|Reviews for Survivor: Vampire Island|
| MyHeartIsObsidian chapter 1 . 7/17/2009
Hello again darling!
I havent been able to get enough time to read this fiction earlier... as I been busy reading other books
However, here I am, ready to read this promising story :D
| geophf chapter 9 . 7/6/2009
"The silly game of Survivor was beginning to wear thin with him [alucarD], and he looks forward to the next adventure."
Here, in chapter nine, you finally start the story. I'm glad to see the intra and inter Cullen bickering that has so permeated this story now has a reason to stop. I'm glad that the Cullens can now work WITH the Hellsing organization instead of fight against it. [cut]
Minor things first.
1. You gave Jasper a voice.
So few fan fiction stories do this. They either dwell a sentence on his history, and then ignore him, or they dwell on his ineffectual ability (or his deus ex machina, depending on the "story"), and then ignore him.
You actually use his history to help develop his character at the end of this chapter.
You had better not ignore him in the following chapters.
But you do, at least twice in this chapter, resort to the clichéd "Jasper tried to calm x but it didn't work." Don't. Don't do this unless it either develops the story or the character. Your (at least) two slips did neither.
2. You get rid of Jeff. Buh-bye.
3. You imbued the game of musical chairs with foreboding and menace and vampires. And made it fair enough for humans to have a fighting chance.
But what was unfortunate about this very clever episode? The [cut] contrivances [of Alice's limited vision and the Hellsing bickering to eliminate alucarD] stood out, not, as you wished, the absurdity of a very adult and menacing child's game with trippy woodland tunes.
4. But I'm enjoying the continued and natural friendship between Alice and Seras, particularly because the contempt of the other participants makes it all the more endearing.
5. I liked that Edward tried to impress Sir Integra, and she called him right out on his triviality, doubly embarrassing him. ["Why am I hitting on a woman not my wife, why am I concentrating on movie trivia when she's saving the world?"]
6. But any story that has "Princess Bride" also gets bonus points from me, as it's one of my top-10 movies of all time. Also saying "PWND" [cut]
7. Ocelots. Do you know what separates a good story from a great one? No? Well, I'll tell you: ocelots. Our cat, named Mr. Darcy (full name: "Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy"), is actually an ocelot. Or a mini cross between a sabre-tooth tyger and a panther. Rowr! Rosalie's fav is panthers, did you know that? [cut]
8. And your Alice-Rose interplay is warm, sweet, and sassy. Perfect ("Want to pat Rousy?" "Keep walking, sister.")
9. Grammar/spelling/word choice problems are very few, but present. [cut]
10. I like how you factor canon into the littlest things. Unstet vampires have mass, and marble-like skin. When Rosalie is thrown to the ground by the all-powerful alucarD, the world quakes in response.
11. And Rosalie sticking a triumphant tongue out at alucarD? Nice.
12. On your use of endnotes. I understand your intent, but the result is distracting. Instead of injecting the notation in the text, simply have the endnotes quote the appropriate text at the end [cut]
13. I liked your blow-by-blow summary of the characters' thoughts after the end of the musical chairs game. This is where your command of the third person POV shines. Don't do this more than necessary, but also don't descend to talking from a first person perspective when you are telling the story in the third person. Or, at least, I'd recommend against it. I know you're going for flip when you address the audience with the character or the narrator in the first person, but it confuses the reading of the paragraph at times. Go ahead, be flip, but be judicious with it.
14. Waitaminit! You mean there's a fan-fiction writer who knows how to use the semi-colon? Inconceivable! [Eat that, Princess Bride quoter] But [cut] some of your sentences may be packed too deeply with memes and should be separated. Take this advice from a writer who writes too many dense sentences. In this complicated story, the readers need more, not less, simpler sentences [cut]
15. "surely be misty eyes if his rigamortized body" No. Unstet are not in rigor mortis. And no. Edward has not cried in 80 years. It's OOC for him or Esme (go ahead, say it: "But, geophf, in Breaking Dawn, Book I, [blah-blah-blah]") or any of the Cullens besides Bella to even consider crying. You don't do something for 80 years. Do you reach for that reaction any longer? No. A Cullen will descend to stillness, because most human physical reactions are simply no longer an option.
