|Reviews for Under the Umbrella|
| Fireminer chapter 1 . 5/31/2014
Tutut. Good job!
| Kyro-Dizzy chapter 1 . 2/19/2012
Sorry for doubling here. I thought my last comment sounded a little harsh. I really liked this. After reading "Do Angels Have Tails," I realized this wasn't half as bad with that. I still feel the same way, though. I agree with the other comments here. Good flow, errors here and there, and the like. Don't bother writing about my love story, though. That's one of my next projects. With all that said, au revoir. (I'm not French, ha ha.)
| Kyro-Dizzy chapter 1 . 2/19/2012
Very good! But you and everyone else need to learn that Dizzy belongs to ME!
| gaby chapter 1 . 8/3/2010
| layniebleargh chapter 1 . 5/21/2010
At long last... I finally read the fic.
Well, all I can say is that it is one of those "just right" fics - not having too much of an element nor too less. With some minor editing (watch your grammar and tenses) this fic may turn out better than it is. Also, like the other readers (and reviewers), I applaud your flow. You have the talent to make the story move without disruptions. Keep up the good work.
Watch the beginning of the story. It is not that it is weak, I just think that it could be more interesting, making the readers more intrigued. There are really good fics out there just like yours that don't get much hits because of the starting sentence/s.
Also, you could improve the "total packaging" of your fic by removing unnecessary partitions. For example, you could have glued together parts 1 and 2 instead of separating them. The 'epilogue' and 'prologue' (the words) could also be omitted - actually, from what I could see, they are not epilogue and prologue at all. You could just put Dizzy writing a letter, do a line break, put the entire flashback, do another line break, then go back to the letter-writing.
Well, there you go. An unusually long review from me. 3
| llyonz chapter 1 . 11/4/2009
good start and nice sequencing. there are parts with wrong grammar though. think about it this way: Dizzy's writing to May about something that has already happened. So, write in the past tense.
| Kenanners chapter 1 . 10/30/2009
Alright, I shall review your story! Don't I review almost all of your stories Dancel? Heh, I'm gonna make that a hobby of mine.
Okay, I'll start with your dialog. I really liked what you had going as it never got in the way. It wouldn't jump out in the midst of a sentence and it most certainly didn't rip apart the story! You've got the skills, thats for sure, to become an actual author if you just learned a little more. But with the dialog, did come a problem. (And it wasn't the way you used the words.) The problem I saw in several sentences (more like the ending of a character's speech.), was that you forgot periods. It isn't truly serious but it became frequent after a while. This can be fixed, however.
Next up, I'll want to talk about the characters' (Ky and Dizzy) personalites. Ky and Dizzy were well shown and you struck gold with the holy man. He seems exceedingly correct about his views on pride and honor and it is seen throughout the entire story. It was also fantastic as you made him unconsciously flirt with Dizzy by using subtle things such as the 'commands' or holding Dizzy and running/wading as they went through the heavy rain. I liked Dizzy as well as the fear of the certain thunder strike shows her childish behavior because of her rather strange, young age. Her shyness and innocence also fits her style as well. But, the thing I didn't like (And confused me) was how she could hide her wings and tail. How come this could happen all of a sudden? I've seen other authors do the same thing with the hiding but I've never seen it explained nor mentioned in the true plot of the game. You explained it as 'magic' but it couldn't hurt to do a short explaination on such a thing.
I guess I could point out the random things now... The 'weight' question was quite humorous as it does take a peek into Dizzy's feminine side and also explains Ky's poor physical weight. (Even on the game, he looks very skinny.) The hedge maze for me, was the story's weak point. It had absolutely no explaination on what happened there and what exactly they did. It was just skipped.
*Cough* *Cough* Well, I'll let you get back to whatever that it is you're doing... (Probably typing more KyxDizzy I hope...) And I want to keep looking at your stories! They are all excellent in my book!
| Animefan8488 chapter 1 . 7/4/2009
Overall that was a great Ky/Dizzy oneshot. Was a tease that you did not make them do anything (kissing, saying "I Love you", etc), but was certainly refreshing in that many oneshots do that. I certainly imagined this kind of situation happening after their endings in AC, as Ky was noted in the game and in your fic to be serious in his business and work to help Dizzy. I have a few issues with this great piece of work however. One major issue was that you kept on going from a past to present to future tense, all in one paragraph, vice versa. This made it somewhat difficult to follow the story's flow. (Ex. "Hiding her Gear attributes did not reduce her body mass. She wanted to explain it to Ky, but she herself didn't understand how it worked exactly.") (These verb changes are all in the same tense, and would have made it easier to follow.) Anyways, a good overall fic and I will look forward to more Ky/Dizzy stories from you. (Btw this is Thunder88 from youtube, you replied to a couple of my posts on some Ky and Dizzy vids.) Ky/Dizzy FTW!
| xXxBloodyPrincess01xXx chapter 1 . 6/13/2009
This story was cute, by the way, my name is Pikachu407, but you may call me Sora. I really thought that your story was good and romantic. You did an awesome job with this story. Hope that you made it safely home when you were out in the rain without an umbrella. Gotta go, the batteries for my iPod is running out. (Im using my iPod to leave you this comment.) See ya!
| BanditRyu chapter 1 . 6/8/2009
I liked it. I also have spent days getting caught in the rain.
