|Reviews for Shining In Random Locations|
| Martin III chapter 1 . 8/19/2009
Okay, first of all, this needs to be broken up into chapters. Ten thousand words is really the most you want to put into a single chapter. I'm guessing that's the main reason why you haven't gotten any reviews up till now.
Anyway, this is a pretty satisfying heroic adventure fic. We've needed some Shining in the Darkness fanfic for quite some time, and it's great that you and Demonic Weasel are providing us some. (I have plans for one of my own, but with other stories to write first, it'll be a while before I get to it.)
The trouble is: Why did you write this as a play? I can't believe anyone would buy the rights to do a SitD-based play when the story could as easily have been presented as all original. So why put your story in a format that is so tedious and confusing to read?
This is especially frustrating to me because the story is so good. Straightforward, yes, and lacking in explanation for several plot elements(e. did Dark Zool come from), but the adventure is lively enough, unpredictable enough, and coated with enough comic relief that this would be a very entertaining read if it were in prose format.
And the characters are excellent. Braska, Lawrence, and Hyjnir are instantly characterized to a lifelike extent, and I found myself immediately interested in their adventure, in spite of not yet knowing what it was. They're all sympathetic and amusing in their own ways(though Hyjnir could use a pronounceable name...). Tuffy was decently developed as well, and I enjoyed the way you gradually unveiled her history over the course of the tale. In fact, nearly all the characters felt like they had a background and reason to be involved in the plot, even if it wasn't fully explained. That's important to a fic of this sort.
Besides the problems with the play format, you've got a TON of errors. Believe it or not, the following list is just a tiny sample of all the errors I noticed: "Saved tour hide boss," "struggling to get of the wagon," "We sew HYJNIR chasing", "Were lost," "BRASKA turn around", "pours it's content into"(double typo!), "BRASKA looks far of in the distance", "As night lays it's palms over", "the clear stared sky," "You think well find the princess?", "all the stars have diapered,"(LOL) "But far to many times", "Your prey has now where to escape, "over the village buzztling with people," "the labyrinths dark tunnels," "seems a ill has gotten hold of me."(double typo!), "raising his cup a inch of the table."(double typo!), "VIK runs of", "Well be off as soon as he arrives," "Even the kings knights does not enter."(double typo!), "BRASKA and HYJNIR curiously looks at LAWRENCE," "Well, lets be of to the labyrinth", and "the kings royal court."
So, that's about it. Hope that you'll pen more stories for this section!