Vampires do not cry. They do not miss crying. If they fake crying, then they INTENTIONALLY fake it for an audience, not for themselves. Edward receives no emotional release by engaging in duplicity.
Unstet are not stiff human flesh. They are prime material activated by an enormous amount of energy: energy created by converting the mass and vitalis in the the blood to pure energy. Unstet are mini walking black holes/fusion bombs. There is nothing rigorous about them, and that is why they are so massive and so strong and so "don't-eff-with-them-because-you-lose"-able. So, titanium bonds? Holding Unstet?
Now, adamantium may be a different story.
16. 'high-pitched whimper. “It’s me, the Jeffster…”' You had to steal (one of) my nickname(s), didn'tcha? What shall I steal back? [cut]
Now for the major problems. And these will surprise you, and I am sorry to have to say this.
1. Your characterisation of alucarD is one-dimension, and he plays no role in this story. This is the third time I've read something like this passage: "[whomever] doesn’t get irate and domineering (or hurt or sad) like this very often, but Alucard rather wishes s/he would."
alucarD seems to take pleasure in observing this or observing that, but for the last nine chapters he has done all of two things: cast doubt on Carlisle humanistic defense and to assault Rosalie (I didn't say 'batter'). Okay. I get it, alucarD delights in others' pain and despair.
But the material point is: so what? How does this make the other characters grow? How does this advance the story?
Most importantly, how does alucarD, as a character, grow, develop, realise, rage, despair, interact or anything?
My answer, from reading your story: he doesn't. He simply sits back and observes his master or his slaves or his companions or his enemies twist, delighting in their twisting. What does he gain from their pain? What do they gain?
For what has he used his powers?
What is he hinted at using his powers for in future chapters?
The ending of this chapter empathetically states: nothing. "Don't send out alucarD to eliminate the enemy, because then the story would be over, so make sure his hands are tied."
Your alucarD, for the last nine chapters, and for some chapters to come, is a nothing, one-dimensional character, neither growing nor providing growth to your story. And when you pull out the stops on him, he's going to wave his magic wand and solve all the problems, like the good little deus ex machina he is, as the Hellsing fans all crow in their reviews: "Oh, alucarD is all-powerful! Oh, alucarD could take all the contestants with one look of his eyes! Oh, alucarD would resolve every issue raised!"
Or if he can't, it's because he's artificially and arbitrarily hobbled.
Good luck on this one, as I don't had advice on how to fix the problem of this overpowered but ultimately suspension-of-disbelief breaking (read: useless) character.
I am sorry: alucarD is entirely superfluous, nay, distracting, to your story.
2. Your coming out of Jasper is welcome, in and of itself, but Jasper, in his unmasking is a disappointment. [cut]
You took a risk in this chapter. You finally got something going in this story from its silly, fluffy premise, and I applaud you for that. But one risk you need to take is for you to get over your fear of the Hellsing crowd and re-masculate alucarD, regardless of the invective you get from them, because your alucarD is not only dead, he's dead weight to your story since page one. That's the first thing. The second thing is that you need to become, to become truly, the character in the spotlight. Who is Jasper? What is Jasper? Why is Jasper? You must answer those questions down to the spurs on his boots, his cheer in front of his men, and his absolutely winning record on ever single one of every battlefield he's ridden or run across, killing, killing, guiding his army, killing, and winning.
You could've kept this fluffic light. You chose to lift it to a serious enterprise. I applaud your choice. I praise your choice. But, in so choosing, you must gird yourself with the seriousness that turn demands, now, of you. And that seriousness is what?
Your characters. You must become 187 years old for Jasper. You must be a powerful, vengeful, unstoppable force for alucarD. You cannot play an easy-going game of musical chairs when you are threatened to have your sister, your mother, your wife, your father, and your husband burnt to ash right in front of your eyes. You cannot.
So, don't, LiLa. Don't.
