|Reviews for April Fool's Day in Riviera II|
| Martin III chapter 11 . 4/20/2011
Definitely an improvement over last chapter. There's nothing humorous in this chapter, but then, none of it seems intended to be humorous. And the plot is fun, even if there's no clear direction to it.
I won't bother explaining all the little errors in this chapter, so this is mostly just a big list:
of minor typos: ""It's embracing if you...", ""Oh so your named after...", "Ein said to himself, ignore the heated debate around him.", "...this Cierra is the real dea,.", "...which do you have pig tails...?"", "...and looked it its strange coloring.", "She gripped her wooden staffed as...", "The intruded focused...", "After all, he probably lived he all his life.", "...she can't here me.", "...when she opened ear eyes.", "Diasy said, hiding being Diana..."
wrote "though" where it should be "thought" on 7 different occasions.
wrote "angle" instead of "angel" a couple times as well.
Ein thinking he's dreaming was a little odd, but I guess Rose mysteriously becoming a sprite would support that impression. The lack of explanation for that bugs me, though; you'd think Rose herself would at least comment on her new condition.
The most striking part of the story is where Cierra(or whoever it is; I haven't figured out who's in her body yet, though I've been suspecting it's Soala) recognizes Ein. The way his heroic diffusing of her fireball and his thoughtful pose IDed him is a fitting bit of characterization. And given that no one else has really recognized him, it makes one wonder all the more who is in Cierra's body.
The battle with Serene was good, very exciting and with a satisfying resolution. Not a bad cliffhanger for the chapter, either.
Anyway, looking forward to seeing a resolution of this soon. Would you believe this story is already nearly twice as long as the original "April Fool's Day in Riviera"? Crazy.
| Martin III chapter 10 . 5/24/2010
I have to say that I didn't enjoy this chapter much. There's too much of the pervert stuff here, and it's far too over-the-top. Both the opening dream and Ein fondling the sleeping women are particular culprits, mainly for the aforementioned reasons, but also because they slow down the plot.
The usual list of minor errors:
1."...the most beautiful site." ...That's "sight".
2."...and the saw the Elder..." The first "the" doesn't belong.
3."...as she short height shielded his..." I assume you meant "as his short height".
some reason, in this chapter you keep referring to Diana as "Dinah".
5-7."Fia stared back but succumb to...", "Her tears slowly stop as...", "...but as he might has forgotten," "succumb", "stop", and "has" are all present tense, where they should be past tense.
8."...ready to fight the slew of pranks." That's "slough of".
The passage where Ein contemplates his conflicting identities of Ein and Diana is perhaps the best bit. Strong, convincing prose providing some good characterization for Ein.
Fia's supplication to Diana doesn't make a whole lot of sense. What does she think she could learn using someone else's body with another woman? Still not as bad as what follows, though... I just don't see Ein being so callous to Fia, even in April Fool's Day world. And it's not fun reading about a nice girl like Fia being humiliated.
The scene between Ein and the Elder in Fia's body is alright, but I can't understand the interrupting scene at all. I don't even know who the POV character is.
Overall rather a weak chapter. Hopefully things will pick up next update.
| Martin III chapter 9 . 3/22/2010
This chapter is much less entertaining than most of the earlier ones, to be honest. Still, there are a few good bits; I especially loved the Elder's completely unconvincing impersonation of Fia in the final scene. And the plot moves steadily forward with no major missteps, which is the most important thing.
Here's the list of minor errors:
1."Suddenly, the loud footsteps pierced the silent air." The first "the" doesn't belong.
2."It seems that they want to look away," You slipped into present tense here.
3."...wrapping it around their body..." Should be "their bodies".
4."...a tube dress on the girl's..." The apostrophe doesn't belong.
5."Ritz walked back house of his stone house," This doesn't make any sense.
6."As she walked pass her living room," Should be "walked past".
7."...Soala closed her dressed..." Should be "dresser".
8."...didn't make a different." Should be "a difference".
9-11."...shocked at the site.", "She came upon a strange site.", "and saw a dreary site." That's "sight".
12.""I see." The Elder said to say as she produce a pipe from under his seat." LOTS of errors in that one. Corrected rewrite: ""I see," the Elder said as he produced a pipe from under his seat."
13."She had purple eyes, purple eyes and a frown..." You wrote "purple eyes" twice.
The flashbacks are pretty well done in this chapter, especially how they're introduced. The Elder's talk with Ein is interesting, and it's nice to see that previously alluded to scene rendered in full - and more importantly, given a logical explanation. The mentioning a few chapters was basically a joke, and it's oddly satisfying to see it made more... real. Ein's meeting Soala is very cute, too. A fun moment of Ein being his helpful self.
