|Reviews for Files of the 4th Division|
| glowie chapter 5 . 6/7/2009
Maybe you're trying to cover too many characters in too short a space. You're not giving them enough limelight to dwell deeper into the characters. Thus, we don't really "feel" for the characters and thus isn't that interested in the little happenings in their daily lives.
I think writing fanfics is a really tricky business. Fans are generally only interested to read about their "fav" characters... of course, they don't mind having a few side characters to extend the possibilities but they shouldn't "front-up" too much till they eat into the main character's space.
I understand your plan is to do a one-shot of each of the characters... but I guess not all of the characters have that much "fan" base to begin with. Diluting the supposedly focus from one character to include more characters (so to satisfy more fans) doesn't help because then you ended up not satisfying any. Namely, those who are only interested in certain characters (like me) and those who really want to see you dwell deeper into the current focus.
| ijuintekka chapter 4 . 5/21/2009
I'm not a good reviewer but since you asked me I'll try to be as helpful as I can.
Okay, so here's what I have to say about the story so far:
You really really really like your acronyms. I can see that. :P However, I think it would be a good idea to try and cut back on them, especially when it's outside of dialogue where they don't necessarily need to be referred to in that manner.
"Ah, Konparu-kun." A JGSDF officer greeted Kiriya, clad in his JGSDF General uniform.
Instead of using the acronym in both those cases, it might be better for the reader if you had written "defence force officer", and described the uniform in a little more detail instead of using the acronym for that as well, since it's more than likely that your readers will not understand what the JGSDF is or what their uniforms are like.
Character actions are also a little confusing. For example, where you have written; "He stared at the wall clock nearby, informing him of the time." The way it is written makes it sound as if the wall clock is a person and Kiriya is telling the clock what the time is.
I realize, that with fanfiction, readers are usually already familiar with the appearance and mannerisms of a character, but I think the story would really benefit from fleshing them out through description even just a little bit. I am guilty of this myself when I'm writing characters I don't intend to make much use of but I think that you should consider it a little for a character like Mami whom is important to the team. (Yes, I know I largely ignored her in my own fic... And I apologize for that.) But it would be good for the readers if there were a little bit more of a descriptive introduction for your characters just in case they aren't familiar with whom you are writing about, especially since the second chapter is supposed to be about Mami and is told from her memory. And in any case, the story would benefit from more description and imagery across the board.
The descriptions of characters as they are introduced would also help the reader identify who exactly is in each scene, as they won't necessarily be able to remember the names of each member of the Ga-Rei cast.
Honestly, I cannot stress enough how important description is, otherwise it's just line after line of dialogue and that gets very difficult to keep reading.
I notice you also like to use Japanese words like "Ara", "Shirei", "Hai", etc, when the English alternative would really have been the better choice. I think it's okay to use little bits of Japanese for something like a pet name "Na-chan" for example, since it's difficult to replicate that in English.
That's all the critique I have to offer at the moment, I hope you find it useful and I wish you the best for your future chapters. And I look forward to the more romantic interaction between Natsuki and Toru.
Carry on the righteous path of Tokusen 4, for Natsuki and Toru lovers everywhere. :P Death to Isayama Yomi.
| glowie chapter 4 . 5/20/2009
The pacing is good. :)
Will be looking forward to the next chapter. Toru x Natsuki moments are always welcomed. :P
| ijuintekka chapter 3 . 5/7/2009
Good job. Anything with Natsuki and Toru together is ok in my book. :P
Just one thing to note, Natsuki's motorcycle is the ZX-6R not the ZX-10R. You can tell because of the big exhaust that the 10R has, which isn't present on the 6R or on Natsuki's bike.
| glowie chapter 3 . 5/7/2009
Wow... long chapter but I think you're moving too fast... not enough details and too much happening. You're assuming we are familiar with your setting and skip over the details. I was quite lost when you introduce Nobuo. When you made alterations to a character's background, you should find a way for us to realign ourselves... I was like... huh? :P
It's weird too when you made Nobuo Natsuki's twin and don't have them interact. eg. the meeting. Also, did Natsuki know Nobuo when he saved them? Just how long had she know her long-lost brother is just around the area?
Don't rush yourself. Take your time and build your story and characters. Then again... I don't have much experience in writing my own story so I'm not even sure if my advice is correct. LOL. :P
Good try though. Keep up the good work! :)
Natsuki lowered his pistol
| Anonymous chapter 2 . 4/21/2009
Bro.. I am glad to see that you did not take my comments the wrong way.. I think you got it and my comments are only from a reader's perspective.
Think about initial D and Ga rei's storytelling.. they have an ENDGAME that takes a lot of build up and makes you want to watch the next episode.
Likewise you have to demonstrate to readers that you have the focus to provide that"answer" and cater your chapters and charachter development to that end... you have to make the readers want to go to the next chapter.
Like I mentioned think about why the demons exist, that may be a good start.. historical or philosophical perspectives.. even political endgames.. i have ideas of my own but I leave your story to your own devices : )
If you have that focus there will be a reason to develop the characters.. developing characters are great but if it does not tie into a motivating main story, it is not that intriguing. At this point you are developing characters the way you want but they have nowhere to go. That is my opinion.
| Anonymous chapter 1 . 4/21/2009
I just finished reading your fanfic bro. Quite an amazing feat for your brother since I hardly read (eventho I write a few fanfics) ; ). So my comments to you are from that perspective.. from a guy who has a short attention span. Don't take it the wrong way, it's just my way of helping your writing style.. not because I think I have a good style myself, but from my opinion as a reader.
Before you reply to me and justify your writing style, think about my suggestions and how that may help a certain target reader like me. It is always good to branch out to other writing styles.
First of all in chapter 2 page 2 (printed) "AH!" his yelling could be hearD as he went...
Overall I think that your chapters are OK but it is the fanfic version of a manga "talking heads" which is a lot of talking back and forth to tell the story. Try to spend some time fleshing out the background.. the chara thoughts, even trivial stuff like writing about someone drinking coffee or thinking.. it deepens the story.
Think about how GA REI told the story.. it was a lot of emotional moments as well as how individual character interactions built the story together.. the whole backflash motiv was also good. Think about what goal you want to accomplish with the story, then cater the chapters and solo chara focus on it.
...also one thing I want when reading individual chapters is to get some sort of plot twist or some sort of main idea.. I notice with your works it spends a lot of time just going through the motions.. not much involvement for my own imagination to think where the story would progress. TELLING the reader what happens is limiting in terms of storytelling.
WHat works with a screenplay script style writing, may not work with fanfiction.. but you should know better since you read more than I do : )
Overall I think you should try to think about a main idea and a goal to the story instead of just focusing on a back and forth of characters talking. Talk about the philosophy of demons, or how each individual person thinks, develop them as a person. It is an advantage that division 4 was not developed in the story.. it gives you a clean slate on how you want to develop them. How does their past and way of thinking make them interact to others?
Anyways good luck on future chapters.. don't take my comments the wrong way. I think its great you have the focus to write chapters.. but I think you can make it better.
| glowie chapter 1 . 4/4/2009
Wow... lots of characters. To be honest, I only know the names of 2 characters in the Section 4 gang so I was somewhat lost. :P
Does this means your going to concentrate more on the "bioterrorism" side of things? Won't they then lose whatever advantage they have over normal people? (ie. special sights, magical-based weapons, etc...)
Ahh... not to worry, I'll sure I'll learn more of the story in the next chapter. Update soon. :)