Use that magic that you have in you and write a story that makes the Hellsing crowd and the Twilight crowd PROUD and HONORED to have read this piece, because, you, LiLa, have written it, and nobody else in the world could come close to what you did to edify both canons in this now serious crossover piece.
You have taken this serious step forward into the abyss. You cannot back down, now, into frivolity, triviality or slighted research and dedication.
"When the enemy attacks, charge."
Or, as Jasper shouted over the sound of muskets and the rallying bugle cry: "Charge!"
| marora chapter 9 . 7/4/2009
This is awesome so far! I really loved that you put in a princess bride quote. This officially makes you cool. Please update soon! I'm really enjoying this, it's hilarious!
| Haissan chapter 9 . 7/3/2009
What A Twist...I suppose I have bee in long waiting for this story! Finally its out! Yay!
| Tsuki no Rekuen chapter 9 . 7/3/2009
(as I write this review I'm reading the story at the same time, just so I can comment on the parts that stand out the most XD )
OMG! Princess Bride reference! I love that movie. XD It was the bunny! I know it was, it became a bunnicula didn't it and that was so sweet, rare and caring moment from Alucard in the midst of competition. He was more concerned for Integra Then keeping his spot, aw. XD Walter you sly devil you used your wires! XD I think Jasper's lucky they didn't take his feet off. O-O! oh no he didn't*says it like a black chick head shake and all*, he cut Seras... a tiny bit… what a cut throat... well as long as one kinda goes on… but OMG! I bet the pointers were about 40 to 50 years old XD wow, just wow. Lul to the Cullen's predicament, I knew IT, it was Millennium! No TV production would go that far... wait... so if this is set after the war with Millennium does that mean Alucard also has Schrodinger absorbed and thus able to be everywhere and nowhere? Well you also did mention it was AU which could mean that never happened... if you wanted it to. O_O Edward cursed, he’s growing! Now all he needs to do is stop sparkling and he might join my good list. XD …. Why is it down to the three I would vote out last … Alice, though she’s a myerpire, she has earned a loving place in my cold unforgiving heart. I love seeing Rosalie pissed with Alucard and Walter’s antics. And Walter, well he’s a lovable kickass old man, who still has skills even after who knows how long now. Ug now I feel torn. TTTT why those three, damn you Edward for gaining immunity! DAMN YOU MISTER IMPOSTER FOR MAKING NEW RULES! … wait… Major was an android… no… Dok died… but then technically Walter never betrayed Hellsing, in which in that case Dok must have not been killed, so thus he would be able to repair the Major… *eyes widen at plot development* I’m ganna stop there just incase someone reads my review before they read the story and see my crack pot theory. I wonder if I’m some what close to what’s happening… *gets lost in thought and strokes chin*
xDD wow, omg I did hope to never have that seen in my minds eye. But thankfully that are no sporks to be found in my house. Omg suspense! It kills me! Now I’m off to ponder who to vote off.. I actually might vote of a member of my favorite team. oAo! I love the story still! I’m so glade to see its updated! Keep up that wonderfully good work you do.
| bahleeeted chapter 9 . 7/3/2009
Spoilers for the end of Hellsing sprinkled all throughout:
Intro: Well, this does not bode well. Not one bit. :P Honestly, I would stick with what you originally wrote- that it's AU right after the Valentine Brothers' attack. If that just doesn't work, you're better off going post-anime, since all the main characters are still alive but the world knows about vampires by then. Making it post manga, even AU, is a huge headache for you and the readers both. I'm thinking you haven't actually gotten to the end yet, so let me give a *brief* list of what you have to explain/make AU and thus more confusing for everyone:
-Why Walter is still good and alive
-Why Alucard is back while Integra is still young (unless you're planning to go back and make her 52 for the whole survivor game, in which case I'm beyond confused about Walter)
-Why no one seems to care have changed personality even after living through WWI
-Why Seras isn't channeling Captain Bernadotte and acting more like she did towards the end of the manga
-Why Integra still has both eyes
-Why Alucard still has all his familiars
-Why Seras still has two normal-looking arms (unless she doesn't, but that wasn't mentioned except maybe for Chapter...2? and it wasn't totally clear what was going on,I think).
