|Reviews for What Happens In The Record Room|
| LauRa-ReaDinG-XoX chapter 1 . 2/19/2011
i really loved this, you should keep going with the story.
| carcrafter7 chapter 1 . 12/9/2009
Yes please make a sequel to this story. I like this OC you created.
| JourneyMan of Grimm chapter 1 . 8/30/2009
Well, I managed to read about a fourth of this before I had to stop. I'm going to try and remain as cool-headed and constructive as possible, so don't take offense.
The fic, firstly, is too expositional. You're constantly using single sentences to back up new information you present.
Example of what I'm talking about:
“Cross would’ve wanted that. If he couldn’t put the bullet in you himself, he’d want the kid to end it. Even though he never wanted this life for him in the first place.” She said her tone going harsh at the thought of Cross, who took care of her and looked after her like a father would when he was still in the Fraternity, was dead.
The passage above displays the all-too-common aspect present in most OC-insertions. You connected your character to a canon one and in the process screwed around with the very persona of the canon character.
Cross wouldn't ever teach his family secrets to anyone except Wesley, and even THEN Wes had to kill him to learn them. :\
Your grammar is fine, so I won't expound on such trivial matters, but I am going to focus on the plot mechanics.
Wesley is supposed to be the only person left in the American Fraternity. Once everyone else is dead, then that frees Wesley from any old bonds and enables him to be a more efficient and ruthless killer. Because as much as it may not seem it, Wesley is a villain, not a hero. In the comics, the Fraternity is actually a league of super villains, and Wesley inherits his father's legacy as The Killer. So your characterization of the assassins within the Fraternity is a little far-fetched. Villains wouldn't be so... self-sacrifcing. By saving all of the true villains in the story, you dumbed down Wesley's rise to power, and made his struggle seem all the less impressive. A rule of thumb to remember when writing Wanted fics is this: They're villains! Make them villainous.
Again, sorry if it seemed like a flame, but it isn't. I'm being constructiveand I took time out of my day to advise you. Don't get upset.
| Furyism chapter 1 . 7/31/2009
Better ending that way - great fic.
| Spyridon chapter 1 . 7/13/2009
Hmm, now this ia a great alternative ending to the movie. Well done. I like the character. Hopefully there will be a sequel story but I'll take anything at this point. :D
| Superdani4Ever chapter 1 . 5/4/2009
It was AWESOME!
| LON3RANG3R chapter 1 . 4/28/2009
awwsum! make this a story