|Reviews for The Phoenix's Ashes|
| neonorne chapter 1 . 12/22/2010
You write well, the language flows very naturally and you can make characters interesting. But the chapter was a bit slow. I think you added a bit too much about exploding snap and wizard's chess and the lady with the sweet trolley etc. - these things are not too interesting in themselves. All readers of HP fanfic know about them and don't need a description of them. Unless they are used to further some plot point they're not really necessary.
The beginning was good: the last train trip - but then it became just another Hogwarts train journy with all the standard ingredients. And - will the fact that Sirius broke up with Roalind feature in the plot later? If not, I wouldn't have included it - it feels a bit random here. I don't know the character Rosalind at all, so not interested in hearing that Sirius *used* to go out with her.
Also: The Order is supposed to be secret. So it feels strange that they start telling each other 'I'm going to join the Order of the Phoenix' when asked what they are going to do now that school is over. They shouldn't have talked about it at all unless they were certain everyone else in the compartment were members, too. Which they all very conveniently turn out to be...
I think it would have worked better if you had instead let them start talking about the fact that they were all members, making it clear this was known to everyone present, and *then* have them wondering what it would be like.
| Kamai6 chapter 1 . 9/3/2010
| C.Queen chapter 1 . 8/30/2009
Well that was an itneresting first chapter, though I think you might want to see about adding some sort of hook, there wasn't really anything that made this seem like it will be different from any other retelling of the fate of the Marauders.
That aside, you had good characterization and you did whet my interest in Violet, Roselind and Alice/Frank
Oh, and I think you have this under the wrong James for characters. Or is James Sirius, Harry's son going to be in it?