-Why my brain still hasn't exploded from trying to work this all out for you. XD
Yeah, I'd go with post-anime (after Integra is released from prison), hon... they'd still need the money for rebuilding, people would still know about them, but all of your characters stay alive and half the world wasn't blown up and/or eaten alive. Just my two cents, though, and I'm only tossing it in there, because I have a feeling you have no idea what you're getting yourself into by saying it's post-manga, lol.
I could totally see Seras and Alice competing to see who can find the cutest woodland animal. :D That made me squee and then giggle and finally just smile happily. XD Too cute. Yay for ROUS's! :D And I recognised my snippet of dialogue immediately, woohoo!
I don't know my Twilight history very well (Thank GOD for that), but wasn't Alice turned in the 1920's? I could just be pulling that out of my arse, but I could swear she was for some reason. Anyways, if she *was*, I highly doubt she would have played musical chairs before then. Actually, when was musical chairs created as a game? Hmm.
"Even Alucard - Mr. I can take all you punks at once with my eyes closed, hands tied behind my back, and my dick in your mother’s mouth"
*snorts milk out of nose* Hahaha! XD That's a good line. I lol'ed.
Sorry, but Walter wouldn't do the chair thing to Integra. Not in any canon. He adores her, considers her something of a daughter, and was so quiet about his turning on her in the manga that it shocked everyone. It's never about taking her down personally. He could conceivably have shoved anyone else out of the way (except Seras), but that's really not *him*. He IS incredibly fast, though, so him stealing the seat and having Integra sit on his lap and then being surprised he's already there is a possibility. She could possibly get so unnerved that she jumped up and tripped on her own feet and fell over if you still want Alucard rushing to her side. Honestly, I don't think he would have even been behind Integra. He would have been between two Twilighters for maximum Hellsing winnage probability. Sorry, but him pushing Integra (or anyone) out of the way is really, REALLY out of character for him to the point where I almost stopped reading the chapter.
Side gripe that it's probably too late to fix now, but I should mention Walter's never been motivated by money, ever. He always seems to be relatively well off in both canons, and he wants fame/attention more than money. The only reason he became a traitor (if he wasn't brainwashed somehow, which I'm more inclined to believe) was because he wanted to defeat Alucard in a battle and gain Integra and Seras's respect and admiration. So if he wants to win Survivor, he wants to do it because he'll be Seras and Integra's hero, not because he'll keep all the money to himself. He would NOT play dirty against his other characters to get the money, but he might VERY SNEAKILY go behind their back and set them up to get voted off first so it's up to him to save the day. He would give every bit of the money to Integra, since it's the praise he wants, not the cash.
No major complaints about Alucard so far...
Yay for Seras and Alice sorting out what's fair and who should sit! :D And also yay for Integra ordering Seras to sit, hehe. _ That was cute.
No, no, no. Walter has only EVER hurt Seras under SERIOUS mind control, and even then he was fighting against it the whole time (he was supposed to decapitate her but only ended up cutting her cheek and pressing the wires against her neck for ages. Even in the manga, when he's presumeably a traitor fully aware of what he's doing and Seras knows it, they share a touching moment where they tell each other to go in good health and Seras thanks him for "everything" and he looks at her sadly as she goes off with Integra. Walter does NOT hurt/push around women unless they're an immediate threat (i.e. hurting Integra). He would be fighting off Twilighters (i.e. Jasper) so that Integra would be pleased with him, not blatantly sabotaging his team. He's way too smart for that, even if he is scheming. asdfjsdlkjdiwkyh
However, I will say that Walter pulling Rosalie onto his lap was good. If he made a pact with Edward to watch out for him in exchange for immunity, he would definitely pull a move like that. But ONLY against another twilighter, or maybe Alucard. But I did grin at that, even though he wouldn't talk like that. I lol'ed at Edward thinking of Walter as Spiderman... "Spiderman, Spiderman, Does whatever an ageing, wire-slinging angel-of-death butler can, pours the tea just in time, look out! Here comes the Spiderman."
