|Reviews for Bones of the Devil, Ice of an Angel|
| A-01 chapter 4 . 5/19/2013
Such as shame this has been discontinued... I'm assuming that the rewrite has been as well...
I don't totally like your depiction of Naruto with his issues with pain and comparing his pain to everyone else's, just with my rather unfortunate experience with a lot of pain I see the result as if you carry on with it and try and do better you go past comparing it to other peoples.
But aside from my not agreeing with that point, this was a very enjoyable and creative story :) Well done.
| Sephiroth owns u all chapter 4 . 6/15/2010
awesome story please continue
| Please Read my stuff chapter 3 . 4/30/2010
| Star Dust of Ancient Novae chapter 3 . 12/9/2009
| burgekev000 chapter 3 . 11/17/2009
Very good story so far. some dark element in there. I like it. Keep up the good work.
| Yami No Ai chapter 3 . 10/31/2009
Excellent story I could not find anything too out of place or messed up.
| changingtides chapter 3 . 10/20/2009
great story cant wait to see more i like the idea of his transformaton itake it he has the curse mark already
| Jeffrey Vasquez chapter 3 . 10/15/2009
Initial thought on chapter 2 - it feels like you wanted to arrive at a certain point in the story (i.e. a big reveal), but there was a lack of foundation to go from the end of last chapter to here. I understand the jump, and the intent, but there was something important missing.
Let's see if I can explain myself, by breaking everything down into it component parts.
1. You open with a glimpse of the future. Generally this writing technique is somewhat tricky to use. Its sole purpose is to "Hook the Audience" and get them excited about how events played out to get to that point. Naruto's big reveal is the high point of the chapter, so I would discourage fully fleshing out the scene so early. Cut it off at this line and you have a perfect opening:
"No." The blood-soaked figure said as he stopped, his deep growling vocie echoing harshly in the silence. "No, there is no need, Mitarashi-sensei. I feel it best that they learn and come to terms with these lessons now."
2. From that scene, you jump forward in time two days. Save this to be towards the end of the chapter, because it steals the momentum you built up for your readers. They're more interested in knowing how you got to Nami no Kuni right now, and dealing with Haku's fate isn't all that important at this point.
3. The jump to ten day's previous is fine. The set up is a bit shaky though. For a Ninja village, missions mean everything. We see that in the case of Kakashi's dad. Completing a mission that you've accepted and been assigned (regardless of rank) means everything, since these assignments are the life blood of the village. I see this as especially true for C Ranks, since B, A, and S Rank are logistically less frequently given out. So, pulling Team 8 off their current mission seems a little heavy handed. It’s not out the realm of possibility, but it stretches believability. Why would the Sandaime reassign another gennin team (one with only as much experience as the team in trouble) to act as support for a B or possibly even an A rank mission? There are a few too many jumps in logic for it to be plausible without making a number of assumptions. So, let's back up and look at this from another point of view.
You need Naruto in Wave in order to meet Haku. Here, you will reveal some big things about Naruto's character that will set the stage for future conflicts and drama. Among those things we have (in no certain order):
A) The sheer power of his fused bloodlines - It's terrible and he
sees it as a curse.
B) His dual status within the rank and file of Konoha's shinobi -
He's playing at being a gennin, while in truth he's elite ANBU.
C) The resolution of the Wave arc
D) The revelation of the Nine
My personal opinion is that setting these things up, and doing them justice, is going to require more than a single chapter. Taking them in order:
A) The bloodlines – My thought is that these should be seen in much the same way
Anko views her Curse Seal. It’s a tainted gift, and by using it, he loses just a little
more of himself. Perhaps Yugao has worked through some of this fear with him,
and he is able to use the Ice without too much trouble. The bones however are a
great stumbling block.
