|Reviews for Linkara vs Dr Insano|
| oO chapter 1 . 2/15
| Sirhc Llirrem chapter 1 . 7/12/2010
If you are going to write a story, at least break your sentences into paragraphs because I can't understand what's going on!
| Person 12 chapter 1 . 7/9/2010
I'm not going to say what has already been said, but I have a few suggestions.
Well, it's only one suggestion, but it's a pretty big one: Rewrite the story. Maybe your English and grammar skills have improved since you wrote this, and if you're like me, you'd know that the Linkara vs. Dr. Insano story arc has changed too. There's a lot of stuff you can do now simply because the univerce has evolved so much in the past year.
Mechakara is supposedly coming back alive, There's the Shlumper Brother continuity for Linksano, not to mention there's some new characters you can add to this; Insted of Marzgurl being Linkara's love interest (which, let's be honest, we've all pictured Marzgurl as his girlfriend) you can use Iron Liz, who dosn't have a real personality on the show yet, there's something you can write about. Pollo is a main character now, Harvey Finevoice is much more developed than he was last April, Ninja Style Dancer is an actual character, AND there's this whole Lord Vyce thing going on in AT4W right now, that can be useful!
Or better yet, there's story material all over the place! A story arc just finished where Linkara was gone for a few weeks, leaving the others to host. Where did Linkara go, exactly? What did he encounter, and how did he concor it? That could make for an epic fic by itself, if you learned your mistakes from this one.
If you arn't currently keeping up with Spoony Experiment or AT4W, I suggest you catch up. It's an exciting time for both series right now, and you really can't afford to miss an episode of it.
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/20/2010
Okay. First things first, good job on writing the first fic about Linkara and Dr. Insano. I'm glad that somebody finally wrote one.
However I have to agree on the other three reviewrs.
- The story is a bit hard to understand. You need more background about the fight. Why is Linkara fighting Insano this time? Why is Marzgurl (that's how it's spelled) there and fighting? And where are they? You need a lot more description to make the fic easier to understand and a bit longer as well.
- Dr. Insano wears glasses, not a mask. And (as described in his other videos) Spoony, or Noah, is a completely different personality from Insano. If the glasses are broken it might have been a bit more dramatic if Spoony began fighting but then became overcome by Insano's personality. (This part is more a suggestion in case you wish to rewrite this fic)
- Marzgurl gets hit by a bomb in the stomach when it should have hit her back. Then it says the hole is in her chest. And that's all that is described. Did she die? Did she somehow survive? What happened?
- How does Linkara hold a dead Spoony in one hand? Did he magically become Superman? You should have said: "And a dead Spoony in his other arm." This would have made me visualize it better.
- It seems a bit rushed. It's too short and simple. The text also seems small (but that might just be my screen) and is hard to read. You should also have written another chapter to describe what Linkara does afterwards.
I hope that you will rewrite this fic and hopefully take this advice. I also did not mean to seem rude if that's how it sounds. I just wanted to give you a few pointers.
| Skytail chapter 1 . 6/12/2010
Yeah I have to agree with the other two
Theres no connection to the characters and it just seems rushed I had to stop myself from just glidding over bits of text
Theres no background to this why are Linkara and Dr Insano fighting (this time round) how did Linkara get there why is Marzgirl there where is there anyway?
Theres no atmasphere to the story you could really replace the characters with anyone else and you wouldn't change much.
I felt zero connection to the characters and it seems like (and I know this is fanfiction) you have based the whole story on the reader knowing exactly what is going on.
Also more discription about the who, what,where would be awsome
I think if you just looked over it again and added some explanation, grama, paragaphs and somemore description it could easily be a interesting story
| Racerette chapter 1 . 1/26/2010
I honestly didn't like it. I give you props for writing the first (and so far only) Linkara fan fiction.
The story was just a giant blob of text. It was near impossible to read without getting confused. It needs to be indicated when a character speaks.
Like the reviewer below me said, it seems strage that Insano called Linkara "Lewis". Lewis Lovhaug himself has said that he dosn't really veiw Linkara as a character as much as he does an angrier version of himself, but if you're taking that route, at least call Spoony "Noah" somewhere in the text.
Marzgurl (spelled that way) contributed nothing to the story line. Yeah, I know the bomb attatched itself to her, but in all honesty, I think you could have put the bomb on one of Linkara's favorite comics and it would have had the same effect.
The ending was just cruel. Yes, it is somewhat emotional, but you gave the reader nothing to make us care about these characters. And couldn't you as least put in a second chapter to let us know how linkara ajusted?
This story isn't bad, but I can't say I enjoyed reading it.
| Mika chapter 1 . 7/10/2009
Congrats on being the first Linkara vs. Dr. Insano fanfic writer (that doesn't include Yaoi, anyway )! D
Some things I may suggest:
- “What’s the matter Linkara?” he crackled insanely as he pulled out a blaster. “The world will tremble in fear from my gamma bomb”
There should be a comma between "blaster" and the quotation mark. Putting a period there makes it seem like Linkara said it, since Linkara is mentioned in the next line.
- he broke a part of his mask
He doesn't have a mask, he has goggles. Glasses, really.
- He stared in horror at Spoony, his friend and ally. “That’s right Lewis”
I see you tried doing something "personal" with this line, but it came out weird. Spoony has never referred to Linkara in his videos as "Lewis". But, if you are going down this route, I think it should have been "He stared in horror at Noah, his friend and ally.". Linkara referring to Noah as Spoony, but Noah referring to Linkara as Lewis seems a little odd. It shouldn't be one sided.
- "she also kicked him in the stomach and damaged his kneecap"
I think this need to be re-written. Kicking him in the stomach shouldn't cause ANY damage to a kneecap. "and slammed her foot down on his knee, damaging his kneecap" could be one way of saying it better. (I'm not saying, use that.. It's written in 3 seconds. xD)
- "Mars Girl"
I believe it's one word. MarsGirl.
-He chuckled as it hit Mars Girl in her stomach and attached itself to her.
The fact that Linkara and MarsGirl were running away from Spoony and it hit her stomach doesn't make much sense. Hitting her back would probably make more sense.
-and Mars Girl stood there with a big hole in her chest.
Did she fall down afterwards? There's no mention of anything afterwards so can we assume she just kinda stood there? Needs a little more explanation.
-A very grim Linkara stood there holding a device in one of his hands, and a dead Spoony in the other.
This sentence makes me think Spoony shrunk into a handheld-sized person when he died. "Arms" would be a better word to use there. Or if you want to use hands, try "Dr. Insano's coat" or "goggles".
Keep up the good work. :)