And NO YOU GAVE EDWARD IMMUNITY DAMN WE HAVE BEEN FOILED!11! This calls for an emergency meeting of the John and Rachel Anti-Twilight Club to decide who to vote out instead. Alice is awesome and Jasper is less annoying than Rosalie and I think we're both committed to not voting for Hellsing no matter how badly OOC the males are, so... yeah. XD But I'll convene with him before voting.
Videos from home: Wow, this just got a lot more interesting. And yeah, that kind of flowery threat from Edward is pretty in-character.
Argh. I have to say it again, you're way over your head with trying to do this manga/AU thing. Do you have IM? I'd be glad to help you work something out. *bangs head on desk repeatedly* I think at this point your best bet is to introduce Millennium for real and edit this chapter so Integra doesn't talk about killing the Major. Because AU is all well and good to a certain point, but it's generally done by either changing one detail (character A didn't die), or else diverging at a specific point like you had originally (Takes place after Point B, aka the Valentine's Brothers). If your AU is so confusing that your hardcore Hellsing fans can't figure out what's going on or how this is possibly supposed to work, you may have a problem. /
They're going to need Walter on the island, so again I can't vote for him... and now that he knows what's at stake, I know he'll be good and loyal to Integra and Seras if nothing else. At this point it's not about fame or fortune anymore- and he has a better shot of appearing to be their hero if he's protecting them. Walter would fight to the death to protect Seras and Integra. Now that he knows what would happen to them if they lost, he's going to fight long and hard to keep them from losing. But please, please, please at least read my Scribblings if NOTHING else before writing him anymore. *weeps for Walter's characterisation*
And Alice is funny and cute and keeps Jasper going. So, Rosalie it is. Besides, she needs to be with Emmett.
PS I read this with my camping spork sitting right next to me. :D My eyes are unscathed, somehow, though I can't speak for Tzuki no Rekuen.
| Metropolis Kid chapter 9 . 7/3/2009
Alice and Seras's 'who can catch the cutest animal' contest was... well very cute itself. :) (And the best part is that I can actually picture Seras doing that!- I wouldn't know about Alice.) Capybara must be like the biggest freaken rodent in the world though- I mean a hundred pounds? Yes, that defiantly qualifies as an R.O.U.S (I doubt those giant rats were more than fifty :P). Lol And yay for Integra making Edward feel inadequate. :D
The ghoul leg was hilarious, mostly due to the way Seras was flinging it around like that. I'm sure the prissy Twilighters were turning green. :) It was also nice to see Seras angry and challenging towards Alucard. It's not something we get to see very often, because it's not really in her character- not towards him at least. But if there's one thing that could provoke her like that, it would be imagining her master sucking down cute animals just to spite her. And of course Alucard loved every minute of his fledgling's rant. :) I do think that the word “obey”- in his thoughts -was just a tad off though. She's still his fledgling after all, and I think something more along the lines of “grant her request” or “humor her” would fit better. Of course his deliberately misinterpreting her statement was very OC. ;)
Musical chair challenge? Either you put A LOT of creative thought into picking out a challenge that would NEVER be expected... or you just took the easy way out and jotted down the first thing that popped into your head. O_o Oh well. Either way, it was still an amusing challenge. :) (And the slight AxI moment- with Alucard helping his master up and wrapping an arm around her -was a nice touch.) I was so hoping that Jeff's music was going to be a recording of Flight of the Valkyries though. :( And then you let the... the THING win immunity! ER! [ I knew you were going to do that! *Takes a deep, calming breath* Okay, okay... whatever. He CAN'T possibly win them all (not with Alucard, Seras and Integra in the game)... We'll get him out of this (otherwise fantastic) fic eventually.
“Bella, love, my unbeating heart beats only for you.” I want you to know just how much (physical) pain this line caused me- three (HARD) face-palms before I could stop myself. (One of these days, I've gotta break the habit of smacking myself during 'face-palm' moments, and treat them more figuratively.) Great now I'm slightly dizzy... and in need of aspirin. Thanks a lot. Please... don't do that again, PLEASE? (BTW: was THAT the 'easter egg' line, I was challenged to find?)