B) The Dual status - This is probably the trickiest plot device, and in my opinion the
weakest of the entire chapter. It kind of comes out of left field and gives the
reader a wicked right hook, due to the fact that you spent so much time setting him
up in the academy. So the question becomes, which is he: ANBU or gennin? If
he’s the first, then there has to be a reason for his assignment to the academy –
flushing out Mizuki, looking for other moles planted by Orochimaru, some as yet
unrevealed threat to Shino as clan heir, or another mission that would require him
to be around the rookie nine. From a leadership stand point, Naruto’s power and
skill so far outstrip the children, it doesn’t make sense to stick him there. His
skills are being wasted. I suppose that both Sarutobi and Yugao could be worried
about his mental stability, and are looking to ground him, but that would have to
be shown earlier in order to allow the readership to move beyond it.
The second aspect of the dual status that weighs things down, is the need to protect
his identity. We really have no special orders, just ninja-logic, preventing him
from revealing his status earlier – at least to Anko. That said, you have this back
and forth issue that is the bane of superheroes everywhere. I think that is my
greatest pet peeve about superhero books – nothing gets in the way of a hero like
their very own secret identity. However, in this story it is one way to factor in the
revelation of the Nine. Not the only way, but definitely one the easiest. Naruto
revealing himself to be the Hone Kitsune at the end blows everything wide open.
His secret status as a hidden agent is destroyed, and with it so too, does some of
his usefulness to the Leaf. This would be bad for Naruto, but it might be good for
the story. There is a great deal you could do with this; politically it could be
viewed as insubordination, which is something Danzou would be all over. You
could also have more fall out from this single choice, by having Naruto gaining a
Kill on site Bingo book entry. The important thing here is establishing why he’s a
dual agent. In order to do this, you’ll have to go back to the first chapter and lay a
little ground work – most likely with Sarutobi. This will also go a long way to
alluding to how Naruto is going to act should Sarutobi die at Orochimaru’s hand.
C) The resolution of the Wave Arc – Naruto saves the bridge, but the cost is a little
more of his humanity. There’s also the implied decision to become the
weapon/tool everyone else seems to be pushing him to be. He walks away from
the identity of Naruto, and embraces Hone no Akuma no Kitsune. He gains a new
partner/precious person, and there is of course the naming of the bridge. The
resolution should tie up loose ends and bring forth new questions. The biggest in
my mind, at this point, is what will happen to the relationships he builds with the
rookie nine? This is one of those things that makes or breaks a fic in the Naruto-
verse. Who will Naruto “connect” with now that his secret’s out? Will he hang
out with his big sister and the rest of the ANBU, or will he try in some small and
futile way to remain with the gennin? One relationship would remain the same
regardless of his choice – Sasuke would still see him as a type and shadow of
Itachi, due to Naruto’s attitude and achievements.
D) The Nine are a bit of an unknown, and I think it might be worthwhile to reveal them one at
a time. In your Author’s Notes at the end you make a statement concerning the Nine and
“What Naruto unveiled on the bridge is a state he normally fights to avoid using. No,
it was not Kyuubi controlled. In fact, all the rage and feralness of that state comes
form within Naruto himself. For all intents and purposes, Kyuubi has been anihilated,
with one remnant exception. The Nine. One through Eight are merely representing
different aspects of Naruto's personality. But Nine is different. I won't spoil all
the details of how, but needless to say that the last vestiges of the mind of Kyuubi
reside within him. You'll just have to wait and see.”
The destruction of Kyuubi is a big thing, and a decision I wouldn’t make lightly. It seems
that you have a plan to explain Kyuubi’s “death”, so I won’t make any judgments or jump to
any conclusions until you unveil the secret. I will offer a warning though, one that tends
to bite a number of authors in the butt: Kyuubi is a mystical force, the greatest of all
the nine bijuu, and if what Kishimoto has recently hinted at is true – greater than all of
the nine combined. That said, it puts into perspective just what a miraculous and
incredible feat that the Fourth pulled off. Destroying the Kyuubi has big consequences,
not just for Naruto either. You have Akatsuki and the other jinchuuriki as well. Kyuubi’s
death (if he even can be killed) would create a vacuum of power in the world, one that
might just drive Madara over the edge completely.
