|Reviews for Golden Moon|
| Love Lizzie chapter 21 . 3/17/2009
good story and write more ok and ill be waiting for the next chapter
| dragonett3 chapter 21 . 3/17/2009
Your writing is so amazing!
Im as caught up with this as i was with twilight!
| Calliope Jones chapter 21 . 3/17/2009
Oh yes. Perfect.
I STILL love this line- “I know. But there are questions that should never be asked, things that should only be revealed if you desire to do so.”
| Tempting Tangle chapter 21 . 3/17/2009
I loved this chapter obviously lol
and I burst out laughing at even the mention of the supermarket haha chick peas XD
| Lizbit chapter 21 . 3/17/2009
I wouldn't want to give you the impression that I'm not really, REALLY enjoying your story. I am. A little too much, in all honesty. I really should be focussing on my last two chapters...
It's true I may not agree with every decision or direction you have made, but it's YOUR story. This is your world, and who the hell am I to dictate to you what's right and wrong? I totally get that, so I hope you don't feel that my personal preferances are the only right. That's crap. Again, just letting you in on the quagmyre that is my brain.
Bella falls in love with Jasper, and are meant to be together, eh? Well, alright if you say it's to be. I can play along, and not criticise. Really, I can!
Except for typos. I'm calling you on those, but I'm glad you approve and are not insulted. :) I'd expect the same on my story, completely.
Alright. Onto your story...
Careful in the third paragraph - every sentence starts with 'I'.
"Charlie finally made his way upstairs and I was able to get ready for bed and turn off the light for my nightly conversation with Jasper." - Don't know if you did it intentionally, but you've created a parallel for Edward and Bela. Just as Edward used to sneak into her room to watch her sleep, Jasper spends his nights with her on the phone. Good. Like it.
"This was from somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond by e.e. cummings. " - 'I' needs a capital, as does E.E. Cummings.
This love-poem idea I can see going different ways. Jasper might be inclined to chose a poem that makes him think of her, she to love it, but upon Mike hearing it, think its about him, and, again, my whole 'Bella being bitten in the ass' theory. Will have to wait and see.
“The Cullens care about you.” I said, quietly. - Comma needed here after 'you', not period.
"Like how you became a vampire? I had already breached this unwritten etiquette by asking the forbidden question. I would not do it again. He would tell me when he was ready." - Am trying to remember back. I thought she KNEW how to become a vampire. Why would she need to ask again?
Really liked this chapter. Jasper is a very interesting character, and I'm really enjoying how you're "disecting" him, for lack of a better word.
Look forward to the next one. Don't be scared to ask for help, running ideas past me if you get writer's block again.
| Vendell chapter 21 . 3/17/2009
But there are questions that should never be asked, things that should only be revealed if you desire to do so.” This is my favorite line, there's just something about it. Another great chapter written. I am SO enjoying this and can't wait to read more.
| anythingzombie chapter 21 . 3/17/2009
It was good, take a breather kinda of chapter.
| eclipsedbrunette chapter 21 . 3/17/2009
I think someone is an emotional cocktease.
I can't wait to find out why he isn't with the Cullen family, and what Edwierd thinks of their relation ship.
And the KISS that will be amazing.
| lasweetie chapter 21 . 3/17/2009
So short! Nah, just kidding, I agree, it was a good stopping place. The only thing I have to say for improvement, or thinking about, or whatever, is what Jasper says about the Cullens not really knowing him or his story. I just never got the feeling that he was a misfit in the family, just a misfit to their lifestyle. It seems like the way you show Alice and Jasper they're still not really family, just people that the Cullens like and take with them places. My personal opinion is that Alice and Jasper are still very much a part of the family, but I suppose its open to interpretation.
Praise-wise, I love the choice of poem/song combo in this chapter. :) e e cummings is one of my FAVORITE poets, so I was happy to see his poem. And the song was gorgeous as well. I really like the idea of Jasper singing to Bella at night.
Can't wait for the next one! :D
| babygirl71 chapter 21 . 3/17/2009
One word. AMAZING! keep up that freat work!
| IdreamofEddy chapter 21 . 3/17/2009
Is he outside her window? Is he gonna sneek in? Aw. This chapter was very sweet, I shedded a tear during the phone conversation because I actually felt bad for him because the Cullen's don't really understand him. But the sentence about ..."questions that should never be asked, and things that should only be revealed if you desire to do so" was really the kicker. Will they each be able to admit their feeling for one another, and I know if and when they do it's just going to be very powerful. I am absolutely in love with this. Great Chapter.
| Lizbit chapter 20 . 3/16/2009
"“Are you all right?” He asked gently. I nodded. “Will you put down the knife?” I nodded again." - Kay, WTF? Does he like her, or not? This part has me perplexed...
