|Reviews for The Best Revenge|
| ams71080 chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
Wow! What an emotional ending.
| supergirl3684 chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
that was brilliant!
| blue artemis chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
I really dislike Albus. I guess I tend to gravitate towards fic that feels the same way. He is not a nice man. But I love the days Harry has had with Severus.
| somethingjustlikethat chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
Great job! Its rather touching...
| Oregonbird chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
I know you'll remove this from the board - I expect you to! But I also hope you'll find my critique useful; I assure you, it is offered in an entirely positive spirit. You have a great story going, and writing in chapters is always difficult - sometimes it clicks, and sometimes... you wander off track.
Oh, no. Not "potioneer" !
More shopping? Well, you're a female writer, that's for sure! Is there no other way to work in information and interaction than yet more shopping? A few sentences if you must, and skip to the action. The Who & Pink Floyd? Surely Snape was effectively out of the muggle world at 11; besides, while I know what you're trying to convey - it doesn't work, especially with the other interests Snape encourages. The Goon Show, possibly! The British Museum and ToL are more natural. But this section feels shoehorned in, with the apparation excuse very thin to the reader, let alone to the characters.
And can we talk about Harry's erudite dissection of Macbeth? When does he get his degree? From seemingly-six to thirty, in paragraphs. Again, the prophesy discussion is shoehorned in to suit the author's needs; it throws out the reader and destroys the story's flow.
Harry is being shepherded around the underground because he hasn't seem much of his own world - then he himself suggests he can test out of Muggle Studies and pick up an extra owl. That is a lot of planning for the future by a child who just days before was babbling about toys. Dissonance.
While I like the information about Snape's reaction to Harry's reaction, to him - it's all tell and no show. The Lily information has already been planted - in less detail, but as much more part of the story, and far more delicately - in previous chapters. Certainly it isn't anything but dull canon that Lily was more attractive than Petunia, and there isn't nearly enough relevent, evocative or inflammatory information about the father (David? Really?); we could guess that Lily was a daddy's girl, and that she would turn on him after exposure to a more powerful world - ho, hum. This is daytime-tv drama.
The time line is very fuzzy, it's impossible to match visits to thoughts, to memories or to actions - how many days go by in this chapter, and what is Snape doing when not taking Harry around?
That after several build-ups, all you provide is a telling - rather than a well-plotted, descriptive flashback - of a red-neck wedding - I'm beyond disappointed. I'm absolutely certain you can find a much better version, a more evocative, heart-breaking, suble version - than this mess. And the very idea that it was a bigoted wedding with jellyleg jinx's flying at the muggles that made the Potters go into hiding - that's pathetic! Ick!
Once again, you've made the interaction between Snape and Minerva the best thing in your story. Direct, honest and descriptive. It stands out like a pearl in an oyster.
Then we're back to the toys and old clothes. A subject that should have been finished with - you're past the 10th chapter, already! Same thing about the bathroom ventilation - Snape dealt with it as an expert - don't revisit for pointless and undermining details. Minerva is there, teaching quill use - and in the next sentence, Snape has to GO SHOPPING again, because he can't transfigure a bolt. A single bolt. And a Transfiguration Mistress is sitting at the desk wittering on about nibs. See the problem?
Godric's Hollow. Either it belongs to Albus or not; if it's his, why does he need anything from the Ministry? Don't involve the ministry - that brings attetion to the situation immediately, don't you think? It's a red flag for Fudge, logicaly. And reads like another shopping trip. And having Albus play with his pudding rather than use verbal razzle-dazzle - now HE'S six years old! I have the impression this is very underwritten.
Interesting comment about the use of magic in a mixed environment. But again - it doesn't match the facts as you've already presented them. "behavior that would be a criminal offense elsewhere." The wizarding world is very, very small. So where IS "elsewhere."? Not in canon, and you haven't provided any elsewhere but muggle England. So the argument is entirely circular. Much of what you've done in this chapter simply doesn't work. The information is very jumbled, or contradictory; internal organization lacking.
Then, you have the scene at the statue. Brilliant~! You do this sort of thing SO well! When your characters interact, they come alive, they show us how they feel and inform us - this is your strength, and it is buried under an avalanche of backtracking and shopaholic detail that leads nowhere, in this chapter. You must avoid, like the very devil, any long paragraphs of explanation without conversation. There is NO ADVANCE in plot. None.
