|Reviews for In Your Mind|
| SabukuKyu69 chapter 1 . 5/31/2012
Watashi is the correct way to say I in Japanese. It is the girl ver. Btw still like it :)
| ShiroiYuki911 chapter 9 . 3/29/2011
This is a really good story! I love it! I'm officially begging you to update soon!
| EgyptianSoul.88 chapter 8 . 12/27/2010
Marik's a terrible boss...love this story, It's quite well written, I hope you continue it! Can't wait to read more.
| The One Called Demetra chapter 5 . 8/28/2010
Awkward phrase, because everybody loves those: 'to become cold'
Hmm, has she ever actually seen the Sennen Rod?
And what I'm kind of wondering is why a fifteen year old girl is taking this entire business so easily. An eighteen-year-old at very least, maybe, a strongwilled one, but fifteen? I'm fifteen, I know I wouldn't be acting like her. She ran away from home, almost died in the desert, ended up in a gang, found out telepathy is real and there's a magical golden phallic symbol that lets you do so, got flown to another country alone...you'd think any one of those would be enough to freak her out a bit. Mainly the telepathy thing. But I digress.
(yeah, I'm whining a lot, but this is still the best story for this pairing I've seen in a long time...)
| The One Called Demetra chapter 4 . 8/28/2010
...okay yeah, the rules are consistently screwed when it comes to the card game, but I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to attack with two monsters in one turn.
| The One Called Demetra chapter 3 . 8/28/2010
Oh, good, he figured out her disguise straight off. Pet peeve of mine, where no one ever suspects a crossdresser's actual gender, especially a really lazy one.
I'm preeeetty sure the Sennen Rode connects you to the enslaved (eg: you can talk to them telepathically and read their mind as well as control them), but you have to enslave them first, which is kind of a deliberate action rather than just having people's thoughts broadcasting all the time and being able to pick it up. At least I think. Yugioh is not very good about clarity with its magical golden trinkets.
But why does someone have to be a Ghoul to have their mind read?
Awkward phrase: 'He'd rescued her life' Gah, stop messing with stock phrases, it's just weird. 'Saved her life' or 'rescued her'. Pick one.
'These must certainly be those hormones Rishid had warned him about' I laughed out loud at that. :D
| The One Called Demetra chapter 2 . 8/28/2010
A few minor stylistic snags, from this chapter and the last:
Redundancy: 'mental note in her mind'
Contradiction: 'deep shade of lavender'
Logic: Dehydration is serious business, she should be far more troubled by the lack of water than having a dry throat and bringing it up occasionally.
Awkward phrase: 'Jabari's eyes, Elise noticed, suddenly looked afraid' Generally when describing how something looks, you don't have to say it 'looked' that way, unless you're trying to make an unsubtle point about how they only look this way, and aren't actually that way.
'seemed to strike down ' Same concept; seemed nothing, it DID do that. And while I'm talking about this sentence, the sequence of events is very strange. Lightning strikes, thunder rumbles, and THEN he screams? You're think that he'd scream as soon as he saw the lightning bolt, it'd hit him and probably kill him instantly, and then the thunder would rumble almost immediately. He got struck by lightning. That's pretty simple.
'His eyes looked terrified, but his face wasn't showing any emotion whatsoever' Again, they didn't look it, they were terrified. Also, the phrase is usually something like 'His face was blank, but his eyes were terrified'. It's such a stock phrase that changing the order of the clauses makes it jarring and awkward.
That's about it. Just had to say that before they started piling up and I started forgetting them. *skips off happily to the next chapter*
| The One Called Demetra chapter 1 . 8/28/2010
So I've been looking for a decent Malik/OC fic since forever. They aren't exactly scarce, but they've been almost uniformly awful, or awkwardly written, or heavily leaning toward the English dub (however many good childhood memories I have with it, it's just - not - right), or silly, or inundated with the rank of Mary Sue.
So far, this fic is none of those. (Oh god please let it continue like this...)
One thing Malik/OC fics tend to be guilty of is having really silly plot devices to get them together, but in this one, judging by Elise's belief in listening to her heart and her love of cell phones, I'm thinking that she's just kind of an idiot/teenager/same thing, and therefor the exact kind of person to run away to the desert with one bottle of water and no idea where to go. Bit of a stretch, but hey, I'm buying it.
| Lady Mariha chapter 9 . 7/23/2010
Nice, I think you got him just right. *lol*
It has been too long waiting but I still can't get enough.
Update sooner please, it is on my top 10 list and I dont even have ten stories that make the list.
| PsychopathicPrincess chapter 9 . 7/18/2010
AHH! i LOVE this chapter :D
everything about it is just so well put! :D
can't wait to read more
update soon :D
| iCraft chapter 9 . 7/15/2010
This is great! I really like your OC so far, and Malik is spot on character-wise. I really like the last chapter and how it focused on his thoughts. This is a really awesome story so far, and I can't wait to read the next chapter! :D
| Mayacompany chapter 9 . 7/15/2010
Nice chapter and it's fun to read from my ipod
| MManipulative33 chapter 9 . 7/14/2010
Ooh. I like the idea of interludes. This was some interesting insight, not to mention cute and amusing. I'm glad you wrote it. :)
Looking forward to another update!
| The Duelist's Heiress chapter 9 . 7/14/2010
I enjoyed that.
| Shadow Dice chapter 8 . 5/24/2010
Good story, I actually found this in The Duelist's Heiress' favorites and it sounded interesting! The story is coming along great and don't worry I don't think any of the characters are OOC :) Hope you update soon!