"I smiled as I though of Charlie." - Think you meant 'thought'.
"I placed the taco casserole in the pre-heated over..." - Think you meant 'oven'.
“Now what?” He asked." - No capital on 'he'.
“I wonder if I could . . . um, if you wouldn’t mind . . . I mean it would be a big favor if you . . .” - You've done it again! Oh, the mental images this conjures! I need sleep...
“Yes,” he paused, looking unsure again. “Actually, I was hoping you would let me replace all this,” he waved his hand to encompass the entire kitchen, “with your scent.” - Ew. Sounds narsty, and possibly painful.
Something you said made me think. (right now I'm at the Jasper sniffing Bella part), Now, you said I didn't have all the information about Jasper and Alice regarding the cheating. True. And from that, I can only assume that they've agreed to go separate ways, or they were never together to begin with, and it has all been a wild, Volturi-inspired scheme to spy from within. Personally, my money's on the first one. But, I digress... My point is, even if what you say is true, and that I shouldn't think ill of Jasper, I can't help but think worse of Bella. Much worse. Because, she does think they're still an item. And the fact that she's playing with fire here, and is okay with betraying Alice, it speaks very lowly of her, and I'm not sure she'd ever do something so degrading, unloyal, or dishonest. Just my thoughts.
“Next Thursday, but I’m getting together with my partner to work on it Sunday, so I need to select a poem by then.” - The fact that she's deliberately omiting certain truths here, only leads me to think that she's going to be getting another bite in the ass soon, but I think Jasper's bite will be even worse than his bark...
Ah, okay. She spiled the beans. Nevermind.
“You gave me a hard time about the conversation I had with him last night and now this – I don’t get it.” - Really, Bella? REALLY? Dense...honestly.
"With nothing more to do in the kitchen, I went into the living room and grabbed the remote before settling in on the sofa." - She's acting like such a spoilt brat here. I don't like her right now, and have no sympathy for her, as she's acting unreasonable and stupid. Just my POV.
“Come on, Bella.” I treated him to an icy glare before I looked away. Iheard him turn off the TV" - I think you should separate who says something and Bella's thoughts onto separate lines. It would be less confusing. Also, there would be a space between 'Iheard'.
He looked at me darkly. I knew he heard every word and was replaying it in his mind right now. - Jasper's not being fair here. If he's hiding info on his relationship (split from Alice) he has no reason to be criticising her...
"But, of course, he wouldn’t be jealous. So it had to be anger. But why?" - Feel like I missed something. Of course it's jealously. They've already told each other that they have feelings for eachother. This part doesn't make sense.
Jasper's jealousy is really starting to annoy me. He's acting like Edward in Eclipse. wanted to give that boy a bitch-slap.
Alright. I know I said I was going to bed, but my blue-tooth might be out of juice in the morning, so I thought I'd best do it now. Hey, at least I'm on vacation!
| Lizbit chapter 19 . 3/16/2009
“Bella,” he said, “can you talk?” He sounded serious. My heart dropped. - Oh! Haven't read on ahead, and I'm super hooked! This can't be good...
“Um, I’m in the supermarket.” - Seriously, I laughed so loudly, I woke my husband up. He's not happy with me - or you, for that matter. Damn, that was funny, though!
"Or is there some secret human way to distinguish between masculine and feminine peas?” - OK, nearly choked trying to laugh quietly so as to not disturb said husband again. Oh my, that was funny!
“Really? Would you like to show me how much you appreciate it?” - Oh, this is a DANGEROUS question for me to be comtemplating so late at night. My mind is totally in the gutter right now!
“What did you have in mind,” I asked..." - Missing a question mark here.
“Why don’t you want to tell me what you’re doing, then? If it’s so safe.” I sighed. She had a point. - technical point here. The "I sighed. She had a point" should be on the next line, or else it sounds like Bella is saying this line.
Then, finally, right before the bell rang, she said “Okay.” - missing comma after 'said'
The love poem assignment. Oh dear, sweet Jesus, no. No, no, No! I can see it now, and oh my! Mike is going to LOVE THIS!