Well you've fulfilled your promise of raising the stakes... well to a point. I mean I don't really care if the Twlighters perish... But island life might get a little boring for Alucard and Seras... after a couple of centuries anyway. So know I'm wondering. Did you plan this from the beginning? Or did you get the idea after our little talk about that Greek vampire tale?
Oh and as far as using the Major as the villain, that works fine. He's a (SPOILERS) robot/cybrg anyway. So after Integra 'killed' him, someone could've just recovered his programing and downloaded it into a new body. (SPOILERS).
Anyway, good chapter- nice twist (even if I do find it a little hard to swallow the idea that the Major's got a way of holding Alucard prisoner. What's he going to do- drop the No-Life King off in a filled grain elevator or something?). And I'm looking forward to the future installment. (Now if we can just get rid of the little prick.)
Have a good day, and God bless.
| Master of the Boot chapter 9 . 7/3/2009
In terms of quality as well as lengh, this chapter is thus far the best one you've written. The previous ones were good, but this thing is a whole new breed of good. You've broken your old boundaries and you've gone all out. I'm proud of you, foxy mamma.
I'd forgotten about Alice and the big friggin rodent. Rousy was so cute in this thing. The mental image of little Alice carrying a huge rodent like that is hilarious.
Musical chairs was also great. I'm ever so happy that Edward won that match. Beat that old bastard, Walter. He elbowed Integra in the face, he must burn. He must also burn for his betrayal in the manga. Nifty use of Edward's mind reading talent.
When I first read this part about the TV, I was like "Alright, it'll be cute to see a bit of Nessie in this." And then . . . woah partner. This little plot twist was the best, in fact, I'd find this exact thing under the definition of plot twist. I can't express to you how much I liked the part where the Major shows his hand.
I have a feeling now that the nature of the games is going to change very much. The games will become deadlier, the stakes ever higher, or so my instincts tell me. I'm liking this turn of developments very much.
One thing that really impressed me was the changes that took place in each person when the TV came on. Integra is wary, Seras misses her weapons, Edward freaks out about Bella's safety and Rose is ready to kill.
My favorite things though were the changes that came over Alucard and Jasper. Jasper stops being the slacker, (which I totally imagine him as) and Alucard takes things seriously. I like how Jasper is like the group leader. I can DEFINITELY SEE THAT! Jasper is the noble leader. Alucard is the wise guy, the thug, the goon, the guy who's not afraid to get his hands dirty.
In combat, I fully expect Alucard and Jasper to take the lead. They're like two sides of the warrior coin, good and evil.
It was hilarious what Alucard did to the camera. FIrst he mauls the thing, then he flings it into the sea and then he threatens the camera man with a piece of sharp glass. I can't possibly ask you for any more.
OH, reminder, you promised me and many of the girls a shirtless Alucard. Sorry, had to bring it up.
Master of the Boot
| marora chapter 8 . 7/2/2009
I refuse to apologise for the fact that I despise Twilight. I hope Alucard eats them all.
Seriously though, this is getting pretty good. I really like the way it's playing out. And you're a talented writer too.
| xanimefanx14x chapter 1 . 6/21/2009
WOW. i love the entire thing so far, but one thing: KEEP WRITING! i've beene waiting FOREVER for the next chapter!
there is a next chapter, right?
anyway, i'm not gonna say a lot, just that i love the suspense and all of the romance situations, so to speak. What's up with Alucard and Rosalie, anyway? does he want her to break, or does he just... want her?
| Xatvellan chapter 8 . 6/19/2009
Alright, I am not going to review/beta this at the moment, because it is 6 AM and I have not slept, but I /am/ going to say that I refuse to let you let Alucard make out with Alice! *pouts*
Now, Edward, on the other hand, is and absolutely wonderful substitute. :3
...I'll finish the review later, sorry for the delay. ;
| fallen monkey chapter 8 . 6/15/2009
Whoa, what a close-to-catharsis moment between the vamps! Intense. We have seen the undercurrent of tension up to this point, but now it's been set to boil. I'm learning enough about Hellsing to understand that Alucard cannot defy his master's demands, yet with the gloves so off right now between him and the Cullens and Rosalie clearly not giving a crap who she offends, I just visualize the twisted threads of a rope snapping one by one over an open flame...the suspense is heightening as to how long the Cullens can remain sympathetic to Integra and Walter, as there is evidently little that the loyal-to-the-chicks Serras can do should Alucard get his way.