I think that just about covers it for Chapter two. At the very least you have some food for thought and can make some decisions based on the ideas generated by my blathering. One last thing to remember - never be in too much of a hurry. Take your time, flesh it out, decide whether it feels natural or not. Above all else have fun with what you're creating. Tell the story you want to tell, and don't worry about the rest. I'll see about getting to the other two stories you wanted me to look at over the rest of the weekend. Have a great one!
| Jeffrey Vasquez chapter 2 . 10/14/2009
I know you've probably already heard this, or thought of it, but I might as well mention it. Since you have the complete chapter two posted, I would go ahead and remove this one. It breaks the continuity to have to re-read everything.
| Jeffrey Vasquez chapter 1 . 10/14/2009
From a technical stand point, this first chapter is pretty solid. There were only two grammar issues that I encountered throughout the entire thing:
#1. The village itself was busier than usual in preparation for the annual Festival of the Yondaime. Most shinobi who were not assigned to crucial missions had the day off to celebrate and mourn with their families. This also meant that there were two few ANBU to spare for so-called “non-critical duties”.
"...there were two few ANBU..." Should read "...there were too few ANBU..."
#2. Sounds like One is getting annoyed again. Sometimes I wonder about the viability of having more emotionally unstable clones at my dispensation.
Dispensation is a measure of time. The word you're wanting at the end here is "disposal".
Now then, plot-wise, the story is good. The plot device of Naruto being kidnapped and sold to Orochi-chan is plausible. The fact that Danzou is behind it is believable as well. The one thing I think needs a little work in this first chapter is pacing. A little more build up before the kidnapping will go a long way in solidifying the pivotal opening points of the story's foundation.
Currently speaking, Naruto should have two big enemies that he has to deal with in some form or fashion: Orochimaru and Danzou. Whether it be in nightmares (Orochi) or subtle acts of attrition and sabotage (Danzou). These guys need to be going in the background for a while, but their presence should be felt more than in just the opening of the story. There are a number of ways to approach this, but this is how I think I would end up doing it.
The way I see it, Danzou's motivation is simple and straight-forward; he wants to weaken Sarutobi - not only because he wants the hat, but also to get in a little bit of revenge over the old goat. Since Naruto is such a political and emotional flash point for most people in the village, it seems logical that Danzou would use Naruto as a tool in hurting Sarutobi's standing with not only the public, but with the Fire Lord as well. By having the boy kidnapped, Danzou implies that Sarutobi's slipping in his dotage. If clues were left that the jinchuuriki was kidnapped by Orochimaru, Sarutobi's past mistake of not killing the Snake Sannin comes back to bite him in the butt.
Now, the question is, how to accomplish the kidnapping without implicating himself? Dnazou is a spider, building webs within webs in order to plan for every contingency. What ever he does, it will be well thought out, and perhaps not terribly complicated, but thorough enough that even should he not get his desired results, something good will come from it. Danzou's the type of bastard that always lands on his feet.
So, first we know that Orochimaru has sleeper agents throughout Konoha's infrastructure. Second, it stands to reason that at least some of those agents were discovered in order to protect other agents like Kabuto. So, here's a setup - Danzou's Ne ferret out one of Orochi's sleepers, but rather than turn him over, they send him to the Snake Sannin with a proposal. Back Danzou now and get welcomed back to Konoha with open arms and an expunged record. Follow the plan to the letter and he would receive carte blanche for experimentation, so long as Konoha's forces benefited from the research and the Kyuubi-child remained a trump card for the Leaf to actively use against their enemies. If Orochi-chan did that, then he would even be named Danzou's successor, once the dust settled and the old man had settled some old scores.
This of course would be a very appealing idea to Orochimaru who, as a forward thinker so close to attaining immortality, would see Danzou wearing the hat for a few years as a small discomfort - especially since out right killing the man would speed up the process greatly. Accepting the plan requires that he sacrifice one of his agents in Konoha, but the rewards are well worth the minor loss. So, pawn number one is given the order to abduct the jinchuuriki. Danzou, in the mean time, is supposed to run interference in order to give the agent a chance to at least make it outside the walls with the boy. There he will pass off the child to someone (Kimimaro perhaps), but is "found" by some of Danzou's own agents (not openly Ne, but sleepers that serve his interests) in ANBU.
