|Reviews for Grim|
| Arktos chapter 1 . 5/5/2009
Now, see, this is what I was talking about when I said fleshing the characters out a bit more. I wish I’d noticed this sooner, it kind of invalidates what I said…except I would still try not relying on the audience knowing this information, but that’s honestly nitpicking.
I'd recommend cutting out 'this story is true' in the first line, and just leaving it at 'when it occurred...', only rearranged around a bit. That, in my mind, makes for an original opening and a good hook for the reader. I really, really like the way the first opening bit there sounds; neatly sums up everything.
Bones to pick with it...umm, maybe slightly smoother transition from the 'reiterating how they got here' to 'what they did on the day 'it' occurred'. Also, remember that a standard paragraph is usually four sentences long, and don't be afraid to combine separate sentences into one! :) Also, I'd recommend tying in the 'Some things are very difficult to explain, especially to a child' comment with what happens...perhaps a good way of doing this would be to hint that since something happened that day. For instance, for the first paragraph or two I would probably go with something like this:
When it occurred, little Isaac was four and his elder sister was nine. The Shepherd family had been living in their house in Virginia for roughly a year, ever since Alex was transferred to an intelligence division of the Army in Washington, DC. Alex and Rebecca had gone fishing for the day, as they often did; Rebecca, always enjoyed sitting on the river with her father.
Isaac Shepherd, however, was too young to go. He was at the stage of development when a child is exceptionally curious and asks many questions about things that are painfully obvious to an adult, yet difficult to explain to the child in question.’
This arranges the sentences without the necessary add-ons; remember, try to recount these events with as few superficial words as you can, to make it easier on the reader to follow the action.
Final closing advice would be to focus on Elle’s thoughts a bit more; you have a good, solid beginning, but reworking bits based on what I said before and adding in a few more key details wouldn’t hurt. Also, remember that most of what the readers know about these characters is based on what they saw during the events in Silent Hill…you can choose to make this the proverbial dark cloud over their heads, or a distant but fearful memory. Regardless, focusing on that point of view will make it easier for the readers to ‘accept’ Elle and Alex as they are in the story, because there’s an apparent connection between them and the characters we know and love :)
| jeanixx chapter 1 . 4/20/2009
I have no words to describe how absolutely amazing and wonderfully creepy this is. I could ramble on for hours about the atmosphere you settled, the narrating, the characters and how they stayed true to their personalities. I so picture Alex being over protective with his family since he didn’t have much of a family to care about him in the past. Th whole time I read this, my mouth was open. And, owwn, Beatles. I still go to sleep listening to them. D
‘because she knew if she answered that there could be ghoulies or ghosties in the woods that little Isaac would not go looking for them…unlike his sister who relished the thought of being attacked by an otherworldly creature. ‘
yup. Love Rebecca. Can’t wait to read more about her \o/
Thank you for posting this. It really made my day. *hugs*
| WindyWildWolf chapter 1 . 4/19/2009
Beautiful work. I really enjoyed this. Your sense of pace and your writing is magnificent. Please keep it up :)