|Reviews for Survivor: Vampire Island|
| geophf chapter 8 . 6/13/2009
LiLa, this starts off as a disappointed review, so I'm afraid to write it. You stumbled with this chapter right from the get go, and then followed that with a tepid songfic interlude that did anything but raise the interest. The only thing that saved this chapter is that it got better and better after the ghost story, so that it, once again, proved to be excellent, compelling writing.
I guess this just goes to show that you can tie both your hands behind your back and still write your way, gracefully, out of the corner you've written yourself into.
Damn, you are good, sista!
The opening was sluggish. I felt like a series of set pieces: Alucard smug in the misery of others, Rosalie miserable, Emmett easy-going. The exposition seemed obligatory, not captivating, and shouldn't the beginning of a chapter captivate the reader?
Then that was followed by a songfic fragment. I didn't like it. Here's what I don't like about songfics: they are an inside joke that the admirers of the music "get" and the "posers" — those musical philistines don't. The people who don't agree with you that such-and-so is the best song since sliced bread are left, standing on the outside, wondering when the songfic will end. "Oh, this is the latest Britney Spears ship, I love Britney, so I'll read this songfic." "Oh, this is the latest Britney Spears ship, I hate Britney, so I'll give this songfic a miss." A songfic automatically reduces your readership to those devotées, and you have — what? — 5 songs fired off in rapid succession.
I found myself becoming less and less interested in finishing this chapter with each footnoted stanza.
But I pressed forward, and then it started to get good. Real good. [yes, I know Strunk is going to kill me for using an adjective in the place of an adverb]
Because this happened to warm me to the chapter:
“C’mon, Jasper, you’ve got a bajillion creepy tales,” Alice coaxes.
Bajillion is how much again?
Quoting a review response on a fanfic I'm not mentioning here about Rosalie and her expelled lover, Bella:
- Quote -
And, what does "a bazillion" mean, anyway? My beta is always saying "a bazillion" this and "a bazillion" that, and, AFAIK, it appears "a bazillion" means "a number greater than one but not more than five." Is that about right?
- End-Quote -
I also appreciate the nod in your footnotes. Thank you. The venom affecting the blood comes up in my story "Rose by a Lemon Tree", chapter "The Soul, the Singer - I: Scents, Venom."
And, wow! you even wrote "Harry 'Potty'" ... that must have been painful ... but you did it ... for me.
LiLa, you are too sweet for words ... you must be some vamp's singer, or something.
LiLa, la tua cantante.
See, you are just like Bella, after all. Aw.
Oh, don't get too close to Rosalie, it looks like she has enough control issues right now, eh?
Then came the fight between Alucard and the Cullens ... after a little sexy Alice lap dance.
What can I say? Awesome? It was. Intense? It was. Galvanizing? It was.
And anything that has child zombies making their charge is a good thing (or any kind of zombies, for that matter), because it gets people thinking about their zombie plans. Do I have a zombie plan?
I have 38 zombie plans!
Which is 1 more than sarge:
But what was the best thing about it?
- Quote -
Rosalie is undaunted. As he walks away, she taunts, “That’s right, wittle Ally-waley, mommy says its bedtime. Better scurry off now.”
Ooh, feisty, Walter thinks appreciatively.
But Integra scolds, “That’s hardly necessary, Miss Hale.”
“Ms.” Rosalie corrects.
“Ms. Hale,” Integra growls.
- End-Quote -
Rosalie triumphant. Every chapter with Rosalie rising from the ashes is a chapter worth reading. Too bad her lover wasn't there for a big ole victorious, but still tender and intimate, smooch.
Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
Yes, you know where my vote is goin', sista!
(MSR, ooh! not mentioning it, MSR-MSR-MSR-MSR ... but not mentioning the chappy where there's a little BxRose ensmoochification going down ... ya know, "This will Hurt: King Midas"? That chapter? Yeah, not mentioning it ... so I'll just mention:) "Rose by a Lemon Tree, chapter: The Soul, the Singer - Lust"
Now, when you say "kiss" on the "lips" the lip-lock you are talking about is the lips where exactly? Because when the "lips" meet and kiss in a very big, wet ...
This is a rated "T" story, right? So the reviews have to be rated "T", too, right?
So, if I may: another excellent chapter from you. I could have skipped the first half of the chapter, but the fact that your incredible writing still, even with the initially slow spin-up, shows through.
| Haissan chapter 8 . 6/13/2009
looks great lion. I must say i might take on a pasive reader role. cool tho, helps get all the hellsing cullen mudslinging out. when does Alucard rape Jasper?
| Tsuki no Rekuen chapter 8 . 6/12/2009
Even though I have a big disappointment for Edward not being voted off, I was so glad Emmitt was.