I thought the chapter opened just fine. I was intrigued by the fragmented snapshots of each contestant's reactions to the Tribal Council vote, as it made me question first, who got voted off, and second, what the events exactly were that transpired since the ending of Chapter 7. It's an "in media res" device of starting a story (in this case, chapter) in the middle of the action rather than the beginning, as to do it the same every time can become monotonous/formulaic, and THAT'S what can lose a reader's interest. Also, the inclusion of the song lyrics as of Chapter 7 has been a fun new element in the narration. Each song choice provides insight into each character, so I have to disagree with geophf about your Chapter 8 selection-you didn't pick the song because it's a song YOU like, but because it's what EMMETT would like. If the reader doesn't like it, they can take a flying leap because to choose otherwise would run counter to consistent characterization, or to eliminate it altogether would remove a whimsical aspect that I, as a reader, DO find appealing. As this review forum itself exemplifies, we are all entitled to different opinions on what we like or don't like in what we read; there could never be consensus.
Am thoroughly impressed with the backstories you continue to create and elaborate upon (i.e., Carlisle and Alucard's participation in the war and Jasper's "dementor" story). They sound as though derived from nonfictional accounts one could research at length, so to think that it's from your imagination is fantastic. My curiosity as to how Jasper's story continues is certainly whetted.
Oh, and love the Harry Potter references. Just when I thought it couldn't get better, vampires well-read in Rowling are brought into the fold. Awesome.
My vote for snogging couples is cast-hope at least one of them is right!
| phfina chapter 8 . 6/14/2009
My twin brother geophf told me to join ffn so I could read his fan ficts.
My evil twin brother. Yes, we're fraternal twins.
And he told me to read your story. Sheesh! She's ... oops ... "he's" so bossy.
So, this is, leik, a really cool story.
He told me to say it was NIce and MOre.
Don't know what that means.
And he told me to vote for Rosalie x Bella for the kiss, but there's no Rosalie x Bella for the kiss. I told him this, but he said "no, there is." He's so thick-headed sometimes.
So after I showed him the choices, he's all like ...
Well, you know how he gets, right?
So he told me to write this (he's standing right over my keyboard, so I told him to write the d*mn thing himself, but he's like no):
"Rosalie x Bella is a crossover kiss, because Bella parachutes in from a helo drop off and then at the site of each other they disappear into the forest and have a very sweet and intimate crossover kiss."
I asked him what the h*ll is a crossover kiss, and all he said was look at the review number for this story, and I was like "what?" And he was like "Look!" and pointed right on my screen leaving his fingerprints all over my screen.
I really, really, really hate that when he does that.
But then I saw the review number, and I was like: "You have got to be kidding me!"
And he was like all smug and sh ... um: "stuff". And he said, "Crossover kiss, little sis."
He'll never let me forget that I was born AFTER he was.
But now I get what he means by crossover kiss.
I didn't know that Rosalie and Bella were, you know, um.
Well, I guess you have to read those BxRose stories to know what I'm implying here.
So, anyway, to get my bro off my back, would you PUH-lease add Rosalie and Bella in your vote so he can vote for it and quit bugging me to vote for it?
p.s. yeah, cruel joke: parents were all like: well the boy we'll call geophf but the girl ... well, geophfina, right? Makes sense, right?
All I can say is, thank God I was homeschooled.
| geophf chapter 8 . 6/13/2009
LiLa, this starts off as a disappointed review, so I'm afraid to write it. You stumbled with this chapter right from the get go, and then followed that with a tepid songfic interlude that did anything but raise the interest. The only thing that saved this chapter is that it got better and better after the ghost story, so that it, once again, proved to be excellent, compelling writing.
I guess this just goes to show that you can tie both your hands behind your back and still write your way, gracefully, out of the corner you've written yourself into.
