|Reviews for Rampage|
| Bookmeister999 chapter 1 . 4/20
Beautiful! Fantastic! I love it! It's great!
| Guest chapter 1 . 12/22/2017
You realize the human body can’t physically react fast enough to a bullet to make decision suck as pulling a shield in front of you? Correct?
| Eeveechan chapter 1 . 12/21/2017
A lone eevee stumbles upon the fic...
(*sits, reading with baited breath and barely contained excitement...
"Can you make a third part?"
Eevee stares up with pleading, hopeful eyes*)
| WolfassassinKing chapter 1 . 12/19/2017
I wished you’d continue this.
| Lynse chapter 1 . 12/16/2017
This was a fun fic! Pity you never decided to do more with it, but thanks for writing what you have. It's great!
| SlytherinBtch chapter 1 . 7/16/2017
can there please be more of this? its so cool.
| craftybookworm25 chapter 1 . 5/13/2017
This left soooooo many plotholes. Are you going to write a sequel or just leave us here in agony? Great plotline and writing btw.
| EJean chapter 1 . 3/5/2016
Man, this is pure insanity, but ya know, just another day in the life.
| Lewis the Editor chapter 1 . 9/9/2015
This is REALLY entertaining. Good job! I second the other reviewers' desire for more, although I can see why you left it as a oneshot as well.
| Evani chapter 1 . 4/21/2015
Wait, your ending it like this? But they don't know anything D: this is brilliantly written though, so thank you for that, I love it :)
| SSTR87 chapter 1 . 1/5/2015
Oooh I saw there was a prequel, how about a sequel? Any ideas of doing such?
| Kellsabelle chapter 1 . 1/4/2015
I love this so so much! Pretty pretty please write more!
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 11/14/2014
her head, was
[comma interrupting a contiguous thought]
there weren't heart monitors in his own world
[Your description was great…but this ruined the sense of immersion]
O'Neill was trying
[The construction of “had/was” or some other existence verb followed by a verb only adds a sense of passivity to your scene. Technically it’s called the past perfect, used to indicate a flashback in modern novel writing (but unnecessary given that typographical or other formatting does a clearer job and is used more frequently). In no book that I’ve yet read was it necessary. Concise sentences carry more of a sense of strength and action]
He had folded
Teal'c simply raised
[Another tip a fellow author gave me: -ly words modifying another adjective or verb are common in dialog (where pretty much all rules can fly out the window anyway), but are not often necessary. Your sentences come across as stronger without them]
had just snatched
[Just ‘snatched’ would’ve been fine here]
got caught up."
[Normally either just ‘caught’ or ‘caught up in it’]
arms, ran into
[Comma interrupting a contiguous idea]
Toph had ended
The guards strange
sprayed bits of metal
[Would they know this without being hit? Even Toph had to put a lot of concentration into metalbending. I like your story and idea, but you tend to drift towards telling and seeing the moment where they realize that the guns aren’t just noisemakers would probably be a very tense, driven moment]
quick, aggressive furiously
blast came from the right
[This only identifies the direction, which is not all the information your audience needs]
a shot from a zat gun, although it was impossible for Toph or Zuko to know that
[Then don’t tell us that. “Even the Dragon King’s Temple Floods” might be a good read for you because it also depicts crossover with focused description as it would appear to that character. Zuko wouldn’t see a zat gun shoot him in the face, he’d see a dark handheld device spit a white bolt of energy that lanced into his face. See the difference?]
bad eye, and
[Comma interrupts continuous idea]
he had learned
and he mostly succeeded
[Telling, not showing. You actually do show later, so I’d cut this and slightly rephrase the next sentence so the flow isn’t hampered]
threw two concrete walls
[They don’t know about concrete yet, I’d go with Kryal’s description of it resembling sandstone to Toph]
spoke up, predictably
[Not really that expected, there’s a lot of people who could pipe up. How and what he speaks aren’t really a surprise, but that’s after it’s out. I’d drop the –ly word here]
using lethal force isn't going to do any good
[It seems like they’ve been trying and it just hasn’t been effective]
torches had all flooded
by practically destroying our base
[Norad’s a lot bigger than they could shred in a minute, but they definitely tore things up. Not sure if he’d still phrase it this way, though. Hyperbole is a common feature of language]
Although you have a couple points of passivity, I think the real issues in your story were the description of things that the POV characters wouldn’t be able to identify (heartbeat monitors) and commas where they don’t need to be are the biggest issues because they interrupt the flow and immersion of your story. Besides that it’s very good, I think that with some rephrasing to cut out as many hadverbs as possible would only strengthen it. Thanks for posting.
| Black' Victor Cachat chapter 1 . 10/24/2014
Ooooh, hoping you do more!
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/3/2014
This was interesting. Great job in meshing the two worlds together!