|Reviews for The Day Morlock|
| applepielover chapter 14 . 7/16/2009
Hey, you're back! Congrats on graduating from Boot camp! :D
I like how you described Alana and the changes she goes through being with Crog.
There were a few passive sentences (with "had") at the beginning, but this was a good chapter overall.
"Tusker was dominate over her, then Aura and Billie was at the top as the Alpha." I think it's dominated.
"Now at least once an month he has to clean himself up." a month.
"Crog though for a second." thought.
"The man held his breathe, not able to suck in that godawful wind the Morlock heaved out at him." breath.
“I see now. You work, you feel to.” I think it's too.
“What makes you so special to be spared." Quotation mark at the end and a question mark as well.
"He wore bright red clothing and accessories around his waist rather than the dull colors the others normal wore." I think it's normally.
| Gershlack chapter 13 . 3/13/2009
Just like the previous story this is great!, keep up the great work!
| applepielover chapter 13 . 3/9/2009
Good explanation of where Alana was originally from. The part with her and little Lini was adorable. X3
"“I wonder if were are even on the same land as our home?” He started." we're (or we are.)
"He watched closed eyes." I believe "with" should be between watched and closed.
"His mate turned her head slowly, blinking heavily." I believe her should be his.
"From her point of view all she saw ugly red eyes and teeth." I believe "were" should be between saw and ugly.
"A small handful of people had managed to escape Earth in it’s last death throes over Man’s final fall." its.
"Curling up next to her he kept his eye on the entrance as usual." I think it's eyes.
"Her baby poking it’s head over the ruffled sheets. It squeaked at Alana, curling it’s tiny fingers around the mother’s." its.
"With any easy hand she stroked it’s head." its.
"She tossed the splinter aside and wiped her hands clean on his clothing." Shouldn't it be her clothing?
"Would she be some old woman clambering around in the shadows with the conditioned mind of the beasts or would she be back home safe." I believe there should be a question mark at the end.
| applepielover chapter 12 . 3/5/2009
I want to see Alana looking through those books with Crog. O_O
Good character interaction in this chapter.
"He settled his eyes on awkward female." I believe "the" should be between on and awkward (unless it's intentional.)
"It’s intensity increased, filling the cave." Its.
"There was a few bones and the leftovers of his dinner below the ledge he slept on earlier." I believe it's were.
Over the millennia’s the skin on their shoulders and backs grew thick and desensitized." Shouldn't it be millenias (or millenia)?
"His language was more clear now then the frequent groans and growls." It's than.
"The ceiling above her was too high too be seen except a few enormous stalactites and columns." Too (second one) should be to.
"The smell on the other hand was even worse then in his cave." It's than.
"Some of the residents had their heads resting on the outside ledge, watching passerby’s." I believe it's passerby (or passerbys).
| galiger12 chapter 11 . 3/2/2009
OMG! OMG! OMG! THIS IS AMAZING!
PWAHAHAHA! I LOVES IT!
| applepielover chapter 11 . 2/28/2009
I can't wait to find out what happens next.
Poor Alana. D:
"The life of trainer was a difficult one and the reason why the students were weeded out so fast." I believe "a" should be between of and trainer.
"Whoever this was dragged her at a past pace through the grass." Shouldn't past be fast?
“Here take and keep it as a reminder.” I believe "it" should be between take and and.
"It greasy and stringy with knots." It's.
“Look Crog she not one of us." Unless it's intentional, it's she's.
| applepielover chapter 10 . 2/25/2009
I look forward to the next chapter when you're able to. This is getting so good. Also, really good job at showing what happens during this chapter.
"She aimed for his forehead, it was at leas the cleanest part of him she hoped." It's least.
"Have good time in your time.” Unless it's intentional, "a" should be between have and good.
"They had no clue on why she was moving so secretly but Billie suspected it was best to keep quit." I believe it's quiet.
"The Morlocks eyes rolled back." It's Morlock's.
"The beasts colossal hands met them with a full swipe across their faces." It's beast's.
"Aura let her breathe come more easily." I believe it's breath.
"Billie grew short tempered with these stupid giant." I believe these should be the.
"Eventually everybody greed to stop and have a long rest." It's agreed.
| TravelingThroughTime chapter 9 . 2/21/2009
WHAT A BIG HIT! Gosh, how do you do it? Please keep going Pookyhorse! I'm glad I finally got a chance to finish reading it!
| applepielover chapter 9 . 2/19/2009
I like Alana's character. I wonder if Billie, Aura, and even Tusker would be able to go back home to their time.
Good sentence structure, although there were some sentences that seemed like run-ons and could be separated by commas/semi-colons.
"He snorted, pinched her elbow." It's pinching, since it comes after a past tense verb.
"All bristled and sniffing each others faces." I believe it's others'.
"...and suddenly ending out of no where as if something had picked him off and flew away." I believe it's nowhere.
"He grew very close the woman called Alana..." "To" should be between close and the.
