|Reviews for Goddess|
| The Matriarch chapter 1 . 3/20/2010
Chapter one review:
-I like that you open with a voiceover of Phoebe while she is typing on her computer. I can see that you've already jumped in with the storyline of her writing a book. Good opening paragraph.
-The description of the furniture around her was a good addition. It gives the reader the sense of being in your mindset when they read it. Be careful of repeating certain actions though, for example:
"…placing it off her legs which were spread across the crème colored couch she had in her condo. Putting her laptop on the coffee table, she swung her legs over onto the floor without making a sound."
Instead of using legs twice in this short paragraph, I would change this:
"Placing it off her legs" to "sliding it off her lap".
I know you added the legs bit to fit with the description, but you could maybe have said, "…sliding it off her lap as she lounged on the crème colored couch." See? Makes it flow a little better. We tend to repeat words a lot while writing; I did it a lot when I first started out. Keep a thesaurus nearby, it will become your new best friend. Trust me. ;-)
-"And so far, if what the previews were showing were true, then she had no problem for the movie that was to be the rest of her life." Really loved this, just had to point that out.
-"Writing the introduction of her book, which she was still unsure of her title for, had triggered something in her mind. Phoebe had grown apart from her sisters ever so slightly from moving out, and not having to deal with the Charmed duties, they could all live a normal life, spending family moments like they were supposed to, not fighting demons. In this month, she hadn't spoken to Billie since watching the death of her sister Christy. Piper felt strongly about Billie's exclusion from the Halliwell family, yet Phoebe felt differently."
This paragraph didn't flow so nicely to me. Just felt a bit scattered. Be sure of all the wording and paraphrasing when writing. Some of the sentences run on a bit so you get a little lost from the point.
-I do like the little nod to the muses, her being the one that inspired Phoebe's spell.
-Also be careful of words that sound the same like "whole" when you actually wanted to say "hole". Be sure to check your pieces thoroughly. Occasionally, a little word error will slip through the cracks but by being on the lookout for them, you'll have less rearing their ugly heads.
-I do like the scene where Billie is visiting her family at the graveyard. Nice touch to look back on her loses.
-I like that we can think that after the sisters returned home in "Forever Charmed" that Billie tried to go back in time to stop herself from killing Christy. Obviously, what she had done was meant to be since she couldn't change the outcome.
-Here is just another example of repeating words.
"In the same way Phoebe had appeared, Phoebe and Billie disappeared from the grassy ground, in shimmering white lights, and the two witches disappeared from the graveyard,"
You already stated the girls disappeared and then you mentioned it again. Just keep a lookout for those little things.
-Billie blaming herself is only natural. You always think you could have done something to save someone close to you even when the circumstances prove different. You enacted that very well here.
-I like that Phoebe can on some level relate to Billie's situation on killing someone close to you. It makes you understand Phoebe empathy towards her a little better.
-I also like that Phoebe has some guilt over Prue's death. Yes, if she didn't go after Cole, then she might have been there for her sisters. That always bugged me that she cared more about saving Cole than being there for her sisters when, excuse the pun, all hell was breaking loose.
-I like that you brought J.D. back, I always felt like he and Billie had a connection. Strange that Billie didn't tell Phoebe that J.D. had become a whitelighter.
-I know Billie is happy to see J.D. but she comes across quite chipper for someone who was just having an emotional breakdown a moment ago. Their departure was a bit abrupt as well.
-"Aw crap" is actually something Piper would say. I can't really recall Phoebe saying it, LOL. But I do like the little cliffhanger you left us with. I have a feeling she might be off on a journey to work through some of her issues.
For a first chapter, it wasn't half bad. Makes me want to find out what happens next. Don't take the little things I pointed out personally, I had to learn all of that too, we all do. I hope I did give you some good advice and that I'll see it shine through your future writing. Good job, Rhod. I'm proud of you. ;-)
| Artemis the Emerald Princess chapter 13 . 2/12/2010
I loved it!
| lizardmomma chapter 13 . 2/12/2010
Very well done. I really liked the ending. The auger shell was a great idea.
| lizardmomma chapter 12 . 2/11/2010
very nice work. I can't believe it's almost over :(
| lizardmomma chapter 11 . 2/9/2010
Daughter? Alright more time travel...great job.
| lizardmomma chapter 10 . 2/8/2010
very good job
| lizardmomma chapter 9 . 2/5/2010
very good job, Does Billie really have to be this dumb all the time. I mean I know that she is young and blonde, but come on this takes stupidity to another level.
| lizardmomma chapter 8 . 2/1/2010
very nice work...where did Billie come from?
| lizardmomma chapter 7 . 1/19/2010
very good job
| lizardmomma chapter 6 . 8/25/2009
very good job
| lizardmomma chapter 5 . 7/13/2009
of course that wouldn't have gotten rid of an Immortal that quickly. Oh well, I wonder why they are after Tess, I guess we will just have to wait and see...good job.
| Cancer-Chris chapter 5 . 7/11/2009
Damn, Phoebe needs one of those Auger shells right now...
| cruelflames chapter 4 . 7/1/2009
atually Piper and Leo were in the ghostly plane, not the astral plane... exciting story, can't wait to see where it goes
| Chlollie chapter 4 . 6/29/2009
This is good more soon, I hope Phoebe tells her sisters about being a goddess
| lizardmomma chapter 4 . 6/29/2009
welcome back, Nice work.