|Reviews for Star Fox: Legacy ::Archived Edition::|
| Ghostphoenix P.G chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
WOW, great amazing *I ran out of words*
Is the part about the Cooneys and James in the comics or did you make that up by yourself, because if you made that up. *Silence*... You are a Legacy.
| Ghostphoenix P.G chapter 1 . 12/11/2012
VERY interesting way of using American history to kick start your story so far you just made me rethink the possiblities of writing to a degree beyond simple story writing.
Q. Are you going to be including the Earth into your story?
IF so cool thats what i'm doing in my second VOLUME to my story.
| KeepingtheBlade chapter 8 . 11/19/2010
Each individual had a destination in-mind, and each was intent to arrive there as promptly as possible...
That sentence could probably be cut.
Somewhere within these bustling streets,
No comma needed, really.
He, Peppy Hare, Pigma Dengar and Scott Aberdeen all dressed casual here in the big-city. For James, that meant a rough leather jacket, but still with his Katina military-issue pants. Peppy, even after his recent resignation, still wore an unmarked Cornerian army field jacket. Pigma kept to a simple fleece vest over his shirt. Of all of them, Scott was the odd man out in a tweed sportcoat and a plaid patterned flat-cap –which the terrier very likely referred to as a 'bunnet', and anyone else might call a 'cabby cap'...
I feel like this isn’t necessary. I think you can sum it up by just saying that they dressed casually. The precise articles of clothing that they wore seem a bit irrelevant.
Also, why do you put … at the end of all of your paragraphs? That’s usually used to create some kind of dramatic tension or for a pause.
The vulpine producer's ears flattened against her head, –equivalent to a blush if skin were exposed.
That seems a bit awkward. I would recommend not making notations like that in the narrative.
Okay, so there are just a few things to look out for in that chapter.
I’m kind of struggling to find something to say for the story so far. I’ve already expressed that I don’t really find it very exciting, but I want to be able to articulate why I think that.
I have some problems with your narrative voice. It feels too… writing school. It’s just a very basic approach. You describe the setting and what the characters look like/dress like, and show us what’s happening through actions—which is all good, but it doesn’t feel like anything is happening beyond that. The narrator may not be a character in the story, but he’s also a person and he needs to have some kind of personality, otherwise everything he says comes off as robotic. So spend more time developing your voice and stop worry about the writing school way of doing things. You can consider the writing school way of doing things when you revise.
| KeepingtheBlade chapter 7 . 10/31/2010
Andross wasn't going to have that. He snatched the magazine back, stepped out of his desk, and began to pace about the dingy office lobby. As he worked himself up, his gestures became grander and more animated as his pacing quickened.
"They know I'm right about Voyager, Professor Al'Sayif. Those old farts just don't want to admit that a fresh CCU graduate like myself has them all beaten to the punch. Just you wait, when my thesis is published, when everyone can see for themselves that I am right: I'll show them!~"
I think you should put that kind of description after the quotes. The dialog becomes uninteresting if you’re describing what it’s like before I hear it.
Andross was caught off-guard by a swift backhand delivered by the elder Al'Sayif, silencing the young, egotistical ape.
I feel like you’re telling me too much here, and the sentence is too nonchalant. I don’t feel any of Andross’s ego through your narrative, and it’s weak and cliché in the dialog.
"Listen to yourself, Enos! And look at how far your damned blind-ambition has taken you!..." He indicated the shabby excuse of a patent-office around them where they stood. "...nowhere."
Lines I’ve heard a million times before. A situation I’ve seen a million times before. We know the story of the struggling scientist gone mad. I think they use it in a few superhero comics.
I’m disappointed with this chapter.
The last chapter was pretty good, but you slipped back into a boring streak with this one. I don’t really care all that much about Andross, and you skipped around too much to really give him a solid establishment.
I read most of the chapter thoroughly, but when it came to that last section I skimmed.
| RedBay chapter 33 . 10/30/2010
To start off I’ll start at the beginning and this paragraph.