The encounter between Ladie and Mylene's bodies is pretty striking. You characterize Chappi pretty strongly there, and in general it's an intense scene.
As always, good to see another chapter. Looking forward to the next one.
| Martin III chapter 8 . 1/31/2010
Well, I'm still a bit behind on getting my reviews done, I guess. Part of it's that this is a long chapter, though, with a good deal to comment on, mostly positive.
First, the list of little errors:
1."but I guess desperate times call for desperate needs." That's "desperate times call for desperate measures."
2."vile" should be "vial"(that error shows up twice)
errors: "and show noticed that it", "coping the angel’s actions", "Soala's spells was", "wondering if Claude if under the", ""I called you hear early", "That commented shocked"
4."...that he would not wake up anymore." I think you meant "anyone", not "anymore"... That error makes that sentence rather creepy, by the way.
5."Two circular spells, position to the left and right..." Should be "positioned", not "position".
6."The angle knew decided to..." Double error. Should be "The angel decided to..."
7."Since Cierra was use to..." Should be "used to", not "use to".
8."The girl's screamed" and "The girl's were sneezing"; the apostrophes don't belong there.
Ein using the gender changing position on himself is an unexpected twist, and an interesting way of moving about incognito... if he'd used it a little earlier, he wouldn't have wound up in that uncomfortable position with Serene's body. Certainly the girls won't be giving him as much unwanted attention now that he's a stranger. And you gave good attention to his first experience with his new body.
I liked the bit where he tries to deceive Rose as to his identity, by pretending not to hear her words, for instance. The paragraph where he explains what happened to Rose is awkward and needlessly long, though, and it would have been better if you'd just said something like "Ein explained what happened."
Good that you caught that Ein would need his own women's clothes while he's being a woman. His way of getting them is rather contrived, but it works for this sort of fic.
Fia is very well-handled throughout this chapter; she remains compassionate to Ein and Diana despite the compromising situation he was in with "Serene". Her encounter with the Elder in her body is definitely one of the high points of this fic. Both the way she deduces his identity and their joy at finding each other in the midst of all this April Fool's chaos were beautiful moments. Good use of Graham's perverse character in a genuinely serious and moving scene.
Their subsequent encounter with Ein/Diana is interesting too, and the way he does his "Diana" act suits him. I also like how through these scenes, you have Fia and Graham using their own distinctive gestures, even in other people's bodies.
The confrontation with Mylene was definitely an awkward situation, but I think you pulled the humor off while keeping the scene believable. Poor Fia, having to deal with all this. You really make us sympathize with Serene in Chappi's body, too.
So, pretty cool chapter with a lot of interesting twists and turns. Not perfect, but one of your better efforts.
| Martin III chapter 7 . 11/25/2009
Hey Zesler; sorry I'm so unbelievably late getting to this review. It's an awesome chapter, too. Not without its problems, but overall one of your best.
Just to get the list of little errors out of the way:
1."He stored his scimitar back into it's sheath..." You used "it's" where you're supposed to use "its".
errors: "...stood their watching the situation.", "Ein... can you here me?", "...a miniature doll that would give The doll was created to give Ein the chance to retreat.", "...Ein's rip cage.", "...do this sort of think.", "The two annoyed witched...", "Misunderstands would soon be...", "...until he would recovery.", "...and see was wide awake..."
3."...more livelier place." Should be "...more lively place."
4."...return back the scene of..." You wrote "back" instead of "to".
5."...the limb, "dead", human." That's "limp".
6."The lightly tanned arc, waltz and twirled..." Should be "The lightly tanned arc waltzed and twirled..."
7."...the angel though of who this person really is." Should be "...the angel thought of who this person really was."
's "knelt", not "knelled".
9.""Weel... hez prababolee asulep n... [4ô]"Lina said," and "habe seat som trayps..." Lina said." In these parts it's supposed to be Molan talking, not Lina. Right now, that part of the story reads like Lina is arguing with herself. :)
Anyway, lots of good twists here. I love the deception Ein pulls off in the beginning with the doll, and how you explained it all. As I told you before, that part really had me puzzled last chapter!
How he used that little deception as a way to move around and observe the people of Elendia was a good idea, too. There is one problem there, though. You talk about Ein getting a different idea for solving the mystery, but then he just goes on observing people. Also, this is just my personal reaction, but I was very disappointed that Ein got knocked out again. It feels rather repetitive.
But moving on, it was interesting that Ein could "hear" Rose talking to him even though she's not right beside him. It surprised me, and at the same time it makes sense, since Rose obviously doesn't talk to Ein through sound.