Dumbledore. Not touched or disturbed about the Potters at all, was he? It was, once again, all about him. Nice touch, and I wish that Minerva and Severus had noticed it. Definitely a scene worth some expansion - this is where the plot as it involves AD could truly advance, using your best talents.
The graves could belong to school friends of either AD or Severus, the way you've written it. As could the sentiment about white marble. But *how* "he" feels about marble now - he used to feel differently? Snape doesn't know if Lily's family name would have been noted if she were pure-blood... that doesn't seem likely. Snape first thinks Dumbledore is responsible for the rubbishy inscription (his reasoning on the meaning of the inscription seems vague, but also important - I'd love to see this made more clear) - then shifts the blame to the dead Potter! And flatly or not, he overspeaks about the flowers. For that matter, it's OOC for Minerva to make such a trite gesture at such a moment - a poor end to the scene.
The statue is pristine - yet the placard at the house has been defaced by a Deatheater? With Everlasting Ink? How... evil.
I know you can do better than this - your last chapter was a marvel. My recommendation is that you save what you can, cut the exposition and shopping, redo the exit to the graveyard scene - you usually do exits really well, you know - and finish with finding something imperative to the plot at the house, despite the efforts of Dumbledore to prevent and obfuscate the importance of the mcguffin. And while you're doing that, work in some plot!
You are a good writer. This reads like a first draft, and I'm pretty sure you know that. If you leave this as is, it will throw off the story line, and the flaws of internal logic will continue to resonate, both for you as you write and for your readers. For that matter, future readers will be happily clicking from chapter to chapter, hit this one and walk out on the story! You don't want that, and I think they will be missing a very unique Potterverse.
That said, this is my last bit of annoyance. You do adults well. I think that it might be an idea to focus your story more strongly on the relationship between Minerva and Severus, with Albus playing the divisive third party, and Harry, as he has been, in the background as a reason and a just cause, a catalyst. That would mean more scenes between your two heros, outside the school and away from Privet Drive - give us your version of the wizarding world! These years before school are key; I see signs that Snape and Minerva could clear the way to a normal life for Harry, to the dismay of AD, by the time he is 11. They are that smart, and that dedicated, and Albus is that bastardly that they would make the attempt!
It's all there, in your writing. Please repost this chapter next week.
| excessivelyperky chapter 8 . 5/17/2009
"I hardly think going from excessive severity to excessive indulgence would be very much in the child's best interests."
Do tell, Headmaster, do tell.
Excellent chapter. If Snape doesn't like the compromise, or it doesn't work out, he can still leave the country and Harry with him-and Minerva will help.
| andyandnormski chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
Oh, I really like this story. You're doing great. Keep going!
| Gladoo89 chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
Thanks for sharing with us this nice chapter :) The story is progressing, I can't wait to see your Harry at Hogwarts!
| Fibinaci chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
Since Peter is alive and still secret keeper how can Dumbles take them to the cottage? That was never really explained in canon, how Harry and Hermione found it. If Dumbles knows the secret then he knows Peter was the secret keeper not Sirius.
I loved the moment where Snape saw James' son had the same bad tightywhiteys he had been teased for having. It stuff like that that keeps this real for me. Youve done a good job of keeping Snapes opinions his own and not those of the author.
| B00kw0rm92 chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
Wonderful chapter! How sweet that Severus is spending so much time with Harry! The last part was so sad though. I can't wait for the next chapter!
| Akatsuki Blossom chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
I have read the whole story, and I must say, I'm impressed. There are not many Snape helps Harry fics of this level...I hope that you update as soon as you can.
| Stunna21 chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
good chapter so update soon and keep writing its great.
| Allen Pitt chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
Now I am curious as to what artifacts / heirlooms might be there. Dumbledore has the Cloak of course...
I take it Snape will be introducing Harry to some wizard children. Probably won't pick the Weasleys, heh. Hopefully not Draco? That'd be dangerous considering the parents are death eaters... Neville?
| attyfan chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
Glad that Harry is adjusting well - and that Snape is finding things to enjoy in his muggle heritage. Visiting Godric's Hollow strikes me as hard on everyone - for many reasons. I hope they find something that makes the visit worth the trouble, but I can't imagine what that something might be.
| expiry 4.23 chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
This was such a beautiful chapter. I love the way you've written Snape's changing opinion of Harry but still-festering hatred for James. He's softening towards Harry but not losing his snark. You have a good grip on his character.
I also like Dumbledore a bit more in this chapter (which is not to say I disliked him before, but I've already mentioned my feelings about him). I feel for him a bit more, if that makes sense.