|Reviews for Perseverance|
| Galbert-Kun chapter 1 . 10/5/2010
"Naruto can scarcely move, apart from blinking. Another training session leaves him incapacitated. Every inch of his body aches; his wounds cry out for the soothing touch of a healer. Sakura offered to lay hands on him earlier, as she always does, but he refused. He prefers to leave the wounds as is; bleeding, throbbing, gnawing away at the vulnerable flesh."
I'm going to memorize these sentences so that whenever I go lift weights, I say this for motivation to destroy the bench, circuits et al. These lines speak out because when you work your ass off, THAT is how you are suppose to feel afterwards. Well, maybe not exactly like Naruto, but something like that.
Good lil one shot though, I feel this.
| Magical Mistress Sarai chapter 1 . 9/22/2010
Your tone is very consistent throughout the entire piece... it is strong and driven and I felt that the dedication and perseverance in Naruto were well conveyed.
Thus, the rest of my critique is entirely grammatical. You have several instances where you start sentences with "And"... which is allowed, but I would caution against the use of it as it is more of a prose device, or used at the beginning of a paragraph. Especially in this sentence:
"And Naruto handles his pain remarkably well. He's dealt with worse pain. Far worse."
with a simple reworking...
"Naruto is capable of handling his pain remarkably well; he's dealt with worse. Far worse."
The "And" sort of conveys that this is "tacked-on" or an afterthought, and really... this is a major piece of his character. Everything that Naruto is, he fought for it... through sweat, pain, and blood. That is your point. That is your message. Drive each image like a hammer to a nail. Hit your reader with relentless image and make them feel just as battered as Naruto himself. Get rid of the "and". Nothing is tacked-on.
Another instance is where you need to connect independent clauses together. Such as:
"And yes, Naruto is strong, quite strong. Yet it is simply not enough."
Combine these and work them together:
"Yes, Naruto is strong, quite strong compared to others, yet he knows this strength isn't enough."
It's the ebb-and-flow of images that either make or break a short piece like this. You have too many instances where you break that flow by having conjunctions start your sentences. Get rid of these instances and connect your sentences together... making the continuance of images flow.
You have a powerful little piece here, and I think I actually like it better than Never Again.
| signelchan chapter 1 . 5/13/2009
My gosh. I loved the tone and style of this! It makes me realize exactly how much I need to improve!
Anyway, it was great. The way you told the story was brilliant. I could actually see the characters in this point of view.
Amazing work, Silv~
| lacihparg chapter 1 . 2/27/2009
Wow. This is sorta like my new writing style-and I love it.
I've fallen in love with taking concepts any normal being would consider mentally insane and completely stupid and trying to prove the character's point: "I'm not mad" or "All this is for the better."
You did just that: "Oh, don;t worry~ I never break my promises; I'll train until I die or get stronger. I have to save Sasuke."
I absolutely love it, Dani.
| Kikyo-chan chapter 1 . 2/26/2009
Wow, great story for being so short! Write more!
| manhattan martini chapter 1 . 2/26/2009