Very good job
| christine pagador chapter 1 . 6/6/2009
haha..nakakatuwa naman nung story. kung inaakala mong ndi ito romantic? sa akin romantic siya.
nakakatuwa nga eh...lalu na yung part pauwi na sila kung saan. nakatulong yung every detail. na-iimagine ko lahat ng scene at alam kong na-imagine mo yun (malamang).
maganda yung pagkaka-segway ng bawat scenes. haha.. parang gusto ko na tuloy sumali sa love pairing nila!
looking forward sa next episode(?). (:
P.S. dancel: haha...ang adik mo talaga. gusto kitang makita. ingat palagi. at good luck sa atin sa college.:)
| GottvonHoff chapter 1 . 5/26/2009
Ky and Dizzy on a date? Now that is something I really want to see from Mr. Ishiwatari himself! I see that you've improved on your writing skills. Good job!
I believe that anybody's "first date" usually turns out awkward. But I think that this one-shot confirms that! I mean, I can't imagine talking about my body weight, during a date. Hehehehe
Oh man, how I wish I had a girlfriend...
Anyways, another nice fanfic coming from you! Kudos! Keep it up!
| Zeronova chapter 1 . 5/19/2009
I've gotta hand you one thing: You do have flow. That's the biggest thing that makes this story work. It has a charm and flow to it that propels it forward; a certain momentum that doesn't feel forced, but is still recognizable enough in its cliche and cheesiness to work. In that respect, yes, the story is derivative, but...it's got a good sense to it. But, it's not without flaw.
For starters, your English is very good for a foreigner. But, it is not perfect. You must must MUST stay in the same verb tense when narrating. This is absolutely key! It's a simple fix, but it detracts from the flow of your story when the words stick out.
I like how you use the characters' pasts to define who they are. Your characterization of Dizzy as being chlidish and close knit with the Pirates is perfect, and Ky being a reserved, oficial gentlemen who still remembers the war is equally good. So many 'fics forget Ky was a soldier, a brutal soldier, but you do a good job of showing that it is hidden within Ky. The only problem is that Ky isn't a boy; he's at least 21 in your story (GGX2 AC storyline), and considering he led the victory of the Crusades and was a detective, I bet he's not very effeminate in his looks. He may be blond, cute Ky, but he's probably scarred, burned, and absolutely lean underneath his robes. Just a nitpick. And, Ky's first date ever? Yeah, right...
Some grammar things: an object cannot possess something. "Its" is the correct word to use, not "it's". It's means "it is". Emerald is green, not blue. There's a lot of other grammar things, but honestly, it's not worth worrying about.
It was a sweet little one-shot. It had a great sense of flow, it wasn't melodramatic or over-the-top. It had a firm sense of the GG world, history, and realities (Dizzy would NOT want to be seen, and the story understood this implicitly). I really liked the way you ended it, with Dizzy scribbling out the last few words.
You're a bit of an anomaly of an author, Danceljoy. On one hand, your narrative style is very effective, clean, smooth, and forward. You don't waste words and you describe things tersely and effectively. The story flows very well, has momentum, and is down-to-earth enough without being saccharine or melodramatic. You know scale and place, without going overboard. These are wonderful qualities. These are actually rare qualities, so a lotta brownie points to you.
On the bad hand, your narrative is riddled with grammatical errors. Truthfully, none of these hurt your story in the least (which is weird, honestly). To see your story is still strong, despite the consistent verb tense errors, is proof that you're talented. A few more years of English and writing, and you will be a force to reckon with. Just look out to keep your verbs in check. Your ability to play with the narrative style by interspersing free indirect discourse format character thoughts into an omniscient third person narrative, switching from a letter to the story, as well as keeping characters' thoughts and reactions uncluttered is a great compliment of your skill. So, it is weird to see your verb errors when you so deftly weave narrative techniques. Alas, just keep proof-reading and learning!
With that, good job, and keep writing!
| Traingham chapter 1 . 5/18/2009
I usually don't read many of the fics in this section, but for some reason this just piqued my interest. Reading it from the beginning, I could already tell that the story would have a bit of charm and it came in pleasant amounts.
Well, nice one-shot.
It does make me wonder though...I haven't played Overture yet so I wouldn't know, but how does Sol feel knowing that his rival ended up marrying his daughter?
Assuming that this woman from 'The Grove' in, indeed, Dizzy. That was originally her stage anyway.
Ah, dammit. This isn't even a review anymore.
| Dizzy-Kiske chapter 1 . 5/18/2009
I really like how you captured Ky's maturity in this story _ I really admire your writing style too! I look forward to seeing more stories from you, even if they are one-shots!