I loved Soala's little magical operation on Ein's doll. The way you describe the magic involved is very imaginative, and I could really picture it all happening. And even though I don't like the outcome, the way Cierra encountered Ein and the misunderstanding that led to their fight is well done.
One odd thing is that Soala and Cierra are acting as if there bodies aren't switched, just as they were in chapter 4. I'm starting to wonder if there isn't something to this.
Lina, Molan, and Gill's little adventure into Lina and Fia's place was definitely fun, though I can't come up with any specific comments on it. And I loved the line "Serene never ever uses the word silly ever."
So, a very fun chapter to read. Thinking it over, I realized that there isn't as much humor as usual, but I really didn't mind that at all when reading it. And what humor is there is certainly good. Looking forward to the next chapter!
| Martin III chapter 6 . 9/1/2009
A very good chapter! The plot has problems(which I'll go over in more detail) but I greatly enjoyed just reading through it and going along with the ride.
There are a number of minor problems:
1."...and that he is always too careful but that's how he always is." Putting the word "always" here twice is redundant.
2."There's a highly, good, probability..." Those two commas don't belong.
3."He knelled there and waited," That's "knelt", not "knelled".
4.""...Doing what?" Myleye said curiously said." You have "said" twice there, and "Mylene" is misspelled.
typos: "Then do you since the scarlet witch?", "...set my someone else.", "while she was using some herbs and disinfect the wounds.", "YOUR NOT SUPPOSE to...", and "...if there were the only smart ones in the group."
6."...and stored his sword. He stored his sword and turn away" You have "stored his sword" twice there. It seems like everything appears in twos in this chapter! :)
"Mylene" and her encounter with her supposed children was amusing. You recognized how awkward that situation would be and brought out the humor in it. Definitely not the sort of scene that most people would think of; mistaken identity has been used for comedy in thousands of novels, TV shows, comic books, etc., but this is the first time I've seen it done with mother and child.
As always, the banter between Ein and Rose is terrific, with interesting interactions between master and familiar. The behavior of Rose's tail, pointing in Cierra's direction and all that, is a humorous little bonus. I liked that.
The flashback to the ice cave adventure, though, is... rather odd. It takes thing off-course, and it has no apparent point in the story, though it is very entertaining in and of itself. An interesting sort of adventure, and I enjoyed the interactions between Ein and the girls at the beginning of it. Unfortunately, it just doesn't fit in with anything.
Still, some very funny and interesting parts to that episode. I loved the way Cierra freed them all from the ice, and the very realistic consequences. A very pleasing bit of realism(albeit somewhat out of place in this type of fic :) ), and used to good comedic effect. I also got a very good laugh out of the running joke about being "the only smart one in the group".
The other problem with the plot is Ein suddenly being wounded without explanation. That part really comes out of nowhere. An explanation in a later chapter might erase the problem, of course, but at the moment it's too abrupt and unexplained a plot twist.
So basically, a confusing but still very enjoyable chapter. I look forward to the next one.
| Martin III chapter 5 . 7/19/2009
Pretty good chapter, though there isn't that much to it. I liked the battle in the dream. The way it played out is creative and realistic, even though it was just a dream. At the same time, the way Ein thinks during the dream really made it feel like one.
The banter between Rose and Ein is the best part,though. There are a few funny bits, but the highlight is the interesting stuff about their relationship and their personalities. Simple an urge as it is, the way Ein expresses his desire to put a stop to the April Fool's madness is pretty moving. And the things Rose reveals about being a familiar is interesting.
A few problems... At the beginning of the story, you have a few misused semicolons. In the sentence, "To each side of that person were torches and in front of that person..." you should use a pronoun so it sounds less redundant("To each side of that person were torches and in front of him..."). And there are some typos: "as she told him she was resented her words", "his gait slowly to a crawl", "Ein though to himself"(that one shows up twice), and "looking up to his master."
This is a nice kind of "breather" chapter. Like I said, not much to it, but what's there is definitely enjoyable.
| Martin III chapter 4 . 6/6/2009
Dang, this is getting confusing. Where is Fia? Cierra's acting too evil to be her, Mylene's too paranoid, Rebecca's too forward, and Serene's too hot-tempered. And everyone else we've seen seems to have been clearly identified as someone else: Chappi as Serene, Lina as Molan, Elder as Ladie, etc. I guess she must be stuck as Kyle or Claude... 'cause I sure hope the fairies aren't mixed up in this too!
