|Reviews for Why am I a Pokemon?|
| MewMewLover chapter 5 . 7/31/2009
im 10, so i have a Q. could u make it a litlle less um maature like without those boobs comments l8er on
| Rampardos chapter 4 . 6/2/2009
This is good, though it seems a little odd that a baby is swearing every two seconds. Anyway, good job, and can't wait for the next one.
| Atrabelos chapter 2 . 3/28/2009
It's high time you got a review, no?
First off, I'll say this: the story isn't great, but then again it's not bad either. I say this because there's not a lot of description going around. Much of the story is simply dialogue between various characters, and that hurts it a lot - more than you may think. Yes, the idea behind the story is quite interesting, but you really need to flesh out the world a little.
For example, when Leon was put into the Pokéball, you say a sentence or two and then leave it at that. You say it's ten minutes, but is it really? Due to the small amount of detail put into it, that portion of the story reads more in seconds. What I'm trying to say is that you should detail your story in accordance to how much time has passed, and then improve from there.
Second, the bold Pokéspeech is rather grating and unpleasant to look at. The thing is now that Leon is a Pokémon, it'd make more sense for people to have the bold instead of Pokémon (and even then it wouldn't be good to look at). The sudden transitions from bold to normal font are giving me a headache, really. Either try to find a format that's easier on the eyes or simply remove it entirely: I can say for certain that you're doing at least some of your readers no favors with this.
Second, the story: I honestly don't know how you're going to do this, but I'm interested to see how you will. A Finneon, of all things, in a Reborn fic is a very, very odd choice indeed. You're going to need to stray from the usual formula a lot in order to make this work, but that's a good thing, mark my words. I look forward to seeing how you'll improve and refine this idea.
Next, I'd advise you put in author's notes. The main reason for saying this is that you'll be able to connect with your readers on a more personal level, and clearing up a few clarity questions that may be asked preemptively is never a bad thing. It's also going to boost reader turnout if you give a little preview or perhaps a little thing on what to expect next so people will be more interested on what's going to happen next.
Back to the description: what does the pond look like, exactly? Is it polluted and green, perhaps purple? Is it pristine and clear, without any murk except for tiny algae clouds? Or is it a swampy, marshy area with lots of grass? There's plenty of important details you're missing out on, and you'd be doing yourself and the readers a great favor by slowing down a little and imagining the landscape, then detailing it based on the picture in your mind. Also, did Relic and Leon have to swim past any reeds on the way, did they float past other fish Pokémon, is the pool made out of salt water or fresh water, and did anyone get tangled in weeds? It's a whole world of possible descriptions out there, and it's a disservice to all of us to not be able to listen to it. Sure, what you have is good, but you need more.
The character's personalities are not that well-developed as of now. What amazes me, personally, is that Leon was a gang member yet doesn't really talk any differently than a normal trainer would and seems almost timid speaking around others. As different as the Pokémon world is than this one, it's a far cry to say that it's changed so much that gangs aren't really gangs anymore. Although I do appreciate the realism you're adding - don't get me wrong there - it seems kind of odd that Leon isn't like a gang member at all. Though he IS a FORMER gang member, so I suppose that would explain things a bit... But I digress.
Second, try to end your chapters in a way that will make people want to come back for more. As of now, let me sample one of the endings of a chapter:
"I had an idea. I would blow the bubbles and slap them with my fins."
See, there's a problem. You're not ending it with a feeling, and that line is rather indecipherable in meaning anyways. You make it seem as if there's a reason he's doing that, when (if I'm right) he's just doing that for fun. I'm not saying it's terrible, but you really need to think of a good way to end each chapter, to give it a bit of clearance. I can't really say much here as I'm not knowledgeable in this area, but try looking around. It'll do this story good.
Lastly, your transitions are lacking. In Chapter 1 Leon goes from talking to Rayquaza to being in an egg in about one sentence, and to be fairly honest it ruins immersion. Surely there's something you can put between those two places to lessen the sharp transition: Leon's thoughts, maybe? His feelings about being abandoned by Rayquaza? Possibly a flashback or happening going on at some other place?
I fear I've gone on too long, so I'll leave it at that. Rest assured I'll be watching your progress and hoping with all my heart you'll improve on what you have. To be honest, I believe you can improve very much.
| srgeman chapter 2 . 3/6/2009
He's taking this very well I see. Can't wait to read more.
| Fayth in the Music chapter 2 . 3/5/2009
He's certainly taking the reborn thing well. I like Relic. He's intresting. My only sudgestion, make the chapters longer.
| Emolsifier chapter 1 . 3/3/2009
woah! this is a terrific idea! kudos to Sgreman.
This reminds of the movie ghost. the descriptions weren't Lord of the rings long but they did their job and hey I could picture Rowans lab pretty well.
I'm actually intrigued by what will happen. please continue this, the idea is simply scrumptious.
| War the Fell Avatar chapter 1 . 3/2/2009
I thought the description was OK. I love the Finneon idea, that one should be interesting.
I'll be watching this.
| srgeman chapter 1 . 3/2/2009
Yay, Finneon! That's never been done before. I look foreward to more.
| Fayth in the Music chapter 1 . 3/1/2009
Reborn stories sure are becoming popular! Not that I'm complaining. I love the idea!