"As they lived in complete darkness most of the time it would be hard to get ones attention by subtle gestures." It's one's.
"Tusker didn’t have the thoughts of children linger in mind." I believe it's lingering in his mind.
"...and would grow possessive if she paid attention the other Morlocks or those evil men." "To" should be between attention and the.
| applepielover chapter 8 . 2/16/2009
Can't wait to see what happens next. One thing I like about this and story that this is a sequel too is that the romance isn't predictable and shallow, thus making you awesome. I look forward to the next chapter when you're able to.
"Well since you understand English, strangely, than tell us about your Eloi?" It's then.
"Sanser starting to ask him questions personal to himself." I think it's started.
“Fucking cows. What the hell. We never had cows.” There should be a question mark after hell.
"Dr. Harden handed the paper’s back." I believe it's papers.
"Well at least woman don’t have to worry about shaving for men anymore." I think it should be women (unless it's intentional).
"The next morning Sanser was giving freedom to walk about in the containment area." Giving should be given.
"He pointed down the isle." Should it be aisle?
| applepielover chapter 7 . 2/16/2009
Oh...this is an interesting plot twist here. I never would have expected it (especially about the "aliens"). Props to you for that.
"One of the alien’s stood peering into the container they were held in." It's aliens.
"There was layers of moss and rocks for them to hide behind." It's were.
"His pencil scribbled across the papers and walked down the isle." I think isle should be aisle.
"Some had strange faces to alike to his yet different." To should be too.
"The place soon smelled of blood at the keepers tossed in meat for them." At should be as.
“Than lets play stupid for them." It's then.
| applepielover chapter 6 . 2/16/2009
I like the character interaction between Katie and Shadow, especially when they both talked about memories of them being together and watching movies. The same with Billie and Aura.
Despite the chapter title, I didn't see that coming. Good job on that. You really are building up the suspense (you're so awesome at that).
"Shadow was also helping teach her from his own knowledge he gained as well." I think "to" should be between helping and teach.
"Males do more vocalizing then we do." It's than.
| applepielover chapter 5 . 2/16/2009
Good beginning for the chapter. And I like how you made a reference to the speaking rings. Aura sounds like an interesting character.
"He was an ugly beast that seemed more animal then human." It's than.
"It' so cold but it's -" It's.
"Than again he was probably easily twenty miles away from home by now." Than should be then.
"He skittered across the maze of remnants and stepped up a serious of boulders that seemed to form wide steps." I believe serious should be series.
"To chance his luck he tilted the ring on it’s side and gave it a spin." It's its.
"...we are now installing new types of machinery since it is hard to breath down here..." It's breathe.
"Everybody is finding it hard to adjust but it’s much better then breathing in the death above." It's than.
"There was speaking rings!" It's were.
"He had been too absorbed in the rings to noticed the new smells." It's notice.
"She spoke in a eerie voice." It's an.
"These Eloi attack!" I think it's attacked.
"It was a lone Morlock with it’s hand inside the entrails of a dead Eloi." It's its.
| applepielover chapter 4 . 2/16/2009
As much as I don't like Tago's character, I actually understand that he just wanted Katie to love (although he is abusive). Good job at showing this.
Something that intrigued me in this chapter is how looks doesn't matter to the Morlocks. It's true about how beauty is considered important for a lot of people today (to me looks shouldn't matter which is why I admire that about the Morlocks. Props to you for that too).
"It wasn’t a good idea to be around him when he as throwing a fit." I believe as should be was.
"For some reason that made no sense to him like many other things this deemed positive thing turned him savage." This sentence confused me. I can suggest that you add a comma/semi-colon between him and like.
"The females would cower at the sight of him and most knew better then to fight when he wanted them." Then should be than.
"Soon they were flourish back in the upper hills with the Morlocks." I believe it should be flourished.
"She would not allow this obtrusion." I got confused since during the scene with Tago's encounter with the Morlock. Should it be he?
"There was footprints cutting paths around the body and a few scratches in the earth." Was should be were.
"There was a few female scents too." Were.
"Looks was not something the carnivores cared about." Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think was should be were.
“First time a Eloi actually scared the pants off of me.” A should be an.
| applepielover chapter 3 . 2/16/2009
So tragic what happened to Katie and to Shadow too. I feel more sympathy for the Morlocks after you gave them feelings. Never though I could look at them that way, so props to you for that. And I especially like the flashblacks of when Katie was pregnant with Billie and gave birth to him.
"They all stared at the two male’s with gasping voices." It's males.
"You die than." It's then.
"The halfling sunk his tusks into it’s soft neck and shook it violently until it cried out no more." It's its.
"He started to bawl again, dragging his claw against the grain of it’s fur." Its.
"No predator has mercy for it’s prey.” Its.
“You look more like your father then I remember.” It's than.
"It would be along recovery." I think it's a long.
"It was a big turn point in her life and her father’s." I think it's turning.
"Jones hands reappeared from between her legs with a bloody, squirming newborn." It's Jones's.
"He was sure the roof would blow off it’s top." Its.