I think I have the same mind set as Alucard... I was amused by Jasper's story.. I bet it was the old man! *points an accusing finger* But Alu reading HP? Kinda off for him, book probably belonged to Sares. XD I will have to say with the why dear Walter is "drooling" over Rosalie frightens me, more so then the *shivers* developing relationship between Sir Integra and... it. Now I'm an Alucard and Integra girl even more so an Alucard/Girlycard and Young Walter girl. But the 'Kiss' voting TTTT I could only bare to choose one, (The Alu and Alice one, its kinda cute xD ) I'm sorry I couldn't stomach the rest... I mean I could of voted for the Edward and Alucard for a creepy humor if it was only labeled as 'Girly'cardxEdward (see Metroplis Kid's review for reason, I see there’s a lot of views we have in common xD ). But I did like Alucard's point of view in WW1 story XDD ghoul/zombie children ready to eat the Cullin's papa. Alu insisting on a conflict, XD they were lucky Integra ordered him away. As always good chapter, can't wait for another installment to this f-up island. XD
| Master of the Boot chapter 8 . 6/12/2009
I have to say that my interest here remained quite steadfast. I enjoyed your presentation of the vote after the fact. It's was quite interesting.
I liked Alucard's telling of WW1 very much. Only one detail bothered me. Alucard talked about the zombies tearing Carlisle apart. Frankly, if the Germans guns couldn't have harmed Carlisle then I don't think that a bunch of zombies could have even mussed his hair, even if Carlisle took it lying down. Unless of course these were super strong zombies that could bite through solid stone.
Also about the zombies, Alucard mentions looking at them through human eyes. Did the zombies have some kind of disguise? Because you wouldn't need vampire eyes to see a shambling, rotting zombie coming at you moaning.
What really tickled me pink though was how Alucard was horny for Alice and he's trying to use his juju to try and seduce her after the idol scared her. Poor, dear Alice, she's so adorable and my favorite Cullen too. Jasper's story was really frightening, I say that honestly. It was truly humorous how everybody thinks that he's either psychotic or telling Harry Potter.
All in all, I have to say that the character interactions were great. Walter is a slippery one, and Edward and Integra both respect the other's loyalty.
See you next time. I've voted in the poll, I'll you what it is on private message.
Master of teh Boot
| Metropolis Kid chapter 8 . 6/12/2009
What? Why does it have to be a “crossover” kiss? O_o I want Alucard and Integra. *Grumbles for a few minutes.* But I suppose that if I HAVE to chose between THESE pairings... I'll go with Alice and Alucard first and Walter and Rosalie as a backup. Once again, I don't WANT either of these... but they're better than the other choices.
Although if you went for humor instead of Romance, “Girly-Card” just showing up out of nowhere, laying a liplock on Edward and then changing shape right when the sparkly faker was starting to enjoy it (thereby freaking him out- making him scream and wet himself) would be rather amusing (IMO), especially if people started teasing him again like they did after he was sitting on his 'bother's' face.
Well now, unto the review itself...
So Alucard enjoyed all the tension and emotional suffering that came from Emmett getting voted off, huh? Good. :) He had every right to enjoy the sniveling, little fakers' suffering. :) And *I* certainly enjoyed the Johnny Cash moment. Thanks for including it. ;)
Okay, so Edward's not very smart after all, is he? He deliberately voted off their physically strongest member... just because he doesn't think he could take the guy. That little prick! I mean, I'm not sorry to see Emmett go or anything. I voted for him myself. But for Edward to vote the guy off just because he couldn't best him... I think the little sod is loosing sight of the prize here. :P
Okay this line “Then why does Rosalie feel so rotten?” Just doesn't sound right to me. It sounds like either she's started to think in the third person (not a good sign), there's suddenly an obvious narrator (Like in Rocky and Bullwinkle or Winnie the Pooh), or your a teacher asking students to determine why a character is feeling a certain way (like for an Essay or something). I think you should change that to a thought bubble- Italicize it and rewrite it “Then why do *I* feel so rotten?” If you were writing in past tense, I'd suggest just making it go “So why did she feel so rotten?”. Maybe that could still work in present tense too? “So why does she feel so rotten?”? I don't know. I just think it sounds funny the way it is.