- Vixy Reinard McCloud sat behind a desktop computer terminal in the home office, a steaming mug of sweetened black coffee in her hand filling the room with a warm, bittersweet aroma. The copper-furred vixen herself was dressed casually in a pair of form-fitting jeans that exposed a few inches of ankle, and sweater made with a thin comfortable material over her top. The terminal's display had the network browser open, showing a discussion forum site of which the main topics were centered around Audio-Visual media production. -
Over all waste of time. Sorry, but most of it is useless and things we already know as well as stopping the story to tell about the character and little about the backdrop that has no point. If you can never stop telling the story when you describe intergrade it in.
- The copper-furred vixen herself -
First, every time your reintroduce a character don’t restate the obvious. What was Vixy gonna dye her fur in or change her species between chapters?
- Vixy Reinard McCloud sat behind a desktop computer terminal in the home office, a steaming mug of sweetened black coffee in her hand filling the room with a warm, bittersweet aroma. -
I don’t even know where to begin. But what’s the deal with people and coffee? I come across the all the time and I know using smell is suppose to be used in write to help with association and all, but because of that would rather use scent to strength the scene than just throw in there. And why do we care if it’s sweetened? Is that going to be big part in the story? I tend to doubt it. Things like this just take up space…yeah, it’s good if you know that, but dose your reader really need to know this? It might be more relevant if sweeten coffee was big part of who she is, but I‘ve been under that impression. Finally, just using ‘bittersweet aroma’ would get the point across well enough.
- herself was dressed casually in a pair of form-fitting jeans that exposed a few inches of ankle, and sweater made with a thin comfortable material over her over her top. -
Everything about this is wrong; too many words, nothing matter, and this is one of those lines were I‘m so glad that I got the lecture mother-sister-daughter-aunt-wife-lover-friend by a group of guy reviewers years ago. It was basically how to write women…what to do and what not to do. Such as here, because Vixy set in mom and work mode talking about form-fitting jeans and her ‘top’ , ‘thin comfortable material’ (suggesting seeing through), and even ‘few inches of ankle’ (though less so than the others) are all rather sexually descriptions, so in a way it makes it feel like Beltone is making a pass at her or she’s just a little tramp (like her mommy). It also makes her more of object than a person. However, if the guy is checking her out it normally can work.
Next thing, where I came from jeans are causal wear, so do you have to tell this in every time a character is wearing them?
Third thing, have what you’re saying here isn’t even visible for the most and keep that in mind while you write.
- The terminal's display had the network browser open, showing a discussion forum site of which the main topics were centered around Audio-Visual media production -
Mainly useless info of stuff told in the first sentence, so could be cut back a lot.
- Within moments, a new window opened on the terminal display screen showing the squat olive green face of a toad.
"Ah, you're there, excellent!" he beamed with tempered excitement, "I hope I can spare a few moments of your time Ms. Reinard."
"Certainly, depending on who I'm talking to, Mr...?" The vixen paused, waiting for the caller to identify himself. -
This feels wrong. Doesn’t Vixy know that her husband works here? Isn’t Belton the head of Space Dynamics Company?
It also makes what I stated earlier more event.
- The bewildered vixen swiveled the office chair away from the desk, taking a moment to think. This was supposed to be her day off, some time set aside so she wouldn't go insane with stresses of her work. If Space Dynamics wanted to commission a documentary piece, they could've contacted Vixy through a proper business medium. On the other hand, they do want to commission a piece, which usually guarantees some funding. And by the sound of it, Mr. Toad wanted to keep this initial meeting informal, even inviting her to bring Fox along…-
This helps explains some, but I’ll admit that in the main I’m not sure if I'm fully following this chapter.
- In response, Fox just crossed his arms over his chest, and glowered even harder at his cartoon show -
The movement feels wrong here considering how Fox is sitting, so not feeling at all natural and even more so for a 4 year old.
Where you have your talk about the Arwing, the only thing I will say about that is…isn’t it a new ship when StarFox and StarFox 64 begin. Yeah, I know that it appears that Peppy flys one back in StarFox 64...it’s just an amusing side thought.
