 2/15/2009
Good character interaction between The Time Traveler (and his assistant) and Shikha. The suspense at the end is killing me. This is well written.
"...and the males chased after their woman." Should it be women?
"Do you know where Shikha went off too?" It's to.
I would suggest that there be a page break before the part where Mog asks Fere where Shikha went off to. The same with when it switches to Shikha.
“Nothings Weena my dear." It's nothing.
| applepielover chapter 12 . 2/15/2009
Hmm...I wonder if Fown was in that place Shikha and Mog visited earlier in the story. And I knew that he has good deep inside him.
"At the back an Eloi was lead forth..." It's led.
“Feel that way if you want too." Too should be to.