Mexican vampire war? Wh-what? Is that something from Twilight, from somewhere else... or did you just make it up? Anyway, I liked the ghost story... But I'm not so happy about the implication that Alucard reads Harry Potter books. O_o I mean, I know you're a fan and all, but really... Can you picture *ALUCARD* lying in his coffin reading a Harry Potter book? I think he'd be much more likely to read something classical- like Shakespeare. Or if he did read something modern, I think it would be something with plenty of gore and warfare to keep him interested- like "The Archer's Tale", for example. Or heck, I could even buy a slow building suspense/mystery story. But Harry Potter? Really? O_o That's ALMOST as bad as Integra giggling. :P
Now, were the circumstance different, I would complain about Alucard's remarks on how much he looked down on Carlisle for still acting human. Alucard, although he may look down on certain humans, doesn't dislike them in general. In fact, he admires the stronger of the species and has even said on occasion that only a man (human) could hope to kill a monster like him. In fact Alucard was borderline in tears when Anderson used the Elena's Nail to turn himself into a “monster of God”. The vampire actually pleaded with the priest not to do it, not to relinquish his humanity.
However, I won't complain about that because Carlisle is already a monster... or at the very least he's no longer human (I have trouble referring to any of the sparkly fakers as actual *monsters* :P). So Alucard could see the Cullen's attempt to ACT human as an unwillingness to accept what he's become. So, it's close enough to the border that... I'll let it slide.
Anyway, I did enjoy Alucard's explanation of what really happened during WW I. See, I knew he wouldn't just haul off and kill a bunch of children without SOME reason. :) And I got a chuckle out of the “And all the kings horses, and all the kings men, wouldn’t have been able to put Saint Carlisle back together again.” line. Haha!
So anyway, it was a good chapter. And I think most of it fit fine. A little bit more humor would've been nice. But like you said before, you've had some serious things in this already. So, it still worked. However, everyone's admiring thoughts about their possible pair ups seemed a little forced. Alucard's was pretty believable (at least from his perspective) but Integra and Edward and Walter's thoughts about Rosalie didn't quite seem as... smooth as I would've liked. Still, it was better than WxS, no question. :P
Well, have a good day, and God bless.
| bahleeeted chapter 8 . 6/12/2009
AH XD Okay, the following kisses are acceptable to me in no particular order:
Alucard/Walter (I really don't like slash usually, but this is okay?)
Any other kisses are just not okay whatsoever. P And why is Walter lusting after Rosalie? O_o She's so not his type. But I suppose you're the writer and can do whatever you want.
ACTUALLY. You know what? If it came down to Alice and Seras, I bet they'd hug and cry and figure out who deserved it more ("But Alice, Sir Integra needs the money to keep people from getting killed by zombies!" "Oh, I guess you're right. Alright, I'll forfeit.") and come to an agreement through talking. :D
I admit, I was kind of bored in this chapter, but that's likely due to having the attention span of a six year old. Off to go vote!
| nocks chapter 7 . 5/31/2009
Yay! Another chapter! Oh, right, forgot to favourite the story last time; doing it now.
The challenges are creative as always, and the reader voting is a great idea. Oh, and right, Alucard cannot get 'Jizz in my Pants' out of his head? Just plain hilarious, D.
Um, I don't have anything else to say. It's a great story, blah blah, said that already... Um?
"(lest she tick off a certain reader of this story O_o)."
Who is that, D?
Anyways, continue as soon as humanely possible (of course, I could start pestering you until you go to 'inhumane', but I'm not that mean... yet), and keep it up!
| Xatvellan chapter 7 . 5/30/2009
Ah, so Integra reveals her lust for cake, I see...xD
“No way, man!”
“You can’t do that!”
“I strenuously object.”
“This is bullshit!”
- One of my favorite parts, to see all their different reactions...Though, "I strenously object" is my favorite of them all. xD
Jasper's got an "interesting sucking approach", huh? Oh-ho, the ways I could interpret that...
Augh, my dear, I'd just eaten when I read this...D:
But hey, at least I can say you've definitely got a good grasp on detail...x-x
"It turns out that cake isn’t the only non-hemoglobin-related substance Alice has ingested in the past twenty-four hours."
Oh, lawdy. xD
Hahahhaa, I like how when Alice pukes, it's all cute and dainty. Reminded me of a cat coughing up a hairball. xD
Ah. I loved the music in everyone's head, so much! I'd always wondered what it would be like if a vampire read the mind of someone who had a song stuck in their head...And your choices of songs were superb, by the way. :D
And wow, Alucard-sama surfs Youtube, too? Who knew? xD
Haha, "almost like a girl." I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't figure out Integra was female until the 6th episode...*ahem*
Welp, my dear, another fantastic chapter. I was thrilled to read it, and now I can't wait to do the vote.
