|Reviews for Secrets Revealed|
| Disgusted person chapter 1 . 7/1/2009
| Dulcie McKinley chapter 1 . 6/3/2009
Firstly, this isn't too bad for a first attempt... snaps for actually having the courage to post your writing! That's always a difficult first step for a writer.
However, I do have to say this is a little ploddy. Please be aware that my critiscm is not meant to cause offence, only to help to improve your skills. I remember what it was like to start out.
The story starts off with a good writing sense, well descripted etc. but after the first few lines... as a reader I become almost bored. There are too many characters in the scene which confuses the reader- especially with anime names! And it's just generally too repetative and difficult to follow. There is no real storyline until we come to the narrative about the twins later on.
The section you have written about the incest twins really doesn't do the subject any justice. It was a brave idea with a really snappy individual name- very clever indeed. But the way you've written and describe the relationship between them is almost childish. This isn't how passionate sex really happens in real life. You need to become more aware of this, maybe talk it over with friends or experienced aqquaintances... because if you don't capture the voice of a sexual fantasy, it ruins the atmosphere for the reader and just becomes comedic. I'm sure you've had experience of intimate relationships with a partner or lover, so try and remember and imagine what it was like to be with them, to kiss them and entwine with them. Try to avoid using blunt words like 'cock' as well- romanticism and flowing description is the key to a reader's interest.
Well done on a first attempt, but you really need to get in some practice... because otherwise people will disregard your writing for childish wordplay.
| mickey kity chapter 1 . 4/25/2009
could you separate your paragraps in the next chapter? It was hard to read but other ways thuis was a fun story.
| The Cat With the Green Scarf chapter 1 . 4/24/2009
OMG Ashleigh! (Or Aidria - whichever :P) Your very first fanfic. I'm so proud, sob sob.
Now we both know twincest REALLY isn't my thing. Understatement of the century! And it was kind of weird because I know you and everything but...
I'm glad I lasted the wait! Wo!
And Hunny win, btw :D
Nii-chan, yous gots tos updates soons!