|Reviews for No More Heroes: Assassin Nation|
| miaandB chapter 7 . 7/5/2012
would love to read more
| sara t. fontanini chapter 7 . 8/10/2010
hmmm...what can I say? Well, I have a similar idea more or less...anyway...
I find that the beginning was very good, and I felt it could possibly even occur as a real boss fight in the actual games. However, later chapters REALLY slowed it down in my opinion. After all, No More Heroes is known for its fast paced, awesome battles. It is nice that you're spending time to develop your characters but it kinda...well...it doesn't seem to 'suit' a fic based around NMH. I really hate to criticise here, but that's just how I see things.
Your chapter focusing on Sylvia confused me, since it didn't seem to be conencted to the main plot. I do hope she enters into the story as a central or at least side character eventually, but...her appearance so far seems arbitrary and unnesecarry.
And, as another reviewer eloquently asked, will you be bringing Travis Touchdown into the story at some point? I mean, he IS the series protaganist after all... I'm not saying I don't like Asuka...I just like Travis more...sorry if that seems mean-spirited towards your character...
I apologise for my critisicms and hoe I didn't ruin your day, and please, keep it up! I wanna see what happens with Alamo...
Oh, and if you need ideas for assassins, let me know, and I cna maybe help (though I doubt it, since I'm sure you said you ahve a good idea on who'll be appearing)
| Jet Set Yoyo chapter 5 . 3/18/2010
This is David Hatter from Gaia,
I've never played the game before but this seems like an interesting alternate so I'm curious now.
The only flaw I could see was that you tend to start your sentences with the same word a lot. It gets very repetitive in that manner but it's something easily fixable without having to change the story. Just rearrange your sentences a little so that you can avoid using the same word to start a sentence more than twice in a paragraph.
What I did like, however, was the visuals in all the chapters. There was enough information to give me a clear picture of the characters' surroundings. Also, since you implemented your own characters but didn't go into a whole lot of detail when you wrote about them, it was good to include that chapter of extra little info along with the rest of it. Lastly, I liked the little Charlie's Angels reference in there, it was pretty funny.
Overall it's rather good.
| Evan Ames chapter 4 . 2/4/2010
This story is badass! I liked the part when the geek's lightsaber failed and then they got massacared that had me luaghing, And the fights were awsome it was like poetry in the form of strong violence and language. Please make chapter 5 soon, oh one more thing; are you putting travis touchdown in the story?
| DeleteDogofFoxhoundHePeedHere chapter 2 . 11/5/2009
Now, this story has a lot of potential. The female character/protagonist is not too strong and not too weak, the supporting characters aren't over the top yet not the same, the villains aren't blatantly introduced, and I'm still wondering where the plot's going. Your sentences could be bigger, more paragraphs maybe, and the dialogue - well, NMH did use a lot of vulgairty in its script, and I'm not saying you overdid it, but I'd recommend avoiding having some scream "FUCK" every chapter.
I don't like Rei's character already, if you're shooting for a serious storyline (on the level of DS or more), she seems like an antsy character:
"'Fuck you!' Rei snapped."
I trust that the full extent of her relationship with Asuka will be clarified on later - But if the characters are already fighting during the "getaway", the problems are only starting. They should be handling this professionally, professionally or sarcastically, don't you think?
You know, I would suggest you fuse chapters two and three. Neither seem to really go anywhere, their purpose is to set up this next confrontation with the "Shinigami"...
(I know this is nitpicking, but it brings up a small Americanization-Japanized stereotype I've been fuming on - the use of of an Asian/Japanese figure, symbol, or mythological creature at the beginning of a story is just way too cliche. I mean, immediately, people seek to make an enemy terrifying by making them resemble a dragon or some kind of specially-named demon or samurai or make it have Dragon or Royal Flame or some typical in its name. Your character just randomly encounters a Shinigami which, although I'm not using Bleach or DeathNote as permanent examples, is something honorably related to Death. It just sounds cliche, and a bit too unbelieveable. You know how you feel when you're on an RPG forum and someone posts a picture of some recolored anime picture to "represent" what they think their character should look like? Yeah, this whole Japanized enemy thing is the same kind of feeling. And I mean...Shinigami in Texas? An Oni mask? Consdiering the nature of NMH, it seems the Japanizing is a bit over the top)
...and the last two chapters are just random conversations and background observations for the reader. Now, if you're one of those who want reviews before the next chapter, I understand this because I really feel dilapidated when I write two or three long chapters to a story and all I'm getting is favorites or subscriptions. I know there's something wrong with it and I want to get as much feedback as possible.
But if you want to keep the reader's attention, my attention for one, you might want to try keeping a balance between long chapters and short chapters (really, I'd avoid short chapters all together. Fanfiction net doesn't have a good page setup really) and then making sure you don't drag on with "conversation" chapters like you are now.
You really surprised me when I read this, because of that disclaimer - which I assumed you would continue to update - and the first chapter contained not only believable action and interesting additions to established NMH themes, but you even traveled down a lane of humor - the cell phone light saber thing, and the two "Jedi" nerds. I mean really, that had me laughing, because I thought of the game Mad World if you've ever played it, and I contrasted how Mad World had over the top bosses who achieved ranks by amount of kills, and how NMH had assassins like Bad Girl and Harvey who seem like ordinary people who wouldn't be as high up as they are. But Jedi nerds? Being in the UAA? That's great material!
You had that entire action-packed chapter (which could have been longer, but for an introduction it was acceptable) and then you slwoed it down to include these two slouching chapters that you used to define your characters.
(Another nit-pick on the Japanization thing. If you've ever watched YuGiOh 5D's, there are characters with some pretty ridiculous names. Jack Atlas? Considering the location he's in, it sounds preposterous. Your character is in the Texan league,
Well, the two girls make think of Project A-Ko. I'll buy it. Sideburns, in comparison to a last name like "Touchdown", is good too. Its not TOO much. If they were honestly Japanese-American, then by all means they are. But I think when I see this kind of thing, its the author following the general Japanization concept - having any character with an Asian-sounding name immediately appeals to readers/viewers more than a name like "Joe Shifter" or "Mike Lorane" or "Lewey Spaw" or "Jennifer Badrow" does. I think this name usage is a bit too generic, a bit too commonplace.
And then there are the "alias".
Again, the Japanization seems a bit unecessary. Travis doesn't use a specific alias, although Death Metal gives him "Holy Sword" and Nathan Copeland dubs him "The Crownless King". But NMH's style isn't based in the concept of the assassin's identity, a name as showy-sounding as that perturbs me.)
Now, I guess the last I have to wonder is that if you find an equilibrium between action chapters and keeping backstory chapters contained, is how you'll handle flashbacks. I've noticed how Asuka seems to be incredibly in touch with being an Assassin of the UAA. But even being J-A, how does she end up in the Texas League? Is their a twist ending or part of the story where she ends up meeting with one of the original NMH assassins like Peace or Bad Girl? Why are their Alias censored.
And at the same time, I hope you don't reveal their entire past at once. Sprinkle the details as you go along.
(I stand by what I said, I really hope you find a way to fuse the second and third chapters and just move to action or a different engagement in the next chapter)
Good luck with your story, always.
PS - UP. DATE. MORE.
| Phillips chapter 2 . 10/26/2009
Okay, I'm curious.
This zanpukato? Is it similar to the katana, just with different terminology?
In which case, the "three protrusions" are...? Which Beam Katana model from the game would you say it resembles the most, just so that I can get a base idea.
| supersonic456 chapter 3 . 9/19/2009
good story. please update