You just keep revealing how talented you are as a writer with every chapter you add - the characters are, once again, very accurately portrayed, especially Walter! For anyone who hasn't reached volume 9 in the manga, you should probably skip this next line, as it's a huge spoiler. -The fact that Walter is willing to betray his team reflects his betrayal of Hellsing very, very well. After all, he's always been in it for himself. :D -
Also, your creative genius never ceases to amaze me - I mean, who would have thought that Emmett was a nudist at heart? Plus, you're a magician with dialogue; your character's speech and interactions with each other make them seem so very alive, and are also hilarious.
Well, that's enough of my babbling for now.
Your grammar status report is on the way shortly, as is my vote. ]
Take care, m'dear, and I can't wait for the next chapter! :D
| Tsuki no Rekuen chapter 7 . 5/29/2009
Sadly my dislike for Edward over powers the thought of a dastardly plot alliance with Walter (thanks for bringing back my disappointment with him on his traitorous behavior -_-*), I would of picked Rosalie, but Alucard screwing with her mentally amuses me beyond happiness. It’s too bad the Twilight girls can never get Seras to vote out her master on the fact she’s still his fledgling and since she never did drink his blood to become a full fledged vampire. and I also doubt Integra willing to vote Alucard out either, I think the Cullen papa (cuz I can never pronounce his name nor spell it right) warned is a good thought, you have to have The Hellsing Director and her vampire together; He has to be kept in check needless does he need to have a free reign like in his old days before Van Helsing... but now my mind wanders back to Emmett... OG MY EYES! *runs for a spork to gouge eyes out* That was the worse thing ever brought to my poor mind image not wanted. Though Alucard having songs in his head about jizzing... WoW... that was expected yet unexpected. Well I can't wait for the results for the next chapter. XD
| Metropolis Kid chapter 7 . 5/29/2009
Alright, a new chapter to Survivor: Vampire Island. :D
First off, let me compliment you on the new challenge. Suddenly, the phrase, “Let them eat cake,” takes on a whole new meaning. Haha! It also seems pretty original to me- I've heard of Survivor contestants being forced to eat horrible things before. But forcing vampires (who can't stomach human food) to ingest something as delicious as a cake and then seeing who can keep it down the longest seems to be quite an inventive form of torture. ;) LoL
And now, on with the bulk of my review...
Yay, Integra suppressed her giggle this time. :) Thank you for that. Sir Integra does not giggle. ]
And you did indeed take care of evening out the numbers. Hellsing gets automatic immunity for one match. :) They deserve it, no? I mean making it through half of the double sized 'Team Cullen', without loosing a single player, they've earned themselves a little break.
Although, I was a little disappointed that they didn't have a part in the newest contest. It would've been cool to see Integra and Walter going back for seconds while everyone else was trying their hardest to keep from vomiting up their pieces. The two English contestants could've even had some real fun teasing the vampires with the cake. (Which should've been an expensive, high end, rich, creamy, triple chocolate cake.)
Integra walks up to Edward, holds the cake right next to his nose (so that the smell of rich chocolate overloads the vampire's senses) and then she slowly, deliberately takes another bite, pursing her chocolate covered lips together. 'That's for Wagner,' the knight thinks as the Cullen's legs knock against each other, and he falls to the beach and retches up his piece of cake.
But I suppose I can't have everything, huh? :( LoL
And yay again, this time for Alucard's enjoyment of the Twilighter's outrage at Hellsing getting a blanket immunity. Yes, our favorite sadistic vampire, always getting off on other people's suffering. Ah, Alucard, don't ever change. LoL
Poor Edward. (Now, there's a sentence I've got to admit, I never expected to say... but I'm saying it with an insanely happy grin on my face. :D) Everyone's thinking of music, and he can't use his powers to glean any useful information. LoL I especially enjoyed what you had Jasper thinking about, “…just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you…” Very fitting, given the circumstances.
Also, I got a kick out of Integra's cheekiness, “…kill the wabbit; kill the wabbit; kill the wabbit…” indeed. :D
Hey, do you think that if Edward tries to scan Alucard again next chapter, you could have the No-Life King internally singing a Johnny Cash song (I've heard Edward absolutely HATES Country, and I've always thought Alucard was the type to be a fan of the Man in Black.)
Oh, maybe Folsom Prison Blues, “...But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. When I hear that whistle blowin', I hang my head and cry. I bet there's rich folks eatin', in a fancy dining car. They're probably drinkin' coffee, and smokin' big cigars. But I know I had it comin'; I know I can't be free. But those people keep a-movin', and that's what tortures me...” Given the view of Alucard that you expressed earlier in this fic, I think these lyrics would suit him well, no?
