|Reviews for Memento|
| craig mills chapter 3 . 12/19/2013
Only on chapter 3 and I feel I need to say please slow down this story seems to be going at a million miles an hour and its very confusing your story is great but if you slow down and take your time it would be much much better
| machievelli chapter 1 . 11/25/2013
Posted 24 November 2013, at the Starwarsknights web site and the Lucasforums Coruscant Entertainment Center in my The Critic's Two Cents. I was posting directly to the actual story threads, but had problems last year so I was stymied in my attempts to post the reviews. But I have finally caught up.
KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The attack on the ship over Taris
The writing is confusing from the start. You left out some words. As an example Leviathan was the cause of (the) hyperspace cut off. The exterior battle is confusing because while the assault shuttles breakthrough the snub fighters sights makes sense, it is confusing to a reader. It would have been better to say that since Leviathan had more fighters, the Republic fighters were too busy to stop the shuttles from breaking through.
Then paragraph three seems to go back to when Revan was captured, since there is no way the Sith would know he or she was aboard the Endar Spire. It should be moved down to the section where you have Bastila boarding Revan's ship.
The section where she spends a week as a captive was even more confusing because you have her remembering what had happened to Revan in the middle without a break to explain to the reader that the scene has shifted. It might be, as I have noticed, that the fanfiction site removes most usual ways a writer might make such a division, but there is no space where such might have been.
Technical note Ship classes: Leviathan is described in the canon as a cruiser. While her armament is greater than her opponent, it is not the difference you describe.
The best description in history that comes to mind would be if USS Olympia, the flagship of the American Asiatic Fleet at the Battle of Manila bay with her modern 20cm guns and armor had fought one on one with the Spanish flagship Riena Christina 16 cm guns and no armor.
Technical note boarding actions: In a space to space battle, while your marines will be ready to assault board at the airlocks and landing bays, it will not be your main thrust. If you read my own Return from Exile, you will note that to stop the HK50 unit from following her, my exile jammed open the exterior door of the airlock. The way an airlock works is you equalize the pressure between the lock and the exterior, open it, close the door, and then equalize the airlock with the interior.
If either door is jammed open, you are unable to move the hatch. In the case of HK above, he's dealing with a lot of pressure. 14.7 lbs, or about 65.4 N per square inch. Measure the door to your room, multiply it's height by it's width in inches, then multiply by 14.7. The result is the amount of weight you are trying to move by hand.
But both landing bays and airlocks have another problem for an attacker. They are chokepoints or killing fields. Either the enemy has to enter on a narrow front, or they are in the open and can be attacked from everywhere around them. While they used this in ROTS when Anakin and Obi-Wan boarded the enemy flagship, the primary reason it worked was the writers were on their side. The bays should have been closed, or enough security to deal with an assault boarding should have been there.
In ANH they used the airlock, but as I pointed out in an article back in April 2006 over at Lucasforums LucasForums Network Knights of the Old Republic Community Coruscant Entertainment Centre The Resource Centre #11 Boarding Actions; The Few, the Proud; the assault didn't hit just that one airlock. The advantage they had was that they had boarding tubes attached to the lock, so the pressure is equalized. The hatch was blown to stun and confuse the enemy when they boarded.
Again, referring to my Return From Exile, you will note that she boarded the enemy ship by instead ramming then blowing off the armored cap on her bow, allowing her men to board where ever they could find enough space to ram in. While it has the idea that you can choose where to hit, it does have a flaw, it's not like you have bow caps up the wazoo when you go on to your next target. In the Tenchi Muyo GXP series the pirate used the second option, ramming in, but having the assault ship seal itself to the hull, and then open a ramp or tube.
But one of the best I have seen is a scene in the Book Honor of the Queen By David Weber where it's the Marines who designed the equipment. They used emergency portable airlocks (Nothing more than a very heavy duty plastic bundle with a basic airlock built into it. You plant the breaching charge, marking an area large enough for a man in powered armor to pass through without too much difficulty, seal the portable lock around it, then trigger the charge. It blows into the ship, and the escaping air fills the airlock you have attached. You then send your men through it, and they are now in the ship and most of the air is still there.
My suggestions are as follows; first, sight edit and reread to make sure you didn't forget words. This is not a major ding, as I sometimes will do the same when a story is flowing well. As you do, polish the scenes. The mention above about the fighters is an example. Picture a story as a section of a river, and what you want the reader to do is merely float along watching the scenery. You have it so choppy, it's more like rapids. Again, I sometimes do this.
Last, experiment until you can find a way to break the scenes that the site doesn't remove. I am still doing this, but patience is a virtue.
| Dr. Guruslav chapter 12 . 3/3/2011
I am somewhat surprised that this story only has two reviews, for I see no reason for it. I've read it and I've enjoyed it immensely.
| That's my Mango chapter 5 . 4/29/2009
Nice chapter, but I I hate the sand people Czerka should of blowen it up in the game, lol
of course they didn't have the weapons and stuff liek that, but that would be funny...kind of
| That's my Mango chapter 1 . 4/25/2009
nice start I'll keep reading