Anyway, this remains quite an entertaining mess, though I'm disappointed in the plot's lack of continuation. What happened to Ein's gender-changing potion? And Soala and Cierra are acting as though their bodies aren't switched, which is strange.
But the way "Serene" falters with her wings was interesting. Some good humor here too, like Lina and Molan biting their lips. That made me laugh.
A bunch of typos to report: "because your 'losing' right?”", "Ein stood their," "when your flustered.", "Ein yelled out in angel.", "though to herself"(that one appears at least four times!), "to enjoy he day since its a"(double typo!), "that they too wouldn't burned.", "She could her many giggles", "just about ti punch Lina", and "forming right angels to her body".
Pretty good continuation overall, though due to Soala, Cierra, and the missing gender-changing potion, the plot seems to be losing its direction.
| Martin III chapter 3 . 5/26/2009
Very nice. Not as dense with plot as the first couple chapters, I'm afraid, nor as strong on the humor, but still a solid continuation. There aren't as many high points, but the only actual negative is that "Soala"'s story was a bit longer than it needed to be. For instance, Ladie and Graham discussion about setting up Fia with a guy didn't really add anything. Not that it was unpleasant to read, mind you.
The part of the plot that stands out the most is "Soala"; it took me longer than it should have, but eventually it dawned on me that that has to be Cierra. It threw me when Ein seemed to treat her like she was who she appeared to be(though in retrospect he was probably just playing along). Eventually, though, I realized that Soala's different dress had to be a clue, so I thought, "Who knows about magic and potions and wears revealing clothing?" And of course, her pinning it on the one suspect other than Cierra clinches it. The way you laid out those clues for the reader to find is excellently done. It really makes this story fun to read, because it encourages you to think about things.
You do have a bunch of misspellings: "slowly pail in comparison to", "the effected people", "slowly standing him once more.", "This awalkard space time", "so I don't except anything", "why your here?", "it stills doesn't feel right."", and "It was barely pass morning". Also, there are three places where "vial" is misspelled as "vile".
The funniest part was Lina and Molan's little brawl. Lina can fire a bow, but poor Molan in Lina's body can't. I also love Rose's involvement, and the way people get confused when Ein starts talking to her. The last bit of conversation between the two of them is cute, and makes a great ending for the chapter. Very well done overall.
| Martin III chapter 2 . 4/29/2009
Hey, what an intriguing start-up to this tale. Wish I'd had the opportunity to read this sooner.
The plot to this is already looking just excellent. The basic premise is good, less straight-ahead than the first April Fool's Day fic. The unraveling out of is even better, thus far; I love how you gradually clue the reader in to what's going on in chapter 2. At first I was overcome by intrigue at the bizarre behavior of the characters, and then it just hit me like a revelation when I figured it out. Very subtle and skillful.
Some nice bits of humor here, too. The way you used Fia's love of sweets is very cute. All the girls just come off as so lively in the breakfast scene. And Ladie's line "Well... I can definitely use a spear, better than anyone else!" just struck me as really funny when I read it. By far the most enjoyable part of this story so far is the plot, but that's not because the humor is lacking.
Here are some of the typos I noticed: ""Don't tell me your scared?"", "with a light of beam shining on him.", "but it he must like collecting weapons.", "why are you hear today Ein?", "She quickly though of something", "I wanted to asked them"
Overall, really strong beginning. Your writing style is kind of oddball, but you do it consistently enough that it doesn't throw the reader out of the story at all, and instead just adds to the feel of the tale. I look forward to seeing how this progresses!
| Anthony Redgrave chapter 2 . 4/15/2009
What a stunt! I can give you credit for doing this chapter. This time, I see B-I-G disaster happen in Elendia! Now I can really watch too the great fire works that I love to see in this second chapter.
Evenly, Ein's quite a good-looking person. Imagine wearing a google-eyes? Hah, I'd love that stuff. Well, pranks in this case are seriously getting above what is just to be. Simple pranks, tell-a-joke, and crude humor. Like to admit on this chapter.
-Green Dragon Mega Man
| Anthony Redgrave chapter 1 . 4/15/2009
There's a god factor of your story. Besides, you start your story with Ein's nightmare dream. I'd love that Zesler. Besides, the contrary of Fia's sweet tooth is the first joke I laugh at. Anyway, the story's good. I admit, I'll rate 9/10 out of it. It's a quite a clean story. Even you attach a note to everyone about the gourmet stuff.
Love that Ein was bullied by the girls. Heh, now I can laugh at it as well. Your story is better than the first series.
-Green Dragon Mega Man
PS: I've worked a story too. Heaven and Hell. The Devil May Cry crossover series. This' one is unique one.