Of course, I won't be offended or anything if you decide you don't want to do this (It is YOUR fic after all.), but I'd appreciate it if you'd at least consider it. ;)
You know I actually kind of like Rosalie (your version at least). I enjoy her manipulative personality- It helps to keep things interesting, especially when it's time to vote someone off. And once again, she didn't disappoint. :) Now saying she's my favorite Twilighter would be rather like asking a man on death row to decided on his favorite form of execution. LoL So, I won't bother saying that. I'll just repeat that I actually kind of like her. :)
But her plan will ultimately fall through. There is no way Integra will ever vote for Alucard. Even discounting how close they are, he could never, ever be turned against her. Even if everyone else stabs each other in the backs, Integra can always count on her 'pet' to guard hers. And that gives her an advantage over everyone else on that Island. There is no way she'd lose that.
Actually, if Integra wasn't as intelligent and manipulative as she is, I'd say it was OOC for her to even agree to Rosalie's deal. But I'm sure the Hellsing head is just using 'Ms. Hale' to weaken the Cullen's team. I'm sure that the knight has no intention of following through with her deal. Oh, this is going to be good. *smirks*
And now we come to the matter of voting: I'm voting for Emmett. I was going to vote for Edward first, but let's get the crazy nude off the Island as soon as possible! I probably still would be voting for Edward. I mean he's my most hated Twilight character, and Walter's my least favorite Hellsing one-It'd be win/win. However, I read in SystemAurora's review that she's voting for Emmett this time. And I know she wants Edward off the Island almost as much as I do. So I figure why not swap my voting order? It'll give me a better chance of getting both characters off in the long run. And, although Aurora claims voting for Emmett will weaken Rosalie (who I'd actually like to keep around for a while) I don't think it will. I mean the characters aren't doing the voting here, we are... so really, what does it matter? However, I think the only reason you turned Emmett into a nudist was to influence us to vote to kick him off; and I just want to let you know, such a thinly veiled trick will not work again (at least not on me). ;)
PS. Oh yes, and thanks for the shout-out about “Of Wits, Wills and Wabbits”. That was nice of you, a bit unnecessary (I don't really care too much about attracting Twilight fans to the story, since I never plan to write another Twilight fic.)... But it was nice just the same. :)
Well, still really enjoying this. :) Thanks for updating. Have a good day, and God bless.
| bahleeeted chapter 7 . 5/29/2009
yay! I'm so happy you gave Tribe Hellsing members immunity. _ Good one.
I also loved Walter covering Integra's eyes back up... he's such a father figure to her, lol.
Way to go Alice! :D That's excellent. _ Figures she would know how to get Edward puking. XD Alice is the only part of Twilight that doesn't make *me* want to puke, actually, lol.
I LOL'ed so loudly I scared my family on the other side of the house when I read Alucard's "song". XD Gold.
I squeed a bit over Seras and Alice looking for furry animals to play with. Alucard: "I made you a nosferatu so you'd have unimagineable powers, Police Girl, not so you could woo small forest animals into playing with you."
Walter? Working on the roof? I HAVE FINALLY DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN. But yes, he would realise he's the low man on the totem pole (ahem, a 'poll' is something you vote in ;) lol) And as fond as I am of Walter,I intend to vote Edward off soon... but not before I vote off Emmett. O_o wtf, dude. And that will hurt Rosalie, so it's like a win-win situation! :D
P.S. ffnet filters links, so you'll have to put the link to youtube like youtube. com.
| Master of the Boot chapter 7 . 5/29/2009
I liked this chapter very much but I have some criticisms for you. I'll start with the criticisms.
This chapter was good but it was kind of blaise, it didn't immediately suck me in. I think you've gone and reached a kind of comfort level. I saw things in this chapter which I'd pretty much seen before. I want you to break out of your comfort zone and do things that you'd never imagine that you would do.
With that said, there were many good things about this chapter which I liked. I liked Integra and Rosalie's interraction. Rosalie may be conniving but Integra has a whole 'nother kind of strengh in her veins. I think that it's great that she wants to ditch that big, dumb ape Emmett.
The actual challange itself was great. Alice's reference to swallowing was too funny. That's the only thing that they would have to actually work at with endurance.
My one other criticisms that that there wasn't enough Alucard in this. In my story, I revel in his wild and psychotic antics. So even when he appears relaxed, the wheels are spinning at a thousand miles an hour and he's subtly ruining somebody's day. Next chapter have him beat up Emmett for not wearing any clothes.
