|Reviews for Rescue Rinko from the Demon Choujin!|
| just staying blue chapter 1 . 3/31/2009
A first attempt is never perfect, but I can't fault you for trying. Heck, I remember my first attempt at writing UM fan fiction. Now, let's get onto the advice.
As I noticed, you are going for a simple plot that isn't too complicated and in fact is true to Nisei/UM. This is both good and bad. Nothing is flawless. However, you're trying to push "Mantaro must fight evil villians and save Rinko!" plot way too fast. While trimming the fat (side characters, heavy descriptions) makes for a more stream-lined experience, the meaty portion suffers in turn, and that is the character interaction.
Here is another problem, the link summary:
"It's a peaceful day in Osaka when Rinko is kidnapped by a mysterious new evil choujin. He then lured Mantarou into his world where Mantarou must defeat his 5 henchmen. Can he do it? Read and find out. Trust me, it'll get better in chapter 2."
It sums up what's going to happen, which is always a good thing, but saying " Read and find out. Trust me, it'll get better in chapter 2," is like saying "You want to read my story, just ignore chapter 1, chapter 2 is so much better." It sounds like you are not confident in your own writing skills, and when the author doesn't show confidence, the reader becomes very weary and doesn't read the story at all. Get rid of that part of the summary, and things should look better.
Good luck with future works!