- "They're all a bunch of jittery nervous wrecks at the moment; I mean, they did just put their baby in the hands of a mercenary fighter pilot... Let's just light up that reactor for starters." -
Again, I state wasn’t he not earlier working for them? Like a cover job or something like that?
Alright, I think I’ll just come to a close right fast…a bit of time scrape, but I hope you can use some of this and I’m sorry if I got a little harsh and I'm touch on Andross later if I have time.
| RedBay chapter 32 . 10/30/2010
I’m starting to think that there’s unforeseen forces that really do not wants me to review this fanfic…more computer trouble and ending up sick.
Trouble aside and just to reply from before and heads up this will be more of a rant…my questions remains and the reason I brought up ‘why’ and ‘what’ is not that I didn’t think you had answers, but because I don’t have a clue what your ’why’ is (to a point I can‘t even guess and it‘s been a year and over 100,000 words. Isn‘t that a bit insane? It‘s also a strong hint that I shouldn’t continue reading any further…I‘m just stubborn). And I know that you’re characters do not have to be telling the truth when they speak (and I assume they don‘t), but who can tell? I’m sorry I can’t let this go, but I’m not going back down by just being told that simply I’m too stupid to understand.
I am also a little concerned about your reply about the weakness of the characters, because it was not meant to be taken as dragging your character’s name through the mud (yeah, I note their weaknesses and I‘m sure you wouldn‘t want to read my unbridled take of them), but more so like every mission the group has been on as been a mainly a failure and they are still considered the best and it doesn‘t effect their job (or life) in anyway…dose that really make sense? This is one reason why it’s best to embrace their weaknesses, not run from them, and not make a point to point out that they have them (that almost always ends badly). You also need something to stand for, so to fight for, and ultimately die for. All this time I still do not know what’s really dear to any of your characters (outside of James dose seem to care for Vixey and Fox) though if came down to truly sacrificing himself for them not 100% sure) and Wiley despite anything that has happened still hold feeling for Carman (and his son, though he hardly knows him).
I bring this up not be cruel, but your overly evasive dialog and running in circles plot is very frustrating and if you want to improve you have to know what‘s not working and what you‘re doing wrong. I’m also not look for an over chapter either, because learning to write well takes times. Don’t bothering replying to this review just think about it.
| KeepingtheBlade chapter 6 . 10/29/2010
I like the dialog between Vixy and James. It’s cute since we know that they’re going to end up together, and though it’s been done before it’s a nice variation on that archetype.
"Do you ever stop, and for once think about other people? Or do you simply jump to conclusions based on your flawed judgments?"
That’s the only line that I don’t really like. The words she uses are a bit robotic, and they don’t sound like a human response. A politician might say something like that if he or she was enraged with something.
"I don't need your help, I can do this myself."
That’s a run-on, but I like James’s attitude towards this. It makes him much more interesting.
It was quiet, 'silent as the grave' as some would put it.
I know I use clichés a lot, but try avoiding them. Silent as the grave has been used too many times. It’s lost whatever haunting meaning it had.
Rick struggled to bring himself to say these next words.
"Jim I, um... I..."
I liked this, for the most part. I wish you hadn’t put in the “Rick struggled” line. Let the dialog speak for itself. It was obvious that Rick was struggling with it without you saying that.
If it didn't mean collapsing to the floor in a heap, he would've broken from her grasp and given Vixy the coldest shoulder he could. So instead, he would have to be content with simply averting his eyes from her; even though he was mere inches from her face, with his arm clasping her opposite shoulder for support.
I’m feeling a bit iffy about this paragraph. I think it does more telling than it should. You could have just summarized it by saying that he averted his eyes from her, and it probably would have had the same affect if not a greater one.
Their gazes locked into each-other's, each looking past the eye itself: past the white cornea interlaced with thin red veins, past the steel-blue iris of James and Vixy's green, past the black pit of the pupil... They each peered into something deeper,and enigmatic within the other. Slowly -apparently without realizing it- James McCloud and Vixy Reinard leaned further into each-other, and they were forced so close already...