Orochi's agent is wounded or killed, but not before spilling the beans on who has Naruto. Sarutobi takes a political hammering, but comes out of the experience with little more than a proverbial bloody nose. In the mean time, a single team of ANBU or Hunters are sent out in search of Naruto. Years pass, and said team is following up a lead in a specific area the day that Naruto does his Weapon of Mass Destruction routine.
Yugao finds him and things proceed up to his return to Konoha. I would end the chapter with Sarutobi getting a report about the experimentation done on Naruto by a med-nin. Danzou and the Advisory Council (Homura and Koharu) would be in attendance. Once the report finishes, Danzou makes a comment about Naruto finally becoming a useful tool for Konoha. Sarutobi blows his stack and Danzou leaves, but not before demanding that he be placed with someone suitable to train the boy up - all so he doesn't inadvertently kill someone with his newly acquired abilities. The advisers agree and insist that it be someone powerful enough to put the boy down should he run amok. Sarutobi, finding himself between the rock of logic, and the wall of political pressure, is forced to agree.
End chapter one with Yugao visiting/picking Naruto up from the hospital.
From there, the rest of chapter one would serve as chapter two, and chapter two becomes chapter three.
Now, I know that all this would require a major re-write of what you have, so ignore most of it if the idea doesn't appeal to you. The two things that I would say you should take from this are simply: Danzou needs to be more of a threat (you can bring him out in the chapter three, but he should still remain a threat to both Sarutobi and Naruto since he was the one that orchestrated the kidnapping to begin with). The second is that Orochimaru's influence should still be felt in Naruto's character. Minor flashbacks (through nightmares or whatever) bring this darkness to the surface. Naruto would have suffered greatly at Orochimaru's hands. Perhaps he was in consideration for the role of a vessel, but due to Kyuubi the jutsu wouldn't work properly. Once that was found out, he becomes a unique test subject in trying to cure Kimimaro or reviving potentially extinct bloodlines, or some other perverse combination of reasons. The main point is that Naruto suffered, and the only way he survived was through sheer willpower or burying his emotions so deep that he is cold and dead on the outside (perfectly fitting the bone and ice motif).
Now, not knowing where you want to go with the rest of the story, I can't really comment more on plot or pacing. With that in mind, I won't linger on this chapter any longer. Everything else in this part of the story was really good. I would have made Naruto colder and more closed off, with Anko being the one on a mission to "thaw" the boy out and open up. Maybe the Sandaime specifically assigned her to be the instructor for that very reason. I think it would be fun to have her call Naruto her "Little Cherry Popsicle" and all her conversations with him a loaded with innuendo that cause Shino twitch from time to time and Sakura to constantly blush. Beyond that, I wouldn't change a thing in the academy days. Naruto's attitude would remind Sasuke of Itachi, which pisses him off even more. Sasuke makes beating Naruto a sort of stepping stone or benchmark for his progress in killing Itachi.
Hope this helps. As I said in my other review, take what works best for you and dump the rest. I'm off to look at chapter two!
| Vanster X chapter 3 . 10/6/2009
Great story, definitely looking forward to more.
| BigMammaLlama5 chapter 3 . 9/24/2009
WO ANGST! Angst... Angst... Angst... Angst... Angst... Angst... Angst... Ahem. Yes! This was very nice! I did have a few conniptions when I looked at the grammar, but oh well. I can't wait for you to get the next chapter written!
| Skelo chapter 2 . 9/13/2009
Love it! upd8 soon!
| puffdadder chapter 3 . 8/31/2009
Wow, impressive plotline, good grammar and spelling, must say i'm anxious to read your upcoming chapter. :)
| foxykitsuneyouko chapter 3 . 8/29/2009
good story please update soon