|Reviews for Ordinarily Extraordinary|
| Lol4dead chapter 13 . 7/9/2011
AND THEN IT DIED.
| NatOreN chapter 12 . 8/5/2010
Hey, there. Trying to pump up my activity here and thought I'd catch up with your story to begin with.
Anyway, I think this chapter is a nice little shot-in to get some personal info on Peter, definitely. Although the backstory feels a little generic and cliche, it's nothing major and I see no real problems with it. Can't have an epic war story without some backstory drama, right? ;)
Errors are relatively few, most of them typos or pieces of text you forgot to edit out after changing your mind on the wording, I assume. One error confused me a bit, though. When Peter continues after trailing off when answering Welkin's question, the... "line-up" is a bit off, making me think it was Welkin speaking and not Peter. You might want to edit that to avoid further confusion.
But, overall, I'm liking this chapter despite the short content and lack of action. It's a nice insight into Peter's character.
| DC20 chapter 13 . 6/15/2010
Chapter length can be tricky. My thought is that a chapter goes until it ends (if that makes any sense). As long as the scene is still going, and there isn't really a good place to put a stop, keep it one chapter. However, once you start hitting 14 to 15k words you should start actively looking for a place to break. If you can't find or don't have one, obviously keep going. A 20k word chapter isn't wrong. However, if you CAN break for a shorter chapter, you might want to (and just release chapters more often instead of in bulk). I saw four potential breaks for this chapter - though I think making three chapters out of it would have been the best option (chapter 1: beginning to the part where everyone leaves the party after Varrot's radio message. Chapter 2: from the message to the first roadblock ambush. Chapter 3: from that first ambush to the end). I'd keep it as is for now, though, since it's already out. Just keep that in mind for next time.
The spelling was spot on, but make sure you actually read through the chapter first - there were a number of tense changes (past to present... just pick one and stick with it), and every so often a word was missing (most noticeably once before one of Claudia's lines, where her name is missing from the sentence that's supposed to be identifying her as the speaker). As a very minor point, there were one or two redundancies (the armed men were armed with...) but there were few instances of that and it didn't take anything noticeable away. Just make sure to vary your word choices, especially looking at what words you start and end sentences with in relation to what the sentences immediately before or after start and end with.
I really liked this chapter though (probably my favorite so far) - this story has definitely gotten better now that the Squad members (and a wider variety of them) are getting more time in the fic, and even have their own scenes with other characters. Really liked the interactions between Jane and Coby. I know an old man who runs his mouth just like that, so seeing Coby written as he was felt pretty natural.
Speaking of Coby... language use in dialogue. As someone who, for better or worse (assuredly worse), swears more than he breathes, I can tell you that how you write out the words can actually change the interpretations of them. For example, you use both "God damn" and "Goddamn" (along with God damn it). All of these are correct. However, "God damn" is the more formal (well... for lack of a better description) of the two, while the latter is the slang (what you would use in a friendly conversation with a buddy, or at least less... formally). Same with "damn it" and "dammit" (although NEVER "damnit"). The most important though is the holy grail - the difference between fucking and fuckin'. The former has a lot more power to it, but takes that much more effort to actually say. The latter, on the other hand, is more of the relaxed version - used in casual conversation and such. As an example, early on in the chapter Noce warns Pete that he's about to cross a - line. As he's on a roll here and he's chatting with an old friend, the -in' variant might feel more natural. Same with Coby's interrogation - "...now answer my -in' question!" The last one, though (...blow the whole -ing car in one shot) was well played. The 'ing' ending there was perfect.
Then again, that's all optional pick up - there are a lot of writers who stick with 'ing' (and some who prefer avoiding slang spellings altogether), and they aren't wrong. It's writing preference in the end. However, as the characters are all soldiers - and soldiers have quite... extensive vocabularies - I figured at least an awareness couldn't hurt. I've got plenty of characters left in my review limit to burn anyway haha
I will say that, while overall the dialogue was very good, there were one or two places it felt jarringly wooden - specifically when Alicia was recounting her chat with the princess and says, "The princess was affected by him." That just sounds a bit awkwardly phrased, especially considering the word "affected" was used within only a few sentences (outside of dialogue) before that.
Again though, definitely my favorite chapter from you so far. I loved seeing more of the characters, and I hope to see even more new 7s (and, of course, a bunch of the ones you've already put in returning) in the coming chapters. Keep it up. I'm enjoying this story more and more by the update. Just make sure you actually read through before you post (and I'll admit... when you hit 20k words it's REALLY tough to go through and do that. I've skimped out myself at times :( do as I say though, not as I do!).
| Snowman23 chapter 13 . 6/13/2010
Wow, that was long, but once I saw the one fic that I was looking forward to reading for so long, I sat down and said I wouldn't move until I was finished reading it.
All I can say is AWESOME! All of it. Thanks for the references to my fanfic with Claudia. It's now that I realize how lame "Ports Water" was to name a town :P, but you made it work by expanding on that. Yeah I also imagined a lake or riverside town/city with lots of docks and such.
