Reviews for In My Beginning is My End
milagglad chapter 1 . 11/17/2014
nzuri94 chapter 1 . 7/23/2011
so cruel. so so very cruel. this was an AMAZING one-shot. but honestly, i dont know who she wouldve picked. and that hurts my heart.
Beguile the Sun chapter 1 . 12/26/2010
Wow...worst situation ever. This story was captivating and intense.
ThePhantomPipster chapter 1 . 11/11/2010
Great story! Very well written.
topazforever chapter 1 . 10/18/2010
Is there gonna be another chapter
Hier chapter 1 . 10/7/2010
Hm...I wonder...what happens after...
Tahlia - Rose chapter 1 . 9/19/2010
more please. this was so good and captivating
harleys chapter 1 . 9/7/2010
Wow! Awesome! Poor Bella!
Los Grotos chapter 1 . 5/29/2010
Clever bastard.

Fuck her up from the inside out.
middie4ever chapter 1 . 4/19/2010

i am waiting very patiently and im rumming out of patience

good stuff too
shane chapter 1 . 2/26/2010
i loved it. shame about it only being 1 chapter please make more
xPaige Turnerx chapter 1 . 1/16/2010
:O Oh damn!
v.e.m.l.v chapter 1 . 1/2/2010
This has got to be one of the best O/S I have ever read. Not only is it beautifully written, but the angst is written so well. The last line "So choose" was the perfect way to end the fic. A little part of me dies reading it. Im gonna go dry my tears off and read some fluff now.
Edwardfan1997 chapter 1 . 9/26/2009
Wow! Your right. Poor bella. Choosing between Edward and Alice.
geophf chapter 1 . 9/18/2009
My dearest siDEADde,

How the world turns in the oddest of ways! I go to my blog to find this follower (yourself, ... thank you) to look at one of the blogs you follow (Music Sundays) who recommends this "new" one-shot of Bellice called "In the Beginning is My End."

And I read it.

And the very first sentences capture my heart, squeeze it hard, and don't let it go.

Of course your canonical works are revered, and for good reason, but I think you may have found a new calling. First with your mostly (intentionally) underexplored/unexplored foray into the Charlie/Cullen dynamic with "Lure" (which I reviewed on ramblingsandthoughts) and now this.

Oh, the temptation must have been hard ... mustn't it have? ... given the direction of this writing to go for a silly moment, but your drive was apparent from your first lines. Those first lines where Bella's subtle human cares are so obvious to the vampires present as her eyes move to each vampire that she loves as family.

As family, and ... as so much more.

And the desperation is there. That Bella-desperation that somehow knows that there's no getting out of this, but doesn't know how terribly, terribly terrible it will become.

Your foreshadowing is pitch-perfect, my dear siDEADde.

I don't know what I liked most about this piece. So, so few authors come close to treating the characters with the respect that they deserve. And that respect? To treat them AS_THEY_ARE, not AS_THE_FANS_WISH_THEM_TO_BE. Given Volterra, given Aro, given the cruel, cruel world in which we live, given that there is no deus ex machina, how else could this turn out?

"Oh, but I want my Bella to make it out okay!" we cry.

And you give that to us; you give that to us in spades. Yes, she makes it out "okay." Yes, she gets her wish fulfilled: "Bite me, Alice!" she cries on the desperate airplane ride to end up in this cell. And Alice does, and Bella becomes the Vampire that she always wanted to be.

And there is all of the Volturi. Right there. Waiting. And smiling.

You so gave us the "happy" ending the fans demand with every story. You so respected the canon and the characters, too. You connected the dots, you drew the lines.

You gave us exactly what we, the fans, asked for, but those lines that you drew chorded into a rope, and here we hang, just like a sacrifice to Odinn.

Hm. A sacrifice to the gods ... good way to go, right? Then how come birds are now plucking out our eyes as they taste the salt on our cheeks from the dried tracks of our tears?

But, ah, siDEADde, the way you gave us that noose! To the very last, you kept us ... well, ... hanging. Hoping. Hoping, just like Bella. Hoping beyond hope for some dénouement that has our Edward and our Bella or our Alice and our Bella or all of them walking away, scott free, happily ever after.

And, perhaps, you even give us that sad hope: that Edward and Bella OR Alice and Bella DO walk away, not to their happily ever after, but to their wistful ever after. They may not every everyone, for the terrible choice has "left behind" at least one in the flames of destruction, but at least they have each, and they can mend their wounds and their hurts in the comforts of each other's arms, no?

No. For you know the Volturi, as I do. The triumvirate has existed for three thousand years. Bella's terrible choice is just the first game. There are perhaps more than a few more games they can eke out of our newborn before they tire of her, finally, broken, sniveling, and do to her what, in an alternate reality (called the canon) that they do to that poor pawn caught in a game larger than herself called Bree.

Or maybe an even worse fate waits for our heroine.

