|Reviews for Traitor|
| K.F. Draven chapter 1 . 6/23/2009
Very nice. I like the idea of the separated lovers, and the change that enveloped Ruisu. I enjoyed your ideas about the different factions within the characters.
"In one hand the Human held the rains to a horse that stood by his side..." "Rains" should be "reins"
Be sure to place your commas in appropriate places, also. "Common sense never left you after all Ruisu..." Add comma before "all"
" “Why have you asked me here,” I asked looking at him with a burning curiosity. " After the quotation should be a question mark, not a comma. When you use a comma in that way, it means that you are going to add a intercepting praise such as: "Why have you asked me here," I asked, looking at him with a burning curiosity, "in this forest?" You can see how I finished it off properly using your comma in the previous quotation as well as adding the end of the dialogue which fits. But, I also do see that you know this from your proper usage in the next lines.
"eyes that stroke fear into my heart..." Stroke should be struck?
"daggers that pierce..." Pierce should be pierced
"The frown he once wore no longer showed sadness but anger now..." That sentence is a bit sketchy. If I were you, I'd right it like: "The frown he once wore no longer showed sadness, but rather, anger..." You didn't need to add that extra "now" in there. It is already elaborated in the "no longer"
"A sharp pain shot through her stomach. It took her a second before she looked down. A long silver blade stuck out from her chest. Tears ran down my face not so much from the pain of the wound but of the knowledge of the person who held it. My eyes ran up to meet Ruisu’s emotionless face..." That whole paragraph switches between Point of Views. Your story is set in First Person Point of View, but you then switch to Third Person Point of View. This is a common mistake (I've had that problem numerous times as well as tenses) especially to someone who is used to writing in Third Person. Just be aware of the possiblity that it could easily change from First Person to Third Person with a matter of a word.
" Darkness consumed me now.
One would think…
You are alone now…
Let the darkness consume you…
May you feel no more pain…
“Come quickly, she needs some help,” A voice came from the darkness.
“She has been hear for too long,” Said another. “She is gone”
“No, we need to try.” Said the first. “Come, put her on the bed.”
Darkness enveloped me again... "
I personally think that these few lines are a bit half-done. It sounds as if you were almost anxious to get the end of that chapter done. You didn't elaborate the details of her fading from reality very well. You could have done well by explaining her thoughts at that time, and what she believed she had heard and thought in the passage. My point is, I think in these lines that you should make a balance between the time between when Ruisu stabbed your character, and the time that the unknown people found her. Because, right now, I see it all as smushed together and difficult to smoothly read.
I liked the story, and look forward to reading some more. What will become of your main character? What is the fate of Ruisu?
Keep it up, and most importantly, PRACTICE. Write ALL the time. Don't stop.