|Reviews for Its STILL Not Over: Redux|
| Martin III chapter 6 . 6/14/2010
Fun little chapter, nice and fast paced. I'm a bit bothered by the scenes in Areivir, as they don't have any apparent purpose yet, and while well-written, I don't know that the goofy tone works. Too early to tell about either of those things, though, so I'm reserving final judgment.
Here's the list of little problems:
1."The desperate angel retaliated." The word "retaliated" doesn't make sense in this context, and "the" should not be capitalized.
2."...who's cloths barely maintained modesty." That should be "whose clothes".
3."...to reduce the pani from..." I think you meant "pain".
4."haphazard" should not be hyphenated.
5."...the large ploom of smoke..." That's "plume".
6."Kurohyou began to wobbly marched forward." Several errors there; I'd rewrite that sentence as "Kurohyou wobbled towards him."
Anyway, the opening scene is very good. The group's reaction to Zero's death is credible, and Nardi's grief comes out with heartfelt conviction.
I still like the grove joke, though the opening of this scene does help me realize that, in addition to the fandom characters getting less limelight than their due, we haven't gotten much development of Gin since his introduction. The fight is good fun, no particular standout sequences, but consistently intense. Your usual good action stuff.
So hurry up and get the next chapter out already, would ya?
| Martin III chapter 5 . 6/3/2010
To be frank, not one of my favorite chapters, mainly because I feel the wedding was essentially brushed over... The event screams for some personal perspectives from either Ein or Fia. You did succeed in showing us Ein's feelings before the event without going into his head, but it feels insufficient. I could have really gone for some traditional reflection prose in these scenes.
So, decent humor in the first half. The battle sequence isn't bad, though the foul language is definitely overused in it.
The conversation between Zero and Nell is good, maybe even my favorite part of the chapter. Very realistic dialogue, and I like the hinting at untold backstory between them. Nardi's dream is a very grisly and effective bit of foreshadowing as well.
The usual list of minor problems:
1,2."...a clearing with two rows of columns of benches consisting of 4 rows each. A large white, lavishly decorated with every..." The phrase "rows of" is a redundancy. And you left out the noun that should follow "decorated".
3."His hands where covered..." I think you meant "were".
4."Kurohyou Gasped, recoiling..." "Gasped" shouldn't be capitalized.
5."A large Dark red Dangan flew from the flames Striking Ledah and jack," The capitalization is all messed up here. Should be "dark", "striking", and "Jack".
6."...the Monotone voice of..." "Monotone" shouldn't be capitalized.
7."clothes", not "cloths".
8."...the Unconscious Jack hanging..." "Unconscious" should not be capitalized.
9."...need to be Dealt with," "Dealt" should not be capitalized, and the sentence should end with a period.
10."...to chedk it out." Self-explanatory.
11."The area illumitaed, a dull..." That's "illuminated".
Sorry that I don't have as many comments for this chapter. It's not bad; I just feel that a lot more could have been put into the wedding.
| Martin III chapter 4 . 5/30/2010
Not a bad couple of chapters, though the fight scene in chapter 3 is, like the one in chapter 2, noticeably too Zero-centric and, unlike the one in chapter 2, not well-choreographed... to be honest, it's fairly confusing and hard to follow.
But moving on to the good stuff... I loved the ludicrous contests to determine the best man and maid of honor. More contrived than character-driven humor, but still funny. But certainly the real highlight is the resolutions of the contests; very imaginative, and they both draw on the characters' personalities to get their "zing". I certainly agree that, while described as a tomboy, Serene does know how to flirt. And Zero's (normally) unshakable dignity is what makes his blurting out his disdainful remarks at the wrong moment so humorous.
Zero's little talk with Nardi was a nice moment. Gives us a little more of Nardi's POV than we're used to, but it works.
Nell makes a good addition to the cast, plot wise, as it makes sense for Asgard to have some sort of official reaction. Her personality needs a lot more development, though... hopefully that's forthcoming.
Another list of little problems with the writing:
1."...and Zero's epic Battle of wills, Which could..." You've mistakenly capitalized "battle" and "which".
2."...and could maybe mistaken..." That's "be", not "maybe".
3."The two Angels' gazes..." "Angels'" should not be capitalized.
4."At least it was," Should be "At least they weren't,"
5."The Older brother of..." "Older" should not be capitalized.
6."...energy around is blade," I think you meant "his blade,"
whole paragraph containing #2-6 is severely oversized.
8."...decided the y would resume..." You have a space in the middle of "they".
9."...thick Ice wall that..." "Ice" should not be capitalized.
10."...who's mind had wondered off to..." Double typo. Should be "...whose mind had wandered off to..."
11."...the large ploom of smoke..." That's "plume of smoke."
12."Zero Reared back kicking the Fallen one Hard..." You've mistakenly capitalized "reared" and "hard".
13."Zero began Healing Serene" Double typo. Should be "Zero began healing Serene."
14."...get stronger," training and now sat in Ein's empty home." The "and" doesn't belong there.
15."...saved a rock form the dirt road..." I think you meant "from", not "form".
16."Nardi Got a good..." "got" shouldn't be capitalized.
17."Fia lead her upstairs," Should be "Fia led her upstairs."
So, the humor saves the day with these chapters, though the characterizations are going nicely as well. I'm looking forward to the wedding...
| Martin III chapter 2 . 5/2/2010
Pretty solid start. I don't have much to say about these chapters that I didn't already say in my reviews for the original versions, but it's nice to see that the problems have been taken care of. (I do miss "Sing for me Benihime!", though.)
Some minor problems with the writing worth fixing:
are an awful lot of words that are erroneously capitalized(e.g."...everything," He wheezed," "...the mat The merchant had..."). Something to watch out for.
typos: "that a Grim angels," ""Don't forget to make he doesn't", ""Zero, and your in Elendia," "with Ledah in toe,"
3."On the menu this fine morning was scrambled dragon eggs,bacon," That should be "were", not "was".
4."...whipping his face with a provided napkin." Unless Gin is a masochist, that should be "wiping".
5."So Sanzoku?" Who's speaking there?
As for the additions, I enjoyed the humorous bits such as Nardi and Lina's little banter about Nardi flying them, Zero wearing party favors, and Nardi sacrificing his sense of balance to become a Grim Angel. As I've mentioned, your comic relief is improving, drawing more on the characters.
The best improvement, however, is the fight with Sanzoku. While it is noticeably too Zero-centric, it is extremely well-choreographed, and the explanation for Sanzoku's shadow powers is complex and interesting.
So once again, solid beginning to the story, and a definite improvement over "It's not over not by a long Shot". I'll be getting to the next couple chapters shortly.
| AlcheLuna chapter 2 . 8/29/2009
it's a very long time since i this story has been updated and i'm very happy to see the next chapter of this story..
well i hope you update soon and ein and fia's wedding is on the next chapter i can't wait!
| AlcheLuna chapter 1 . 3/6/2009
i have'nt read this story since it's last version!
finnally i have reviewed this story!
i have read the prequel and it was awesome!
since i am a einXFia fan i can't believe that there is a story as good as the prequel!
anyways i hope that i read more of this wonderfull story!
i hope that you update soon!