|Reviews for Torchwood: Varvara|
| Rachel chapter 3 . 6/13/2009
I'm sorry if I come across as petty and a bit picky but it didnt half anoy me. Its good, could do better, looking forword to your next update. :D
| Rachel chapter 3 . 6/13/2009
You say subway. We only have subways in londen. Wales, scottland and england have trains. And also we call it "the londen underground".
| IndeMaat chapter 3 . 4/12/2009
Caden gets her wallet nicked a lot. Particularly for someone that in chapter two said she always keeps it in a hidden, zipper locked compartment of her bag. Can't she have followed him for another reason? Perhaps she saw a scratch on his hand that made her think it was the alien they were hunting earlier?
Because the family of three is so important in the story it would liven up the story, if some of their inane chatter made it into the story. It would help to relate to Caden and her annoyance of the family. And it's a little nudge that the family will come back in the story later. Readers are trained to pick up on these details, and can get annoyed when a story doesn't meet their expectations.
This, for instance, happened to me with the explosive with the runes on the side. Did the alien leave it there? Shouldn't Caden be more cautious after this? Shouldn't she report it to the rest of the Team? Caden acted more like it was an every day occurrence that she comes across explosives. I expected some kind of relevance from the explosive, but it did not seem to have any. It may become important later, but then there still should be some sort of foreshadowing that it will be important. Otherwise there should be an indication that it is not important. And if it's not important then what is it doing in the story?
Nitpick: in the first paragraph there are a few sentences in present tense, that should be in past tense, like the rest of the paragraph.
| IndeMaat chapter 2 . 4/7/2009
There you go, the elevator is for contemplation. Though the sentence that opens the reverie feels a bit forced. Actually, this is a show, don’t tell problem. Caden told she used the elevator time for reflection, rather than just going ahead and reflect. In stead of “I used the time in reflection. How can a person join Torchwood?” say something like: I looked at my colleagues, the stern determination in their eyes, and wondered how I had ended up with this lot.
The second paragraph has the same problem as I addressed in the first chapter; there’s too much thinking mixed in with the action. I can fully understand that Caden would be thinking to herself about where to hit and kick. I doubt she would think, at every anthropomorphisation, “or whatever the equivalent is for aliens”. It slows down the action. If hand is not the right term, use claw instead. “The thing put a claw over my mouth and muffled my scream.”
Even more than in the first chapter, I’m surprised that Torchwood doesn’t clean up the dead body. Amazing how they could have remained a (semi-) secret organisation if they don’t clean up after themselves. Jack would have a much easier time getting the alien gun from Caden if he hadn’t run off after shooting the alien. Did he have other pressing matters that needed seeing too? If not, then him running off and later turning up in her living room is contrived plotting.
Though I like that the two girls are trying to paste together what happened the previous night, it all looks a little to familiar. Too much like how Gwen found out about Torchwood. Rather than going to Jubilee pizza and hear an order being taken for Torchwood (which was the name Owen ordered pizza under and he appologized), can’t they go to some other favourite pizza place and see Torchwood’s SUV pass? (I admit, for a secret organisation they are rather conspicous.)
Yes, Jack was rather sloppy. Why does he want to hire a college student? And she doesn’t need school? Does that mean that Torchwood is a job for life? Because where is she going to get a job without a finished degree or a resume (I imagine that if she can’t talk about Torchwood, putting it on her CV as job experience is out of the question too)?
Nitpick (1): if the alien was holding on to Caden tightly when he got shot, why didn’t he pull her down with him? Getting shot doesn’t mean that immediately all muscles are relaxed (although one could make a case that this alien would relax all muscles when shot).
Nitpick (2): if the alley where the alien was shot is now a crime scene that made local news rss, then why isn’t there any police tape marking off the area to keep nosey college students at bay? Neighbours thought they heard a noise isn’t news unless there is evidence to corroborate that they heard something interesting.
The story is enjoyable. It needs some smoothing over of rough edges, but I’m looking forward to an update.
| IndeMaat chapter 1 . 4/7/2009
The opening line is great: "Running up all the flights of stairs in the stairwell made the muscles in my legs burn". Good, start with the action. Then the story bogs down in some unnecessary detail. Aside from the fact that Team Torchwood doesn't need any introductions in a Torchwood fanfiction, it's kind of hard to believe that someone who is running up the stairs and trying to focus on the reason for that thinks to herself: behind me is my colleague who has dark hair and bangs. Surely, that was not the reason she was running up the stairs (unless they were chasing a mad hairstylist).
This chapter has some good action in it, but it gets spoiled by all the context, the comments the narrator makes to explain things. I figure, that at this moment the narrator is running up some stairs giving chase to a trigger happy alien. Adrenaline is pumping through her vains. She does not have the time, nor the calm, to contemplate why the others do the things that they do. At least until the alien has jumped out the window (although I was surprised Jack didn't jump after it and continue the chase down the fire escape). Then she can calm down; the chase is over and she can go to her task of examining the body.
Introductions of the narrator, and the Team if she must, can wait until she is riding down in the elevator, thinking about how she strayed from her goal of a night out with friends and getting a college education. I don’t mind comments like “it’s like the man isn’t afraid of getting blown to pieces.” It’s an assessment of a relative outsider on the enigma that is Jack Harkness. I just don’t think the narrator would think things like that in the heat of action.
Some other comments:
9 mm is a rather common caliber. There is more than one make of gun that comes in that caliber and thus, it’s not just the police “back home” that uses it. It’s not the type of amunition used to blow people to pieces with. The choice of words there made me think that what was left of the woman was splattered all over the furniture and the walls, and not enough for a formal indentification. That could be the case if the alien had thrown an explosive at the woman, not by firing a small projectile at her. At best, a bullet can cut one piece of her, but depending on the piece, that’s unlikely to kill her.
Why were they all chasing up the stairs? Why not have two chase up the stairs and two with for the elevator as to make sure the alien doesn’t cross paths with them? And if they were so desparate to catch it, why did no one make an attempt to chase it further after it had jumped out the window?
Did the Team make any sort of arrangements to clear the body of the woman from the apartment? Or did they just leave it for the police?
I think this could be a fun story: an outsider-insider view of Torchwood.
| socalrose chapter 2 . 4/6/2009
I can tell I'm going to love this one.