|Reviews for Will we Ever see the Surface Again!|
| oskyanoon chapter 2 . 5/13/2010
Just wanted to give you a heads up that i'm back now, let me know when you need me to write and if you need a beta for your chapters i'd be glad to help
| SilverDreamer-PhoenixotD chapter 2 . 12/9/2009
Okay, not bad, though like what some other people said, whenever there's a new speaker, start a new paragraph. Otherwise, it's alright.
| Chaos Lord Roscoso chapter 2 . 12/8/2009
Much better, but remember what I said in the chapter 1 review, it'll help...I think.
| Chaos Lord Roscoso chapter 1 . 12/8/2009
Not bad but one thing, when you have a character say something, start a new paragraph after it like this
"Omega fire away!"
Omega began firing a barrage of missles.
Like that, gives it more room.
| Warlord-Xana chapter 2 . 10/14/2009
It was well written, i don't like ooc but i must say the plot is quit brilliantly done.
| paulinaghost chapter 1 . 9/5/2009
this story is pretty cool if not confusing in some parts. I love lazlo in this. what happened to that show?
| ngrey651 chapter 2 . 8/27/2009
Ah, good, a full explanation of the alien antagonists! That's always helpful. You want to make sure that all your readers have at least a basic GIST of who's good and bad, though if needed, keep SOME good stuff in the dark so as to add twists later.
Word to the wise though: when explaining about the characters, it's usually best to do it "in character", like having the good guys telling rookies about what they're going to face. "Word of God" doesn't always go over too well in Fanfics, but I felt you did a good enough job here. Keep up the good work. :nod:
| ngrey651 chapter 1 . 8/27/2009
Obviously you've got a lot of thought put into this crossover...I shall endevour to continue onto the next chappie and see what else is coming! :D
| Evil Riggs chapter 1 . 7/22/2009
Dense with circumstance and with ideas (some quite good, some rather "meh"), this chapter is a definite mixed bag. While the events related are pretty awesome, the presentation is so rushed that it feels like a summary rather than a full-fledged story.
My suggestions are thus:
-First off, be sure to separate your dialogue so that each new speaker starts a new paragraph. This is very important, as it helps keep the document clean and helps the reader to know who's talking at any one point. As such, this:
[“Good work Lazlo”. Said Slinkman. “Oh Sergeant Slinkman. Its good to see you sir”. Said Lazlo. “Yeah you too. Good work here soldier. With Zcloris VI under our control will be able to set up those spell towers which we could use as a temporary shield from Nojaren assaults”. Replied Slinkman.]
. . . should look like this:
[“Good work Lazlo,” said Slinkman.
“Oh Sergeant Slinkman. Its good to see you sir," said Lazlo.
“Yeah, you too. Good work here soldier. With Zcloris VI under our control will be able to set up those spell towers which we could use as a temporary shield from Nojaren assaults,” replied Slinkman.]
Note that I changed some punctuation in the second version. If you go with the above format, your story will be much easier to read and follow.
-Even though you start off in the middle of a battle and definitely want a quick, harried feel to the story, you definitely need to slow down. Right now, you're telling us the story so fast that there's not time for the reader to really savor the events. Slow down and describe people, places, and events more fully. Give us sensory details from the story. What does Zcloris look like? What does Lazlo smell, hear, and even taste? What does it feel like to ascend the tower and pull the trigger on the Nojaren taskmaster?
Answer these questions within the story and it will be a much richer, more vivid experience for the reader. You have some good ideas - now you just need to bring them to life.
-You undermine yourself a bit by telling us that the Nojaren are the most destructive race in the cosmos, but then describing them as ineffective blowhards who can be taken down with relative ease by a squad of rookie grunts. This is definite Galactic Empire territory, where the bad guys were unstoppable in the past but can't seem to even shoot straight in the present. I would suggest reconsidering the taskmasters' characterization here, especially if you want the Nojaren to be a credible threat to the protagonists. Make them creepy, vicious, deadly - anything to make me believe that they're a true hazard.
That's all I have, for now. You have a good start here. The skeleton is already in place; now all you have to do is layer some meat on those bones. Good luck as this progresses!
| Shadow-DJ chapter 2 . 7/5/2009
good job again.
| Shadow-DJ chapter 1 . 7/5/2009
| Mizagium chapter 2 . 7/4/2009
First off, sorry about not getting around t this earlier. I know I said I would, but I got sidetracked.
Lots of characters! Gosh, I agree, we do need more MASSIVE crossovers. there's nothing really negative to say about this. I'm not sure what I can say except: KEEP GOING!
| Amber Pegasus chapter 2 . 7/3/2009
Very intresting and exciting at the same time.
| charizardag chapter 2 . 5/13/2009
That's alot of cartoons. it looks interesting, keep it up