|Reviews for White Dog Sector, Dusk at Dawn|
| coolnamegoeshere chapter 1 . 7/3/2012
Surprise! Someone actually gets to review your story!
To be honest, I thought you wrote about the entire 'Chapter X' multiplayer segment, but reading your other stories... proved to me you just wanted to go your own way. XD Did you plan on actually continuing where you left off with the whole series or did something happen to make you stop? Ah well, whatever the case... you pretty much inspired me to start writing a story.
| Twilight Vestige chapter 1 . 7/18/2009
Not bad, not bad at all. :)
Entertaining dialogue, nice descriptions.
Hawki hit the nail on the head what with grammar and all, so I won't get into that.
The only gripe I have is this:
"the Sarge (previously known as the Captain)"
Technically, if he was a Captain and then became a Sarge (a.k.a. Sergeant), he was demoted. O.o
If anything he should be a Corporal being promoted to Sergeant.
Just saying. XD
Good job. :)
| Hawki chapter 1 . 7/14/2009
-Probably isn't news to you, but the allignment of this fic seems a bit off. If it is intentional, I'd recomend going back to a more traditional writing allignment (e.g. left allignment for Microsoft Word).
-...something about a General with fancy medals and his country being indebted to him.
Heh, nice reference. Well placed.
-"20 yards till we hit shore!",
I may be wrong, but I think it's a general rule of writing that any number consisting of less than three digits is written as a word rather than in digit form-"twenty" in this case rather than "20." Also, the comma isn't needed after the exclamation mark.
...the Captain grabbed Dusk and hauled him overboard.
Half a moment later the boat was disintegrated in an explosion that rocked Dusks‘ senses.
Bit redundant with "Dusk" being used in one sentence after another and beginning the next paragraph with the same word. Referring to him with alternate terms such as "the squirrel" or by his rank is good for avoiding such repetition.
“Greyfur here Captain, what are we gonna do?” a big burly Squirrel asked the Captain
Well maybe they should look for the missing full stop at the end of the sentence. :) The problem is repeated a few more times after this also.
-"Nutt sir” came the reply
Comma is missing in this case also.
“I do sir.” squeaked Dusk.
Should be a comma instead of a full stop after sir.
-Suffice to say, the issue of grammar is continued reguarly after this. The sub-headings don't really help matters either.
Overall it's a good story, especially for the first one you posted. However, I'm afraid the punctuation errors were rather glaring and it had a bit of a stop-start feel to it towards the end.