“Yeah, Okay..." - No capital on 'Okay'
"It wasn’t anything special. We were still just friends." - Wanna bet? Bite her in the ass - I have no doubt.
"Love might have been a tad too strong." - I believe 'love' should have quotation marks around it here.
"“They are?” He looked awfully pleased. “Well, let’s give them something to talk about.” He slung his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him." - Well, she asked for it. Never let a teenage boy down gently. It'll always come back to bite you in the ass.
“It’s okay,” I told him," - Period after 'him', not comma.
"So please, darlin’, let go of the knife and let me do the cutting.” - 'darlin'' needs a capital, as it is a proper noun.
Really good. Could feel the electricity at the end, even if, it seemed, Jasper couldn't. Interesting.
Am really enjoying it. Know I only have one chapter left, but it's 1 am, and I should go to bed.
| Lizbit chapter 18 . 3/16/2009
Here's my pondering, in the same format as last chapter since you said you liked it.
"Well, of course he couldn’t explain it, any more than I could explain how I felt about spending a meaningful evening with a bowl of ice cream. He was fraternizing with food, for heaven’s sake. Who could explain that?" - OMG, seriously! That made me laugh out loud, to the point where my hubby asked what was so funny! Good! Just, really really good!
"Jut like any predator spending a lot of time with its natural prey,” - misspelt 'just', and needs period at end.
“Ugh!,” - needs period here.
Mental image of Bella and Jasper cooking together. Strangely fascinating. Makes me giggle.
“Do you think you could find a way to spend the day with me? I’d like to take you to Seattle, just to hang out. We don’t have to worry about running into anyone we know there and I want to spend a day with you somewhere other than my house.” - Can't remember if this was the day she was to spend with Mike. Will check later. Am starting to get angry at Jasper again - screwing around with someone else... OK, maybe 'screwing' is a leap, but not being faithful... Try arguing THAT!
I smiled when I visualized poor Jasper walking around a supermarket in Port Angeles trying to find everything on the list. None of the ingredients were particularly exotic, but this was his first ever food shopping trip. He had no idea what he had gotten himself into." - Couldn't help but, like Bella, find this amusing. Good on you for the visual image this conjures.
“Wait” - missing a period or exclaimation mark here.
“No reason.” Uh-huh." - Did you mean 'Uh oh' here?
"I hung up and went to my desk. I took out my books and started working on my assignments, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the chocolate. It didn’t make any sense at all. Why would Jasper care about what kind of chocolate I liked?" - Seriously, very naughty mental images here of Jasper with a jar of chocolate body paint... Makes me giggle, as I have no idea what's up his sleeve.
Oh (about the chocolate thing). I expected something much more ridiculous (and embarassing for poor Jasper) for some strange reason...
“Jasper,” I said" - missing period here.
"He didn’t’ answer..." - one too many apostrophes here.
Overall, a really good chapter. Certain things are growing on me, and other things I'm still having a hard time with. Hmm... Will have to see what the next chapter brings.
| Lizbit chapter 17 . 3/16/2009
I've changed my review format a bit for this chapter, as I felt I had so many emotions and reactions all coming at me at once. So, here's how it went from beginning to end.
..."Plus, Mike is still watching, and we don’t want him to think you’re driving off to meet another suitor.” - Oh, c'mon, Jasper! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! AHEM! Aren't you MARRIED to someone ELSE for heaven's sake?
"...And when you took away my ability to feel that anger and forced me to feel the exact opposite, I felt completely helpless and violated.” - Whoa. Go Bella. Honestly, I didn't see this coming. The anger, yes, but not the ability to articulate it. Am impressed, both in you as a writer, and her. Nice.
"Jasper’s face contorted in pain, as though I’d hit him. His hands balled into fists and he squeezed his eyes tight, his face still twisted into a grimace." - Is it bad of me that I secretly wished him to bite her here?
"But I keep screwing it up. I do things that I think will make you feel better, but it all seems to go wrong and I don’t know why or how to change it. What do I do to stop driving you away?” - Reminds me of Jacob here in NM & E.
"Oh crap. Open mouth, insert foot." - Loved this line. Really good!
“I swear it will never happen again!” - This reads like he's screaming it at her.
Overall, a really good chapter. Strangely, one of my favourites. I still have some issues (mine, not yours), and unanswered questions, but am enjoying watching this unfold.
It's not quite midnight. Think I can sqeeze in another. Yeah, I know, I was supposed to write. But, I have all day for that tomorrow...