Someone behind the pair cleared their throat; they weren't quite as alone as they thought they were...
This was a nice moment, if sudden. I don’t think it should have been brought on that quickly, but you worked it fairly well. The diffusing of it could have been done a little bit better than third party interference, though.
Despite thousands of generations worth of developing complex cognitive abilities through evolution, people were still at the mercy of their pheromones, and their base primal instincts.
This just seems like unnecessary commentary.
I feel like your chapters are too long. They’re covering too many things in just one chapter; the mood gets thrown from one side of the spectrum to the other. At first we’ve got Vixy and James progressing in their relationship, and then we’ve got them trying to form a new team, and then we switch scenes again. You could probably have just divided these three parts into separate chapters and better developed them to make the feeling of each one stand out a bit more. When you hop from one to another like that while sticking them in the same chapter, it makes the execution of the ideas feel sparse.
| KeepingtheBlade chapter 5 . 10/29/2010
Okay, so there's a really big problem here: I'm bored out of my mind reading this. I don't care about the characters. I don't care about what they're doing. I practically just skimmed the last two chapters because nothing is remotely catching my interest. It just feels kinda dry and boring. I'm not that eager to read onward, but if it gets better around chapter 10-12 then I might as well, right? I hope I can actually start caring about what's going on, or I could just skip ahead right to chapter ten and read the story like the other chapters weren't even there.
| KeepingtheBlade chapter 3 . 10/26/2010
Okay, so we've skipped some time ahead into the future. So, really, there was no point in having that first chapter. You could have just started here, and the relationships between the characters would have been implied and eventually understood by the end of it. By having that first chapter, you're not really accomplishing much since there's no emotional connection established with any of the other characters, and you just end up skipping ahead, past the academy years and such, all the way to this point. It seems a little bit useless if you ask me. Anyway, this was better than the other one, but I still don't really feel like much is happening. I know it's the beginning, but everything feels very disjointed. Things happen too quickly and it doesn't let you connect.
| KeepingtheBlade chapter 2 . 10/25/2010
Alright, so after having read the prologue and this first chapter, I can say that you have a generally interesting idea going on here. I've always enjoyed wondering about Jame's past and how he came to be the person he is now. I've seen the orphan idea before, and I didn't look at starting date of this piece so I'm not going to call it a cliche, but it's just something to note as becoming more common in the SF section, when someone is going for a Jame's kind of story, at least.
As far as your writing goes, I think you're good at smithing your sentences, but I find the overall narrative to be dull. It's telling me a lot of things and rushing into pivotal moments. I don't see any of Jame's background and have no emotional connection to him as a character, nor do I feel anything for Rick and Rachelle. I like to start my stories off with a bang as well, but here you're describing something that the reader should be more invested in, something beyond just an action sequence, as Jame's whole life is about to change. Yet, he seems to be nothing more than a face. I don't want to see Anny Skywalker from the Phantom Menace-a character that I don't care about and acts more as an obstacle, or agent of annoyance, rather than being someone who's destiny is a matter of concern for me.
Your dialog is okay, but it feels a bit bland compared to the way you write your other sentences. I think that, in spite of your voice being separate from that characters, the general tone of the narrative needs a certain consistency. I struggle with it sometimes as well.
I don't like the movement from scene to scene either. It doesn't flow very well, and it makes everything seem underdeveloped. Everything is moving too fast, which also creates a disconnect with the audience. This is something that I used to do a lot as well, and all it does is create a sense of confusion. Everything is jumping around too much. Perhaps you can pull that off in a movie, but in literature you need more development in your scenes.
This is, as I said, an interesting look at James's life, and an even more interesting perspective, but it needs to be executed properly. James is a very mysterious figure in the Star Fox universe, and as such it's important to create an emotional connection with him and the reader to better understand just who he is and where he stands in this universe.