"I think there's a piece of dirt on you."
"ANd there's another piece of dirt."
BAM! Right to the groin!
Well, I'll see you later. That story, My sister Rosalie, is that any good? Or it it just too much Rose to stomach?
MAster of the Boot
| geophf chapter 7 . 5/29/2009
"Dawn is breaking over Asema beach"
As in Breaking Dawn, as in a little book by a certain author, as in ...
What a way to start off a chapter talking about "wearing the buff" ... I thought you didn't "wear a buff", because I thought you "didn't wear ... when in buff". But that's just me.
And, yes, this is my review, so I can put my punctuation where it makes sense. OUTSIDE THE QUOTED PASSAGE!
Issues? What issues?
"and winning this thing should be a synch."
'synch' means 'synchronicity' (arising together, like coincidence but more strongly motivated); 'cinch' means 'easy' (m-dash-w-dot-com-slash-dictionary-slash-cinch). I think you meant 'cinch.'
"There’s not a stitch on the boy - he’s completely nekked."
I believe the proper spelling of the word is 'nekkid,' for the edward search to 'nekked'
"returning to the same old, boring fare" - the comma is superfluous, I believe, but I don't have Strunk and White in front of me to quote you chapter and verse.
“No go bro,” Emmett responds nonchalantly.
But here the comment is missing: "No go, bro" is the proper punctuation: 'bro,' the one addressed needs to be separated from the declaration.
re: "Walter continues steadily watching Edward." should be "Walter continues steadily, watching Edward." ... two actions need to be separated.
Oh, and "Upon spying cake, Integra – who is looking at anything but Emmett – thinks, Ooh, I wonder if it’s chocolate. She feels a giggle start to bubble up her throat, but stifles it just in time (lest she tick off a certain reader of this story O_o)."
You've just ticked off a certain reader for not allowing Sir Integra to giggle. Sir Integra MUST giggle, she must giggle NOW! The reading public DEMANDS IT!
Oh! And that was really, really mean of Jeff to grant immunity to the Hellsings. Favoritism? Is a certain author hoping a certain group win a certain Survivor series?
Well, I have one thing to say to that:
Did that come through okay, or do you need me to translate for ya?
And was that 'frosting' on Alice's nose, or were you hoping that she was (really) happy to see you, hm? "Surprisingly long and narrow tongue"? LiLa! I'm shocked; I'm appalled! Are you sure this is rated "T" (for "'T'op") or "" (pronounced "bottom")?
re: "The frosting and custard have now mixed with the acids of Emmett’s stomach to create a rancid stew that splatters on the beach."
Not sure if I agree with this approach. Do vampires have stomachs? Do vampires have stomach acid? What purpose do stomachs and stomach acid serve? To digest food. Such purpose is now no longer. The venom as it transforms the target eliminates quite a bit. Mucus is gone, tears and tear ducts are gone ... stomachs and stomach acid? I put forward they are gone, too.
Why? What is the one thing a vampire "ingests"? Blood. Is it digested? No. It is absorbed. The vampire's very being absorbs the blood, converting it into the appropriate "subsided" "food" upon which vampires operate.
Food, of course, is rejected. Regurgitated, in fact, as you write. But it's regurgitated how? Unchanged. The cake would come back up, yes, in a mush, yes (very much like tiramisu, but better), covered in venom, yes. But altered chemically? No.
For vampires, cake in cake out. "Vile stench"? No. Cake smell enhanced by the alluring scent of vampire? Yes.
re: Alice's cake-jasper ploy.
Ooh! So wicked. So mean. So devious. So cute. So smart. So Alice.
re: your comment on the Ramones.
Take that back. Take that back now. Oh, "I wanna be sedated" is not your cup of tea? THEN DRINK COFFEE, but DON'T BLAME THE WATER!
But thank you for the mewing cat Valkyries reference. You are so nice ... after all ...
That is until I read Alucard's mind, along with Edward: "When Bruce Willis was dead at the end of Sixth Sense, I ..." Well, you know, the contorted face look? Ick.
Ooh! That conniving b... um, what?
Wanting to vote off that boy who, as soon as she was turned, TURNED HIS nose up at her? AT HER? She would NEVAH plan such an awful, mean, cruel, self-serving ...
Um, oh ... um.
AND THEN TURNING ON ALICE AND JASPER! Eek!
Mean, LiLa, just mean.
