|Reviews for A New Dawn|
| K.F. Draven chapter 1 . 6/24/2009
I saw your story didn't have any reviews, so I thought I'd give you one. But now that I actually have read the story, I know why you don't have any reviews.
Your story has a good basis (but I admit, it's typical for fantasy. It is all too similar to Elminster by Ed Greenwood and Cashnif by Larence Carry).
You need to practice. HEre are some of the things I observed while reading your THREE paragraphs:
1. You have many grammar problems. It's nothing that can't be fixed, but you need to be aware of that. For an example, you do not create new paragraphs each time a new person is talking. It makes it hard to know who is talking, and who is listening. Instead of going: "Blah Blah Blah" "Blah blah", indent after the first quotation. Also, you NEED to add more paragraphs. To me, three paragraphs is not sufficient enough to support your amount of text.
2. Your story is way too fast. In a matter of ten lines, he goes from a peasant boy to an uncaring, survivor. It is way too fast for me. You need to explain the story more. Explain the characters, the setting, the environment. A good writer will explain EVERYTHING over time as if the reader has mental problems. It's true. What GOOD writer has not explained everything from head to toe? Even if the reader is familiar with the world and knows more than the writer does (it is possible, don't doubt), the writer MUST explain everything. A good writer can predict when the reader will have questions. And, when the reader does have questions, you, as a writer, must nip it in the butt and answer those questions.
3. To me, this story is unrealistic. His feelings, what he says, his actions-it all doesn't make sense. To be honest, I didn't really believe that Leif was a real person. He didn't truly feel like a person. When he came back to the village and saw everything in ruins, he did not make much emotion other than, "Mom.. dad..." and that was typical. Typicality doesn't make a story unique and rememberable. Originality and fresh material makes a story good. But also, the emotion was lacking. It mixed in with the fast pace of the story. Be sure to explain his sights, his feelings, his thoughts thoroughly.
4. Again, it was fast paced and before I knew it, he was already in a tavern with a (magician?) gnome. Then... you introduced the fairies. After that, I completely lost faith in reading your story. It began to get so unrealistic, even for a fantasy, and corny that I lost interest. It seemed more like a comedy than a full, worth-a-read, fantasy story. And the gnome, his reaction to the impending orc attack did not seem realistic. "Oh, an orc attack! Oh dear! Well anyway, come in and see my tavern? Do you like it?" I have this to say to the gnome: There wont be shit left of your dumb tavern if the orcs roll through there and ravage it.
A couple of more things to add:
5. Leif lacks character.
6. Magician's aren't commonly innkeepers. That was actually, pretty random.
7. In common fantasy, gnomes aren't usually magic users. I know this is fan fiction, I've played Everquest since both of them came out, but I don't ever see a gnome as a mage. In my mind, gnomes are tinkerers who make up machines and do math. Not magic. That is left for the high elves.
8. Your describing words are a little off. Work on it! One word can explain most of the describing words you use in a sentence. Go through the dictionary.
9. Your gnome character, he all too easily submits to Leif's desire to learn magic. Would YOU teach someone you didn't know, how to play basketball just because they walked into your house? They're a stranger, dude... creepy...
Overall, though, your story has a nice line and can be easily used to fit any story of revenge, as I'd think where it was heading. Never stop writing, and you'll get much better.