|Reviews for Red Autumn|
| DarkFlame Alchemist chapter 5 . 6/21/2009
Story is pretty good hope you continue updating
| strawberries and napkins chapter 1 . 1/10/2009
Starting out with your summary:
Sen is staying at Zelos' house because her dad has too much work and the Chosen's family is the only family friend she has to go to. It's easier to understand when you read it. Slightly AU. OCxZelos. Rated T to be safe.
The entire summary is fit into the first sentence, which is a big run on and makes your head spin as you read it. Break it up into parts and get rid of the [It's easier to understand when you read it.] and [Rated T to be safe.]. One of your most important jobs as an author is to make the summary easy to understand. How many actual published novels have a note in the middle of their summary saying that it's easier to understand when you read it? Nada, right? As for the 'rated T to be safe'...it's just not important. I don't think people pay much attention to the K-T ratings.
Other little things:
-According to the dictionary, a posy is: a flower or bunch of flowers; a bouquet. The word you may be searching for is posse, or: a group of friends or associates.
-Spell out all numbers under twenty.
-[“As a guest of the Chosen, I’m aloud to go where I want to,” Sen said] -Aloud should be allowed.
-Your dialogue looks pretty good. The only thing you seem to not have gotten is like in sentences like this:
[“Can I see your frog,” she asked.]
[“Can I see your frog?” she asked.]
If there's a question mark or exclamation mark ending in the dialogue, keep it there. Note how the speech verb (in this case 'she') remains uncapped.
Your OC, Sen, isn't all that bad, which is saying something. I think her major flaw with me as the reader is that she is way too arrogant. I got the feeling that she believes herself to be higher above the noble women because she could see how shallow their lifestyle is. Because of this, she becomes a character with different manners and lifestyle but at the same level of the nobles, which doesn't create much dynamics in your story.
Take this small passage out of your chapter:
/Those wimps were scared of a speck of mud. Sen would often laugh at that. Afraid of a measly speck of mud. Ha!/
Could be instead:
/It's times like these that made Sen wonder if the noble's ever truly had any fun. How could one let loose and just have a good time if they cowered in fear over one tiny speck of mud? Despite herself, Sen laughed. Something as harmless as mud seemed to be such an irrelevant fear./
And you could give Sen a better reason for acting like that to the nobles. You mentioned the town she grew up in was small and mostly unheard of, which gives off the feeling it's isolated. To fill out some more back story for her you could put in something along the lines of that the town had many wandering thieves that would come in and plunder it or something. I mean, it seems too small for an effective army, and if it is indeed isolated, then help wouldn't make it in time. So while Sen grew up living in fear of someone coming in a taking her things and hurting her, the noblewomen grew up fearing mud.
Besides that, I'm not sure if this prologue was long enough, nor did it have enough content. There was nothing that really pulled me in, no foreshadowing. You introduced everyone, set the place, but besides that, this chapter felt more like it should have been a filler chapter.
Anyway, I'll stop here. Thank you for posting this fic, and I hope some of this helps. If you have any questions or anything else just feel free to PM me about it.
| Blackrose2005 chapter 4 . 1/10/2009
Aw! Cuteness~ CUTENES!
Aw, I find the meanings of the gems quite nice.. Though, I do find something funny.. My b-day stone (Aka Diamond) Just happens to mean nothing.. LOL~ But I do understand why it would mean nothin... cuz it's see through. o.o
But don't take that as a complaint pls! I just.. Kinda noticed it.. XD
Well, hope you update! And... MORE SEN/ZELOS! XD
| Blackrose2005 chapter 3 . 1/9/2009
LOL~ Aw! Poor Sen... She went through all that crap... for a fake gem.. XD
Btw, where's some Sen/Zelos mush!
I WANT MUSH! MUSH MUSH MUSH... lol. jk jk.
And YAY! Sheena! .. Oh gosh.. I just came up with... one EVIL idea...
(This could take place after... Zelos and Sen get to know each other a lil more, and he might've gotten a hint that she likes him.)
Kkays, so Sheena and Zelos are going at it again... but instead of Sheena endding their talk with a smack/kick, she ends up making it go a lil farther~.
'Course, Sen sees... she feels bad.. runs away..
Usual stuff. XD
Yea yea.. I know.. angst, but...
Not all love stories have a happy love story!
.. Soo... Update! I'll be waiting!
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/6/2009
the butler's name is sebastian.