|Reviews for Roulette Rollercoaster|
| Reviewer chapter 1 . 3/29/2011
"His mastication modest" bahaha love it!
| Seth-Note chapter 11 . 6/22/2010
hey. this is not completed right? i wanna see some more draco x harry action! one kiss is not enough!
| Seth-Note chapter 10 . 6/22/2010
wow.. man snape is just pure evil, isn'y he? putting up a video of harry high on Euphoria Potion, in front of the whole school, is just like putting something embarrassing up on face book!, only all the people in the school are seeing it... But i thought is was sooo funnny when harry apologised to draco for saying he was "pretty", I just lmao then.
| Seth-Note chapter 9 . 6/22/2010
wah! how can they trick harry like that? *heh, petite & delicate* knew you liked that sort of guy 77DMK77
| Seth-Note chapter 3 . 6/21/2010
hah! a giant hamster! *lmao* man.. that was a funny chapter!
| Seth-Note chapter 2 . 6/21/2010
wow! this is brilliant! I love it! is harry going to be a model too? i hope soo!
| cathrl chapter 1 . 2/27/2009
This is nicely written, and a fun idea - initially slightly implausible, but the discussion of the wizard fashion company pulled it into context nicely. I'm not sure why Hermione is so excited about it, though - it's very much not her thing, and no matter what she says, neither of her best friends are oil paintings and she's never suggested she thinks they are :)
I do think this would be improved if you stopped head-hopping. Harry Potter itself is very strongly written in third person limited, and I think it's accentuated that you are writing third person omniscient because it's otherwise fairly similar to JKR's writing style. It's one big difference where everything else is similar. You don't really need anything except Harry's POV in this chapter, and I think it would be stronger if, instead of Hermione being embarrassed about acknowledging Malfoy's good looks, Harry realised that she was embarrassed. And so on.
Going back to writing style, it's occasionally (only occasionally) over the top. "his mastication modest" made me twitch, and some of the word choices are odd. You use "fervent" four times just in this short chapter, and it doesn't really fit any of the times. And then there's "releasing flying debris of his bolus at anyone with radius of the epicentre that was Ron's mouth". I know what all the words mean, but this sentence is just gibberish. You don't "have radius".
What did I especially like? Ron talking through his mouthfuls and eating bacon, eggs and tart :) And Harry hating the whole idea. Those were both very much in character.
I really wouldn't end a chapter with a sentence in brackets. That's just odd. But I like the suggestion Harry raises that Colin's selling his pictures to the Daily Prophet. Nice retcon.
A fun read, but to my mind it either needs to be less like JKR's style or in 3rd person limited to match it properly.
| Maryilee chapter 10 . 2/27/2009
“Come up and collect your unicorn manes.” Snape ordered as he came in. –That should have a comma after manes, not a period since it is followed by a dialogue tag.
“Times up. Get to the front with your phials containing your 'potions' immediately.”—Need an apostrophe in Time’s up as it is a contraction for Time is.
He had went into private quarters again—should be he had gone into
He whispered “Initialis.” to the mysterious object. The thing didn't animate in any visible way.—needs comma after whispered.
Throughout the chapter, the dialogue is punctuated incorrectly numerous times.
After a few seconds, Harry's laugh was demoted to just a silent, lopsided smile on his face as he looked at Draco from the floor as one would the love of their life. Draco felt his cheeks flaming up at the attention and the rest of the class 'ah'ed in admiration of Harry's affectionate smile. Harry then pointed at his chest and mouthed 'I like' and pointed at Draco, then mouthed 'you'. He laughed sheepishly at himself after that, so did the rest of the class.—This was a cute scene and I think you did a good job of showing it.
Snape glared at her for her interference but called out a different name to take to the front and swallow potions. Today was just Snape's day wasn't it. I mean, he was enjoying Harry making a fool out of himself and if that stopped, he would then enjoy awarding the person that caused it a zero. It was a double treat! This infuriated Hermione more than anything else.—This is a bit confusing and you slipped into first person with the use of ‘I’.
The chapter itself is interesting, and I like how it ended, with Harry’s embarrassment being shown to all. One thing is, I can’t quite decide who the pov character is as it never really establishes one. I guess it could be third person, omniscient, but I didn’t get a sense of an all seeing narrator either. To make the scene stronger, you could pick one character and get into their head and show the scene only through their eyes.
| yaoiluvr007 chapter 3 . 2/12/2009
Hi! this is funny! I love it! fashion show? good choice!
| rina77 chapter 7 . 2/10/2009
Ahaha! I'm really loving this fic so far! X3 I love it when Harry's untapped magical potential is mentioned. ;D Will have to, sadly, wait until tomorrow to continue reading. Please update more so that I can look forward to another amazing chapter when I get there!