Reviews for Adopted
tybeaniebabiesgirl chapter 2 . 3/27/2013
hat happens next
Begging chapter 2 . 11/12/2009
Amazing! PLEASE WRITE MORE! Left behind is my favourite series so please write more!
Dr. Michaela Quinn chapter 2 . 5/6/2009
This is really good. It's interesting that you would have Nicolae adopt Vicki. Although you are aware he tried to kill Hattie Durham right? He poisoned her like he did Bruce Barnes..

It was good though.. I am reading the Left Behind series now, not that it matter to you... Continue to write.. I'll look forward to new chapters.
Vaderlicious chapter 1 . 3/4/2009

I feel so bad for Vicki...

But, it's obvious that God has a plan...


Farla chapter 2 . 2/14/2009
"Told from: Judd's POV, VIcki's POV, and normal POV."

Uh, no.

There are three styles of POV, first person, second person, and third person. First person is what you're using for the sections marked as someone's POV. Third person is presumably what you're calling "normal POV" - third person point of view does have a person's point of view involved. There's limited, where it's restricted to what a character could know, and omniscient, where it isn't. For example, if you're doing limited, you'd say something like "John thought Joe seemed happy." We only know what John sees and thinks. Omniscient would be something like "John thought Joe was happy, but actually he was quite miserable." or simply "Joe was happy".

Next, swapping between styles is incredibly bad writing. The point of first person is to get you inside a character's head and limit it to what they know - if you have to jump about that much, then you should be using third person. Indeed, the fact you think third person is normal is because third person is almost always the best style to write a story in, and that applies here.

If you are writing in first person, you don't want rapidfire switches. Ideally, you don't want any - a story that works in first person is generally one that can be written from one viewpoint. You definitely don't want to switch for pointless reasons as you're doing here, where you're jumping about to repeat the same piece of information, or where you jump to the other person to say stuff that should be understood (for example, there's no point in having Jude go on about how he's praying and worrying, because it's obvious he wouldn't like the idea and would be praying about it. That entire section is just telling readers what they already know and undercutting the menace by reminding us that there are other people who are going to try to help her.)

This story would work a lot better if it were written from just Vicki's viewpoint. If you feel there are bits that really need to be included but can't be shown through her eyes, you should write the whole thing in third person, but from what you've got right now the story works fine just from the Vicki's POV sections.

Also, you have a lot of mechanical errors. Anything worth doing is worth doing well. Your writing is incredibly messy and typo-ridden. Many are basic errors that any word processing program would automatically correct. There are numerous spelling errors. You format dialogue in several different ways, all of them wrong.

Finally, your plot is slapdash. You don't bother to explain or justify your starting premise, namely, why they want to adopt her. Instead, you have everyone acting like it's a foregone conclusion. There are plenty of kids there, yet both she and her friends think it's likely she'll be picked, and indeed she is. She's preaching enough to have gotten in trouble over it, yet not only is she picked but apparently Nicolae and Hattie weren't even aware of it. Those are all plot holes that should be addressed at the start. They aren't insurmountable, it's just it doesn't seem to even have occurred to you to bother.

You could have said, for example, that they'd announced they'd be adopting a Christian kid as part of a political statement - general multiculturalism everything is good, to show they don't discriminate against Christians, or with the intent of converting her and showing that Christians are just deluded and will convert to Enigma Babylon once they learn about it. This would explain why everyone's so worried she'll be picked, why she's selected and why Carpathia wants her/doesn't ask for a different one when she makes it obvious she's Christian. It'd also make her horror over the whole thing much more understandable - as it is, he doesn't seem to actually care about her since she's just a publicity stunt, so not only is he ignoring her religion but she could probably just run off the next time she's out. She ends up coming off whiny here, especially since there are other characters who are actually in potential danger from Carpathia - okay, he's the antichrist and all, and obviously she wouldn't want to be around him, but it's not like he's going to bother killing her and she shouldn't have any trouble running off – probably more easily than where she was, and possibly stealing his plans on the way out. I mean, there are situations where she might really be in danger (say, Carpathia's planning on killing her to get sympathy, or pretend she committed suicide to send the message Christians are unstable, etc – or if that's too dark for you, you could just have something like her being used as bait, so she's in the position of needing to get away and contact them before they come for her and get caught, but has to figure out how to do it without leading Carpathia to the church herself. There are a ton of possibilities.) but you don't have anything like that here.

Like I said, anything worth doing is worth doing well. There are plenty of ways for your plotline to work, but you have to put in the effort.
Guy With 1000 Names chapter 1 . 2/12/2009
A young Christian gets adopted by the FREAKIN' ANTICHRIST? (shudders) If I was in Vicki's shoes, Ida know which I'd do first:

1. Fall on the floor and cry

2. Barf violently

3.(pardon my French) Shit myself.

I do hope Judd & them her out quick fast and in a hurry.
lulu chapter 1 . 2/12/2009
fine, if you won't write more, than i'm gonna stop asking! : (
kristy267 chapter 2 . 2/11/2009
I like it. The only problem is that you have a lot of sentences that don't sound right. It's like you forgot words. Besides that it's pretty good, i feel bad for Vicki though.
lulu chapter 1 . 2/6/2009
lulu chapter 1 . 2/4/2009
lulu chapter 1 . 2/1/2009
lulu chapter 1 . 2/1/2009
please write more!
lulu chapter 1 . 1/31/2009
lulu chapter 1 . 1/29/2009
lulu chapter 2 . 1/25/2009
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