Damn, you are good, sista!
The opening was sluggish. I felt like a series of set pieces: Alucard smug in the misery of others, Rosalie miserable, Emmett easy-going. The exposition seemed obligatory, not captivating, and shouldn't the beginning of a chapter captivate the reader?
Then that was followed by a songfic fragment. I didn't like it. Here's what I don't like about songfics: they are an inside joke that the admirers of the music "get" and the "posers" — those musical philistines don't. The people who don't agree with you that such-and-so is the best song since sliced bread are left, standing on the outside, wondering when the songfic will end. "Oh, this is the latest Britney Spears ship, I love Britney, so I'll read this songfic." "Oh, this is the latest Britney Spears ship, I hate Britney, so I'll give this songfic a miss." A songfic automatically reduces your readership to those devotées, and you have — what? — 5 songs fired off in rapid succession.
I found myself becoming less and less interested in finishing this chapter with each footnoted stanza.
But I pressed forward, and then it started to get good. Real good. [yes, I know Strunk is going to kill me for using an adjective in the place of an adverb]
Because this happened to warm me to the chapter:
“C’mon, Jasper, you’ve got a bajillion creepy tales,” Alice coaxes.
Bajillion is how much again?
Quoting a review response on a fanfic I'm not mentioning here about Rosalie and her expelled lover, Bella:
- Quote -
And, what does "a bazillion" mean, anyway? My beta is always saying "a bazillion" this and "a bazillion" that, and, AFAIK, it appears "a bazillion" means "a number greater than one but not more than five." Is that about right?
- End-Quote -
I also appreciate the nod in your footnotes. Thank you. The venom affecting the blood comes up in my story "Rose by a Lemon Tree", chapter "The Soul, the Singer - I: Scents, Venom."
And, wow! you even wrote "Harry 'Potty'" ... that must have been painful ... but you did it ... for me.
LiLa, you are too sweet for words ... you must be some vamp's singer, or something.
LiLa, la tua cantante.
See, you are just like Bella, after all. Aw.
Oh, don't get too close to Rosalie, it looks like she has enough control issues right now, eh?
Then came the fight between Alucard and the Cullens ... after a little sexy Alice lap dance.
What can I say? Awesome? It was. Intense? It was. Galvanizing? It was.
And anything that has child zombies making their charge is a good thing (or any kind of zombies, for that matter), because it gets people thinking about their zombie plans. Do I have a zombie plan?
I have 38 zombie plans!
Which is 1 more than sarge:
But what was the best thing about it?
- Quote -
Rosalie is undaunted. As he walks away, she taunts, “That’s right, wittle Ally-waley, mommy says its bedtime. Better scurry off now.”
Ooh, feisty, Walter thinks appreciatively.
But Integra scolds, “That’s hardly necessary, Miss Hale.”
“Ms.” Rosalie corrects.
“Ms. Hale,” Integra growls.
- End-Quote -
Rosalie triumphant. Every chapter with Rosalie rising from the ashes is a chapter worth reading. Too bad her lover wasn't there for a big ole victorious, but still tender and intimate, smooch.
Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
Yes, you know where my vote is goin', sista!
(MSR, ooh! not mentioning it, MSR-MSR-MSR-MSR ... but not mentioning the chappy where there's a little BxRose ensmoochification going down ... ya know, "This will Hurt: King Midas"? That chapter? Yeah, not mentioning it ... so I'll just mention:) "Rose by a Lemon Tree, chapter: The Soul, the Singer - Lust"
Now, when you say "kiss" on the "lips" the lip-lock you are talking about is the lips where exactly? Because when the "lips" meet and kiss in a very big, wet ...
This is a rated "T" story, right? So the reviews have to be rated "T", too, right?
So, if I may: another excellent chapter from you. I could have skipped the first half of the chapter, but the fact that your incredible writing still, even with the initially slow spin-up, shows through.
| Haissan chapter 8 . 6/13/2009
looks great lion. I must say i might take on a pasive reader role. cool tho, helps get all the hellsing cullen mudslinging out. when does Alucard rape Jasper?