Looking forward to reading more!
| Chimerical Knave chapter 33 . 10/24/2010
-and I have proposition for you if you're interested."-
Missing 'a' word, literally. )
-but lets be realistic realistic here..."-
-"This project issinking fast-
Now for that challenge you issued out, or challenges, for that matter, I think I found one of them. The nose-dive. I remember it semi-vividly when James was with the instructor and the ship lost power and Hell broke loose.
I probably shouldn't have spelled that out but here I am and there it is.
Nice chapter. They finally got the Articulated Wing out; you've got quite a way with finding explanations for these things. Smart lad.
Jon and Barry's really? I would have never guessed. I used Lester's in Bland. Can you figure out which joint I took that from?
| Mr. Martin chapter 33 . 10/24/2010
So THAT'S how the name Arwing came about. Not a bad explanation. Sure it's lame, but the name doesn't matter, what matters is what the craft can do. I think young master McCloud has just found his life's calling.
Nice little peek into the Cerinia Project. What sorts of things are they doing there? And how does it connect to our old friend Messr. Hack?
| chaosLeader again chapter 32 . 10/8/2010
"But think; what did Rick achieve in this chapter, besides wasting critical time to get information and a plan he should already had?"
Many of Rick's suspicions were confirmed by a source he trusted (a source -with information- that Rick believes can't fire him, assassinate him, or otherwise make life hard on him); he reestablished an old connection that may prove useful or possibly detrimental (characters don't necessarily have to tell the truth in their dialog); and who's to say Rick didn't already have a number of plans formulating in his head depending on the exact circumstances? He was trying to dig up inside information in order to get a more defined landscape of the issues, rather than stumble into the whole thing blindly and, as mentioned in the dialog, 'get his hand cut-off'. In chessy terms, he's trying to get a more complete view of the board and pieces. From an authorial standpoint (why I decided to write this chapter), it begins to fill in a number of blanks that I've so far left empty, as well as introduce a number of new empty 'blanks' from which the plot can be pulled further forward. It also delves further into what I've coined the "deadly game of secrets" that defines what clandestine intelligence actually is and how it functions in a way that can be better shown to the audience.
I as a writer am not a cowboy shooting from the hip, and neither is Rick as a character; I always intend there to be a 'why' behind the 'what'. Whether my intentions make it through the writing process or not is another issue I think.
I'm actually a little surprised that the issue you bring up here is character weakness, and that I as the author may be squeamish in exploiting such weaknesses against my characters. Character is normally supposed to be a solid strength in my writing, or so I've been told, and so I've often observed for myself. I have always had every intention of dragging my characters through the dirt, exploiting their weaknesses at the 'worst' possible times, and if they are able: to let them climb back out of that hole to better themselves (Rick included). I've even gone on to present and hint at some of these weaknesses in other contexts throughout the story; chapter 31 is a prime example of this. I do not however disagree with your points, sometimes it is hard for the author to clearly see the weaknesses of his/her own creations. So even if my authorial intent is in the right place, what I see as a character's weakness may not be the same as what you see, or what you want to see. I know for a fact that I can much more easily apply such weaknesses to other writers' characters than to my own, and I fully understand that this is a potential obstacle. I'll be sure to tread carefully, as I've always intended to...
This is where having an account and using PMs, or even just email, could come in real handy. If we start going much further on the review page, the whole plot is going to be given away, and the readers are going to find out all about the characters before I even have a chance to show them within the context of the story. This is great and all, but I kind-of don't want to spoil the audience's fun of actually reading and enjoying the story.
| RedBay chapter 32 . 10/8/2010
I’m glad that the narration will help because I foresaw that being the biggest waste of time. I always had trouble organizing thoughts and spent several years trying unravel how get the image in my head to words on a paper (other trouble; I also do not think in words). I will add one other tidbit that might make even easier; when you start just write what you know will be there and don't worry about figuring out how to write it until you reached the end (chapter or whatever). I find it easier to focus on the plot and then write how I want it to come across and not do both at the time.