They will keep dangling hope in front of our newborn Bella, keep offering smaller and smaller options with more and more terrible consequences until they have finally crushed the one thing she's had, the only thing she's ever had: that hope, that small, small hope that, even though things may not be particularly great for her just now (or just ever) that things could possible get better or that there is a foundational core of goodness to be found somewhere, anywhere, everywhere, if you just look hard enough and if you hope hard enough.

This will be a delight for Aro, a treasure for him to collect: broken Bella. He may even keep her around for a century or few, bringing her out now and again after a feast and just say a word to see the tiny light flickering in her eyes be snuffed out ... again.

"Alice?" He would as of her first, or of her second, choice.

"Oh, I thought you loved Edward ... why did you choose him first [or eventually]?"

Another treasure in Aro's collection ... it makes the flames and oblivion seem so comforting, and so unattainable.

And another thing: your description of the transformation.

Again, dear siDEADde, you shine. There is the temptation in fan fiction to belittle things, given our exposure to these things so often. So the authoress skimps on the description or does not acknowledge (does not even realise) the agony of it. The agony of what? Well, for Alice, that awful pain of taking just a few sips and not a bit more from the perfection of what that lavender and freesia garden offers. Well, for Edward, the dawning realization and helplessness of seeing his sister fall further and further in love with his one and only ever true love, and being powerless to stop it, to help, to do anything but hear those thoughts wash over him. Well, for Jasper, to feel it. To feel it.

Jasper, the empath, feeling that love strengthening between Alice and Bella, feeling the confusion on both their parts turn to a resolution that isn't so surprising, given the feelings they've always had for each other, but here's a question: does an empath feel his own pain through his empathy?

I'm sure Aro is just loving the answer, whichever answer it is.

But then Bella's agony. Of course the transformation "hurts." Of course. I've dealt with that through another's first-hand account (Rosalie's) in my own story ("Rose by a Lemon Tree" ch, "The Soul: the Singer", subchapters "I. Scents, Venom" and "II. Family Time"). But I had hoped that Alice's hugs of comfort, given her coldness (being made of substance a hair above primary material helps sometimes), would help ease the burn just a touch.

It didn't here, and I was surprised at your revelation. No, the coldness HURTS the transformation, the burning married with the iciness of Alice's touch add the FLAMES of dry ice: BURNING HER AS SHE FREEZES.

Ah! siDEADde, stop it! And then you have Bella adding to her list of don't, and the most painful one for her (besides the fact that she is realizing that she is eternal, and tearing her own hair will have permanent consequences. Look at Alice, for goodness sake!) is that she must tell herself "Don't push away the agony that Alice's touch gives, that Alice IS, for Alice is trying to comfort me, and I can't hurt her by pushing her away."

Oh, selfless, selfless Bella! Even in your transformation, where everybody can only think of themselves, even in your agony, you are still putting everybody else ahead of you.

What would happen if you can't do that anymore? What would happen if we turn your selflessness against itself? What would happen if the only options you were given were the options of who you love gets hurt?

What would happen to you if that happened? Would you be you anymore if the only choices you have are choices that are so alien to your nature that to make any of them is anathema? What would happen if the only choices you have are insane? In so choosing an insane path, but being forced to face that YOU are making this choice, what happens to you?

What a fun game for Aro! His next thought after savoring the agony of Bella in her choice can only be this:

Let's play this game with her again!


So we know what Aro's thinking. So we know what happens. All the dots are connected.

So we know this. This is a wonderful piece.

It doesn't stop me from hating it, even as I admire it. It doesn't stop me from hurting inside, contemplating it. It doesn't stop me from wondering, even as I stand in awe that you ... you, in the special way you do things, were able to read these tea leaves from which we all have drunk deeply, ... but only you were able to see the arrangement of the leaves that had this sad, sorrowful, bitter aftertaste. Why did your mind turn this way? Yes, why do all our minds turn this way? For your "In My Beginning is My End" has an even more terrible AU one-shot resolution to my story "My Sister Rosalie" (MSR) called "The Hurt Chair" (as yet unpublished). Why must there be the lion and the lamb in Twilight if it leads to the slaughter and then this silence of the lambs? Why is there beauty if that beauty is the eagle soaring then striking into the sea to pull the hapless fish out of the water (cf. Eclipse)? Why is there truth if the truth hurts (MSR: "This will Hurt - I. Killing Rosalie")?

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know"

Keats ("Ode to a Grecian Urn").

But isn't it more that "Dulce et decorem est pro patria mori"? And not from Horace, but from Owen?

But isn't it more "For Esmé – with Love ..." but not the compassionate love that our Esmé gives us (cf my blog), but the love in "Squalor" that Salinger shows?

Why, siDEADde, did you write this?

I hate this piece. I hate it, it hurts me so much.

I hate it, and I love it. For, even in all this hurt and betrayal and agony, the characters are true to themselves, and true to each other. Even under the pall of hate and cruelty, they still love each other.

They love each other, and I love this piece.

Excellent work, siDEADde.
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