|Reviews for Twilight Heart|
| Guest chapter 1 . 3/30
| draco122 chapter 1 . 2/15/2012
i really liked that. I cannot even think of words right now that is how good it is.
| smashbrawlguy chapter 1 . 8/6/2009
awesome! oh, and btw it's spelled "sheikah", with an H at the end.
| Kiba Wolf chapter 1 . 3/18/2009
Lovely V-Day story, gj.
| fingersfallingupwards chapter 1 . 2/21/2009
BA-THUMP BA-THUMP that's my heart trying too restart itself that was amazing i for one have always been a believer of minda and link.o
| Elliot Spears chapter 1 . 2/18/2009
I’m not a big Midna/Link fan (I generally don’t read ‘pairings’ stories that often), but this was a nice, short-but-sweet, and well-written Valentine’s Day story. The concept was very light, and romantic, but you managed to keep your prose quite solid – and that takes talent!
I rather enjoyed your writing style, and your prose flowed in a very lovely manner. Moreover, though your story was short, it was very well structured, and engaging to read.
I have a fan fiction rating scale that I usually use to rate the stories I read. On that scale, I would rate this story somewhere between a B plus and an A minus. You can check out my profile for the details of this rating entails, but in short, great job!
I also have some specific constructive criticisms for you, and I will list them below. Please forgive me if I sound blunt or harsh. I certainly do not mean to, I am just trying to jot down my thoughts as fast as possible. As well, please don’t take this as a flame. I am not at all saying that I dislike your story – in fact, I am only criticising it *because* I found it enjoyable and therefore worthy of a detailed critique.
So, here’s some minor problems I noted:
“Slowly the hot water began to run out; she sighed again and slid open the door”
- I find the first part of this description to be somewhat awkward. You never mention that the bath ended, or that the plug was pulled, and it feels like there was a small disconnect or jump in the plot and in this context, that is somewhat jarring to the sense of flow.
“The steam surrounded her and seemed to cling to her and she wrapped herself in a thick, black towel. She carefully lifted her hair into a tall, simple but elegant ponytail at the back of her head. She retrieved her dress from the floor and slipped it back over her head. It was teal, made of very silky fabric, and fell to nearly her knees. A pre-made slit rose from the hem to the middle of her thigh. Black lace lined a sweetheart neckline and the straps were thick strips of lace. She admired herself in the mirror; the teal contrasted the black and white patterns of her skin nicely.”
- Perhaps somewhat over zealous with the description here? The reader doesn’t need to know *exactly* how the dress looks. A brief description sets a framework for the reader, who can then imagine the rest – this usually keeps the reader more engaged mentally. But this is really a critique on style, and is highly dependant on my own personal tastes.
“He checked the fire; it was still going strong in his fireplace. He peeked inside the gift-wrapped box once more. His gift for her looked perfect. He knew it was almost time. Even thought it was the middle of winter outside, he wore only a green short sleeved tunic and white ankle-length leggings. His feet were bare and his sandy blonde hair was washed but gently rustled. It was almost. . “
- Nothing wrong this passage, but I do feel that you should place some sort of page break between this and your above passages simply because you are changing the third person perspective from Midna to Link (and it’s generally accepted that POV should stay the same through-out one chunk/increment of writing – that means that if you swap to another one, you have to indicate the break/change in scene with a page-stopper). All this goes for the section directly afterwards as well, where you switch back to Midna’s perspective.
“She set her gift down and took one towards him”
- One what? One step?
“He in turn regarded her sweet, exotic scent as if it were his favorite thing in the world.”
- This might just be me, but ‘regarded’ feels like an odd word choice here. Consider your diction.
“Inside his box lay a handcrafted Twilight Heart…”
- this was the second time you said ‘his box’ in the last couple of sentences. It just feels somewhat repetitive and interrupts the flow of your prose. Playing around with alternative descriptive language might help here.
Just a few small criticisms! Please feel free to take them or leave them as you please. Otherwise, your story was absolutely lovely, and it brightened my day quite a bit! If you would like a further explanation of any of the points I’ve brought up, please feel free to contact me via PM or email (see my profile for my contact info).
| Justice Snake chapter 1 . 2/15/2009
In a word: Beautiful!
The tension and execution of this lovely scene was executed with profession and bliss. It was a sweet little story that I enjoyed thoroughly.
There is professionalism because you leave the imagination, however lude or romantic it may be, to its own devices.
Any piece of writing that stimulates thought and provokes the imagination is worthy of a lengthy review. It all lies in the subtleties: a kiss here, imagery of her angelic body swaying within a shaft of moonlight there, ect.
I will constructively criticize this piece of you'd like.
Overall, I hope that you make more.
Question: evidence hints to this Midna being the Imp form. (black and white skin) Am I wrong?
| NinjaSheik chapter 1 . 2/14/2009