I might end up just having to sign up to to be able PM because I’ll admit that for any further useful reviews for you or Irish Redd is getting to a point that it’d be easier share info that way, but I’m still not sure if I should…hardly being online, not writing fanfics, and not really having the time to pick up too many to read, as well, as not sure if i want commit either story that much.
Sorry, but I’m not backing down with what I said about the plot. You asked: How much more could I, or anyone else for that matter, possibly do? My answer: Nothing as far as that goes and you are doing all 'you' can think of. Surprised? I acknowledged when I wrote, “…the fact that I haven’t changed a bit. I do not want in any to discourage your writing, because I still really admire the kind of work and thought you put in it.” And I really do, or otherwise, I would not read it more less waste time with a review. But think; what did Rick achieve in this chapter, besides wasting critical time to get information and a plan he should already had?
However, I believe you just asked the wrong question. Maybe the question should be: why do I not understand the plot? Do you know why ask that? Well, let me shake your hand and tell you who I am…I'm what your not thinking of, your unnamed chess opponent (since we're on that kick). Dose this help? Should I explain? Maybe I should…as I read and I think as your enemy ready to exploit your character’s weakness, something that clearly hard for you as the one who gave them life through words, so things are one sided. Am I wrong in assuming this? I don't think I am. I'll tell you why; I might not post my books up for the world to read…I know they're stupid and I know I have a lot to learn as a writer, but nevertheless, I know one of most hardest things to get a handle on is character weakness and even more their falls (or mistakes) and then making that work convincing (or debatable) manner, as well as knowing that's impossble to get all the kinks out (so more so having to learn to use them than fix them).
Final, I fully understand your reply on your plot, because I said a very similar thing when it was brought to my attention in my books and then my friends/reviewers promptly killed all my characters, afterwards asking, "Could your guys have stopped that?" (along with a lot of other stuff) handed me back the bit of writing and said, "Maybe next time." Next time didn't workout well too well my characters either.
| chaos Leader chapter 32 . 10/7/2010
It has been a while, hasn't it?
Normally I'd do this via PM, but that's not really an option when you review "anonymously" the way you do, and I'd rather not clutter the actual story with review responses.
I really like that you pick apart my narration like that. Of all the little writing things, I usually find that kind of descriptive stuff the hardest to write, mostly because of how tedious it is for me. Even if I don't apply your exact choices (which I never do, otherwise it's not my work anymore), they at least make me use my noggin a little harder and a little smarter when I've got my fingers to the keyboard trying to figure out all this little nitty-gritty stuff. That alone is far more valuable than any number of one-liners telling me how awesome I am, so thank you for that.
Don't you dare apologize for roasting the original James/Vixy thing the way you did. It is now (at least in my opinion) an infinitely more fulfilling read than what it was before, and I wouldn't ever take that back again for anything. The Carmen/Kishu thing was actually really interesting to write. All the ingredients were there for some good-ol' emotional drama, so even though that's not what I normally see myself doing as a storyteller, I figured "why let the opportunity pass?", and wrote it out. I'm pleasantly surprised at myself that it actually turned out as well as it did.
'What' vs. 'Why': This time, I'm really tempted to chalk that little rant of yours up to your self-described "strong opinions and overly critical eye". I'm already doing everything I can think of for the plot, both on the small scale and the large scale. I'm making notes, I'm keeping track, I'm taking steps, I'm doing the homework, I am bending myself over backwards at ridiculous angles to get this whole thing hog-tied together as I move forward. I know where you're coming from, and I have already been thinking about most everything you've brought to the table long before you even thought of it. How much more could I, or anyone else for that matter, possibly do? I'm sorry, but I just can't see any choices I would have made differently to get where I am now.
Short-n-Lazy version: Waaay ahead of you man.
But really, it may sound odd, but it's kind of refreshing to get beat upside the head with the cast-iron skillet of your opinions every once in a while. Obviously I'd get knocked senseless if you do it too much, but here and there and every-so-often works wonders: living proof of it right here. Thanks again.