|Reviews for A Night in the Dungeons|
| DevilsDarkKitsune chapter 6 . 6/21/2011
| nico di angelos chapter 6 . 12/30/2010
Ooh suspense! Hermione is very smart
| Gaaras-Gothic-Ninja-Sappy-Sue chapter 6 . 12/20/2009
What else is there to say except for the fact that you're soddin' BRILLIANT ! Nothing, I suppose. : )
| Krystaluvstwilight chapter 6 . 11/17/2009
| NiceAsPie chapter 2 . 4/26/2009
Intriguing... I'm interested to see where this goes
| Let The Right One In chapter 2 . 3/6/2009
| Eleve Osirian chapter 2 . 2/26/2009
here is my review for you. )
Please note that I did enjoy this- however, next time include a warning that it's a slash fic, with a somewhat graphic conversation at the end between Harry and Malfoy. (I know it's rated M, but for the sake of those playing the review game, it would be respectful to those who are younger than us.)
First paragraph: Good. Comparing the crowd to a group of lions can give us a visual of how many were waiting at the bottom of the stairs. However, I think you could exclude some of the words that really dont move your writing forward here. For example, "all looking outraged"- we know there is a group and that they have 'scary expressions' on their faces. It would be easy to assume that they are all upset so the 'all' isn't necessary. It just bogs things down.
Third paragraph: "Harry didn't know about Malfoy but he himself was ready to run back to the safety of his private room." Canon-wise, I've only seen the movies, so I'm not very familiar with everything. I can say though, that this sentence is a bit odd. Malfoy is part of Slytherin, so why would Harry think that Malfoy would run back to his room?
"Except for Malfoy, whom Harry almost matched but missed by about an inch, but of course Malfoy wasn't cursed with knobbly knees and big round glasses and a generally awkward body."
This sentence is definitely not constructed properly. I suppose the only way to correct it would be to re-write it so it flows better and doesn’t break the rules of the English language. Make: “Harry had never been more regretful of his short, meek figure. These Slytherins were bloody huge! Except for Malfoy..” into ONE sentence. “These Slytherins were bloody huge except Malfoy!”
Continue on with the next part as: “Harry was shorter than Malfoy by about an inch; however, Malfoy wasn’t cursed with Knobbly (What are you trying to say? Knobby? Wobbly?) knees, big round glasses, and a generally awkward body.” Writing it out like this eliminates the confusion, it flows better, and you don’t have ‘ands’ and ‘buts’ where they shouldn’t be.
“But this shortness didn't seem to play Malfoy at a disadvantage amidst all these brute figures, which girls included as well.”- the second part of this sentence doesn’t make much sense- please explain what you mean by “which the girls included as well.”
“Malfoy gave Nott a particularly cool, silent, calm look, which more than sufficiently served to make Nott's loud accusation seem ridiculously radical just by the polarity of its nature, leaving said accuser with an uncertain expression on his pinched face; eyelids fluttering and Adam's apple bopping wildly about.” –first off, this is one long, run-on sentence. When describing Malfoy’s glance at Nott, you don’t need so many words to describe what he’s doing. Sometimes, less IS more. Break this up and think about what you are trying to convey through your words.
“Pansy spat vehemently”- No! _ Avoid using a lot of adverbs..they don’t really accomplish much. You could still write out that the words were full of whatever emotion, just don’t use adverbs. (an example: “Joe said harshly vs Joe said, with harshness.)
“Harry was quite sure that part of that vehemence was from seeing Malfoy walking up with another girl and a boy up into his private room, it”- use a semi-colon after room.
“Pansy sneered tiredly and rolling her eyes exaggeratedly like the girl she was, consequently making Harry think how could two people so different be together?”- rolling doesn’t work in the form you have it in, because of the way you ended the sentence. “It should be ‘Pansy sneered tiredly and rolled her eyes exaggeratedly like the girl she was, consequently making Harry think (put this next part in italics to signal that Harry is thinking it) how could two people so different be together?”
It seems like your characters repeat their facial gestures of lifting eyebrows, exhausted sighs, and narrowing eyes. Try to avoid repetitive things like this.
“The portrait door swung close behind them. “Well, Potter, not your greatest hero moment, was it?”
came the soft, silky voice, dripping with sarcasm.”- you don’t need the line return between the end of his speech and the ‘came the soft voice.’
“Harry tried to hid his”- you mean ‘hide’
I know it seems like a lot of mistakes, but overall I think the chapter was good. I didn’t really get a sense, though, of what the plot is. The entire chapter involved curious glances and exhaustion, mixed with Harry ogling over Malfoy and him traveling to his chamber to discuss Malfoy taking his virginity. As an outsider reading this, I think you could benefit from constructive criticism like this. You have the ability to write very well- you just need a beta to go over your work and help you along. If not, that is what reviewers can help you with. )
| loved-less chapter 2 . 2/21/2009
Really good story so far! Well written, great chapter length, and unique storyline! Hope there shall be more to follow! _
| kizzie464 chapter 1 . 2/13/2009
great story! but how did harry end up bein tied up in malfoys room in da 1st place?
| yaoiluvr007 chapter 1 . 2/10/2009
hey! this story is undeniable one of the best that I have ever read! please continue it!