But, wrong, oh, so wrong because your quote: "uh, when’s the last time anyone ever referred to either Rosalie or Integra as sweet?" has the perfect foil, that I'm not going to mention, but if a certain captive girl had certain feelings for a certain vampire that distilled into "she was my Rose taking care of me when I was sick or holding me when I cried or cooking me steak dinners or telling me she loved me."
Then the antithesis is enough to disprove your thesis. Oh, to hammer in the last nail on that coffin?
"Auntie Rose, you don't have to babysit me today, I can look after myself." "Renesmee, you're only three and a half years old." "But that's like 15 human years!" "EXACTLY, and if you think I'm going to let you spend even two shakes of a lamb's tail alone with that Jacob Black, you've got another thing coming, young lady!" "Aw, Auntie Rose, what did you and Emm..." "Don't you 'Auntie Rose' me, young lady! [note the comma offsetting the one addressed] Now open your German grammar to page 37." Renesmee pouts as she opens her book, knowing that's she's not getting any today. Besides, this review is rated 'T'. [note the full stop OUTSIDE the rating mark because the MARK does not include PUNCTUATION!]
Issues? What issues?
re: 'Rosalie interrupts her thoughts. “But here’s the condition - Alucard goes out next.” That’s it. Vampire Barbie is out of control.'
All I can say is, you go, Rose ... you go, GF!
THANK GOD somebody got that right. THANK GOD! I am sick to death of Rosalie Cullen this and Rosalie Cullen that.
It's ROSALIE LILLIAN HALE, thank you so very much.
And thank you so very much for emphasizing that very little and very important fact.
... but it's not because it was what she was called when she was human, it's 'Hale' because THAT'S WHO SHE IS! And that WHAT she is.
Now, why she is ... hm.
But I'm not supposed to mention ...
No, wait. I'm not supposed to mention *ahem* emm-ess-are, I didn't say anything about mentioning "Rose by a Lemon Tree," did I? If I did, then I won't mention it here.
But, but sacrificing her OTL? Her Emmett? Her barely-buff clad love toy?
Eep! You and Gwendolyn must be related. Just when you think all the stops are pulled out (because they are), you go ahead and rip out a few pipes from the organ, just letting air blare out of the bellows like a, um, like a, um, like an organ with a few pipes ripped out of it.
Um. "Cold, freezing brain. Not good." (That's a quote from somewhere.)
re: "As is typical with men, the conversation is stilted and what they’ve said has been of little importance."
HEY! I resemble that remark!
re: “Well…” Walter answers thoughtfully. “A good argument can be made for any one of you. I think I could be swayed at this point, Mr. Edward. Would you care to make a case to me?”
I like that you assume the voice of the character naturally. This quote stands out particularly.
[formatting issue: two paragraphs down, Edward's quote should be separated by a blank line ... just before that, Walter needs an end-quote for his passage that ends: "... we take away much of Rosalie’s power, do we not?"
And ... Oh! ... your finish: sweet and perfect. Then you outdid yourself:
OMR! LiLa, write things like that more often. Please.
But, then ... the footnotes.
One really must keep on one's toes with you, eh? Like, reading every word of your stories, but also in the down times in between, eh? Like, "Oh, geophf, what's the emoticon for wiggling eyebrows, and just asking, 'cause I'm curious, that's all ..."
But you forgot the link to the "J*zz in my pants" answer vid: "Puke in my mouth." At least that vid has the girls reading Twilight, so it's canonical, I guess. And it's so Alice, women's cleverness winning over men's smirky-ness every day of the week. You, of all people, appreciate that, eh?
Your link to Fallen Monkey does not show. What is it, please? Remember, LiLa, that ffn blocks links, so you must w-dot-whatever the address to get around that.
You know, you could always PM LordXeen ... again ... for the thirteenth time. I hear LordXeen is Great. Maybe the greatness comes from the reviews?
Over all, This chapter is wonderful, intriguing, insightful, and surprising, just like all the other ones.
Okay, so, where's my Royal Flush trophy?
| fallen monkey chapter 6 . 5/22/2009
Just read the entire story and am so glad I got myself caught up in time to participate in the first reader vote! I did vote in your poll re: the bunny, having been a fan of the Bunnicula series as a kid. Oddly enough, I was just talking about those books in Munich at an outdoor market because we'd never seen white asparagus before and saw it constantly there. I suspected the bunny vampire immediately.
Okay, so since I read through all the chapters before commenting on any, my review will be cumulative. Overall, this is one hell of a good story. And I say, "Bah!" to those reviewers cringing at the thought of an Edward/Integra hook-up. Bring it! I cannot stand Bella and bear no sentiment toward Integra-that mannish lady should BE so lucky as to get Edward. (how many Hellsing fans have I just offended...) Whatever, regardless of what happens there, I am enjoying the sexual tension; it makes perfect sense at least on Edward's part considering the soft, warm humanity of Bella WAS what attracted him so strongly. Twilight readers will get that if not the Hellsing crowd.
