|Reviews for Hide and Seek|
| ElaCharm chapter 1 . 6/6/2011
Very funny and well done!
I can't wait to read any of your other stories.
| Hyper-BlossomZForgotPassword chapter 1 . 2/20/2011
They start going to Ninja academy at age 6-7, since that's how old sasuke was when he started ninja academy, and the Uchiha clan was massacured when Sasuke was 7 years old.
| JaMisa27 chapter 1 . 9/9/2010
children really can be crewl but im one of the lucky one!
| leiaah chapter 1 . 9/6/2009
I tought this story was quite good. But I would've expected Hinata to be overly polite when catching someone in their hiding space. Also, I would have expected her to stutter way more when she found someone because the direct speech to someone she doesn't know well makes her nervous.
I don't know if you do this on purpose, but I'm curious, why do you capitalise your 'You' and 'Your'?
All in all, I really liked the plot, it's cute almost everyone was in character :D
| Sionna Dehr chapter 1 . 3/8/2009
This is your first fanfic? Really? I didn't notice. I really didn't notice. My writing wasn't this good when I first started writing fanfiction, so great job.
As for portrayel of the cannon characters, well, to be quite honest, I didn't even know that Ko existed. I made it to about episode... sometime after Naruto and Sasuke's epic battle, but before two hundred then I went on to shippuden (sorry about the spelling). So, basecly me plus cannon characters equalls zilch. I don't remember most of them anyway. I also have only dabbled in the manga.
As for your dialogue, if you're writing about eight year olds, add some ums and ers. Make their volcabulary (again with the spelling. Sorry if I have bad spelling) seem a bit unsettled and smaller then let's say a thirteen year olds. Unless the kid is a geniuous (Me and spelling really don't go together, sorry) then you can give him or her a slightly larger volcab range, but still not such of a thirteen year old. It would also be good, and quite funny not to mention cute, if you put big words in there that they don't know how to use. Like... unfortunately. My little cousin uses that word in the wrong context a lot and it's pretty funny.
All in all, you have very good grammer, good character depth and portrayel (it is your fanfic after all. You can portray them anyway you want), and good description. Keep up the good work.
| Bag o' Moon Frogs chapter 1 . 2/2/2009
I love it! This is a great idea. By the way, there is a preschool for shinobi, and they start going at about the age of four to answer your question.
| logan chapter 1 . 1/11/2009
One of the things I love about Naruto fanfiction is one of the things I seldom see done. When writing in an existing cannon the average author just makes up a scenario for the characters where they either have an adventure, hook up, discover a hidden bloodline limit, or are in high school and do any of the above, the average author does not really take any time to explore the world they live in; and that, my friend, is exactly what you did here. I'm always amazed that people are writing about professional death dealing soldiers/assassins yet somehow forget to write the ninja part into the fic. You actually did this and for that sir, you win the cookie.
Granted this was a baby-step into that (almost literally) but it was well done for what it is and I think you did well in keeping everyone in character. It's a solid start with fanfiction and I'm hoping you decide to keep with it.
As for an actual critique I think your beginning was your weak point. I know you were setting up the idea before telling the story but really it should have been integrated a bit better so it wasn't just a big information dump that was maybe a little preachy (first fanfic issue for everyone and in my case it took years to break -_-)
Also, a very important rule of writing (specifically genre writing) is to hook them early. there are thousands of Naruto stories here and you managed to get them to open yours up with an interesting summary, now, start your story in a way that entices them to read further. Begin with action, begin with drama, heck I've read a few that opened in the middle of a sex scene (I really don't reccomend that one here _)but the idea is to shake your reader a little and get them involved...then keep them involved (which you did for me at least)
As for the info dump, you could have set it up with an instructor speaking to an attendant, explaining what hide and seek means to ninja children, you could have just cut it out all together and spliced the pertinent info into the story too. I could sing praises for the fact that you actually thought about this, researched it a bit, etc but just be sure you don't choke us with it all in one big literary bite
My last bit of advise is to not say things like "Let me tell You Hinata's story." unless you darn well have to. it sounds a little pretentious and can be off putting.
The good news is that you really didn't make any mistakes in the actual storytelling. I thought everyone was in character and the pacing was fine. Truthfully I almost didn't review as I make it a point not to speak unless something strikes me as worth the time (which this was) and when there is a problem I can recognize (which was really minor here. _)
I really hope you give me something else to read soon.
| totaltheTERRIER chapter 1 . 1/8/2009
dont worry u did good! i never wouldve thought of how a hyuuga plays hide and seek! very creative!
| systemman chapter 1 . 1/8/2009
I enjoyed reading this story. I thought the characterizations were good and you show a good understanding of the nature of people. Case in point was the observations of the game of hide and seek as both a way of showing social interaction and cruelty within a child's world. With this type of understanding I think you should be able to write many interesting stories. The only problem I had was that the third paragraph was one large run-on sentence. But other than that I think your first fanfiction was pretty well done.
| yoyshaia-chan chapter 1 . 1/8/2009
Can I start by saying that I really liked it, a great concept that became a really nice story.
Just a couple of things that struck me when reading,
-I thought that Hinata's speech didn't really fit. The stuttering was a little obvious, and I fels that she said a bit too much! I think she'd be a bit more shy, I guess.
-The last paragraph felt a bit rushed, and when I read it the first time I didn't really get it. I think maybe just putting some space between the lines would help there, and maybe just some more detail on the situation? I think it felt like you were just trying to put in a 'naruto being slow' scenario.
That was all that bugged me, and I thought it was a great story for your first fanfic! Once again, I really enjoyed the story. I've always thought that Hinata's byakugan would be a big advantage in hide-and-seek, but I've never seen a fanfic of it before!
Good luck with your future stories, enjoy writing, I hope you get the feedback you ask for and deserve.