You are doing well in addressing aspects that Meyer underdeveloped (like Rosalie revisiting her past-and Alucard putting it bluntly at that-and Walter's evident interest in Jasper's past, if anything more is to come of that) as well unraveling what she unfortunately DID develop (i.e., e.g., Bella's perfection-well, SEE YA, you're off the island, you little whiner and FINALLY have someone else threatening to catch Edward's eye).
Oh, and I thought that brief sexual tension between Rosalie and Jasper a couple chapters back was interesting and quite unexpected, but most of all, GREAT STRATEGY. I LOVE that they're really playing the game! The logic that you interweave through the character's thoughts and decisions is clever, seems to leave no stone unturned. It will be interesting to see how you will now back into that logic based on the readers' votes. OUTWIT! OUTPLAY! OUTLAST!
Okay, to wrap up my virgin review, I give you my favorite quotations (just a small representation of the great wit threaded throughout the entire tale):
“'The vampires don’t need to breathe – big advantage in this challenge,' Jeff comments."
“'Uh…' Jeff stammers, not sure exactly how to comment on this new development."
“'Make good choices, and drink plenty of blood each day. You don’t want to get dehydrated.'”
"'…it would seem that the fact that are eight of us, that perhaps…perhaps it’s in the realm of possibility that it’s time for more than one paycheck to start coming in…' He leaves his statement hanging in the hopes that one of the others will pick it up. Bella lifts her head from her arms and looks curiously at Carlisle. After studying him for a few confused moments, she says, 'You would get a second job?' [...] But now the situation was different – there was a real and imminent need for them to get out there and get an effing job."
"Emmett looks downright doughy. This isn’t right."
"She looks down at herself and sees nothing to cause that reaction, just smooth, beautiful, taught flesh, which is more than she can say for man-boobs over there."
“'Miss Victoria, I order you to motorboat him.'”
"One might say – if one had a very poor sort of sense of humor – that they were saved by the Bella."
"If Rosalie is a water nymph, then Bella is a drowned rat."
"'That’s one vote Rosalie, two votes Bella, one vote left,' Jeff explains to anyone who can’t count."
"Edward entertains them further with a tune on the flute that he whittled from a tree branch. They all agree that the rain pattering on their foolproof, watertight roof provides a lovely percussion accompaniment."
"Even Seras, Jasper and Edward, who are only waiting on the beach, begin madly working together to mound up a pile of sand as if they’re making a giant sand castle. Anything to avoid looking at the squealer."
"Edward – dazed and not realizing exactly what he’s sitting on – stays perched on Jasper’s nose and chokes out sand, his body jerking with the effort. Jasper appears too stunned to even move, and Jeff once again finds himself fumbling for an appropriate comment."
"[...] so he pushes off the beach with one hand, flipping himself over and on top of Jasper again, but in a less homosexual way."
“'I AM NOT GAY FOR JASPER!' Edward shouts."
"He’s the only one he knows of that went willingly. Well, him and that boob Edward married."
Bravo, LiLa. Bravo.
| Xatvellan chapter 6 . 5/18/2009
Darling, this was beautiful. :3
I loved every last bit of it. Every word, every plot development, everything.
You're really starting to nail the character's personalities - I can definitely see all the little quirks you added in as parts of their personality, plus their decisions and thoughts on the others are spot-on.
Like Seras' ordeal with the bunny, and Walter's being unable to trust Jasper, and Alucard's desire to mess with/emotionally destroy Rosalie.
Though, I must say, the potential EdwardxIntegra completely blindsided me - I didn't see it coming, at all. But...I like it. I like it a lot. D
The scene with Seras, Rose, and Alice was a little...eheh...Unexpected, to say the least. xD
Still, it was quite cute, and, once again, very much in-character. Though I think that Rose might have maybe been a little bit more jealous of Seras' knockers than appreciative. Still, in some cases, when you see things like that, all you can do is stare in wonder...
Er...not that I would know or anything...;
Well, you know what this means, though, right? We need another yaoi scene to balance this out. D
Ahh, I can't wait for the next chapter!
(Oh, and the grammar corrections are coming shortly, in a PM. D)
*heads off to vote on poll*
Great work, m'dear.
But be sure not to work yourself too hard, yeah? As long as you promise that, I'll forgive you for delaying our vote. :3