But there were afew mistakes, but for how long it was, it was awesome to see so few mistakes in such a LONG chapter.
The most noticable was when you said that Claudia had pouches and her backpack with her when she was helping Wavy and the other injured near the end. But you said when she arrived that her pouches and backpack were absent and she looked like a lightly armed scout.
| Unicorns on Acid chapter 1 . 4/15/2010
Hmm, after reading your Marcelina reviews, I decided to check this out. I really like how you characterize the canon characters (Susie in particular, her personality really shines in her interactions with Peter), but Peter himself seems to be rather generic - so far there isn't much that makes him stick out. I also found how you phrased some of the description to be very awkward. In some places, there were periods where I, personally, would have used commas, since a full stop wouldn't feel right when reading the story out loud. I think that you also spelt Alicia's last name wrong (Melchiott, not Malchiott) but the text is so small on my SDTV; I could be incorrect! I'll be sure to check out the rest of the chapters soon, when I have free time. C:
| vc lover chapter 12 . 4/5/2010
Excellent story, good OC's the thing I like the most is how that town watchman finally gets a name and a story. Great star wars reference, but I did not like how you killed off Dorothy.
| Snowman23 chapter 12 . 4/2/2010
Alright chapter, nothing too major happened really. Alittle insight into Peter's past was pretty good. Thought his whole explanation was jammed into what seemed like 1 breath, could of had afew splits, paragraphs here and there to make it flow more nicely.
Haha, the Claudia bit was a cute touch, was pretty slight though. Hopefully there will be more ClaudiaPeter interaction or signs that ones falling for the other... *jealous* Claudia is just TOO darn cute for words. That voice, that clumsiness, and her poor down on her luck attitude.
Please update, I wanna see what happens, wonder what Susie's input will be if she knows Peter or Claudia might have a crush on the other...
| NatOreN chapter 10 . 3/8/2010
Wow... Just, wow! This chapter was bloody amazing! I swear, I could almost feel the fear and anguish that sprouted from the fight! I admit, I didn't feel very... attached to the other chapters, and was struggling to keep reading, but this... I was completely unable to move my eyes off the screen! I'm finding myself looking forward to future chapters.
| DC20 chapter 11 . 2/15/2010
Heh, more like Corporal Han Solo XD Always loved that bit.
One thing to watch out for - some of your tenses were off. You switched from past to present in some places. There were a few other typos, but they were minor.
I agree about Dorothy. A little more detail there would have been nice. It's fine to have things like that happen very suddenly, but the way you wrote it here you just flat out say what happens. That's something that should probably be seen in a case like this, not told. Nils was done very well though. Nice job with that.
I liked how you expanded on the events of the game and even made it into your own scenario. It was good to see both Barious and this sidetrack seen from different angles than the game showed it from.
One question... Did the group have Peter's radio the whole time? Why couldn't they have just used that to communicate with the Squad as soon as they got separated? I know they destroyed the Imperial radio, but later Peter gets a call from Welkin on his own. If they had it, they should have used it sooner. It doesn't really make sense that it pops out of the blue all of a sudden like that.
I liked this otherwise. I'm glad to see you're still writing this, as it had been a while since your last update. I'll agree that I really liked the development with Claudia as well. I also very much enjoyed seeing a lot of the other Squad members, and I really liked your choices for the chapter. Nils is always awesome, and when Marina first popped up I thought she was going to be a prominent figure here, but was very pleased to see that she only showed up briefly and that Oscar ended up being the primary sniper for the chapter. It was really nice seeing him in action for a change. Dorothy was great to see as well, as I can't really think of many other fics she's popped up in. Glad to see you're not just focusing on the big players and giving other Squad members some time. Can't wait to see who shows up next!
| Snowman23 chapter 11 . 2/15/2010
Good chapter, REALLY long. Just 1 thing: Dorothys death was quite sudden, one moment she was firing at imps, the next she was dead or did I miss read that part, was she already dead and it was going through events in her mind as she was dying?. Didn't really say when, if and how she was shot or whatever.
Also, THANKS for giving Claudia SO much facetime on this one :), made me a happy camper. Hm, she seemed quite... comfortable with Peter :)
Those 2 don't seem to get much luck together, makes me think they'd be a better match then Susie and Peter at this point. Well keep it up, I wanna see what happens next.
| RedShocktrooper chapter 11 . 2/14/2010
Well, having recently read this chapter (nicely coinciding with a particular chapter of the game, albeit in a modified form), I do feel a bit nitpicky.
Firstly, you too often refer to people by there names. Not a particularly heavy qualm, but it is a little bit repetitive - getting inventive with terms to refer to the characters (while still making it obvious who you're talking about) keeps things from feeling a small amount like a 'while' loop.
Aside from that little nit, this chapter is well-written (and now that I've figured out how to favorite, I've done so.) The relationship between Peter and Susie is part of my insparation for the relationship between Isara and Hans Beiber in my own fic - yes, YOU'RE why the guy who leaves ANs advising people to download freeware Command & Conquer games took up romance in the first place (that, and it's not VC without romance).
| Cloner4000 chapter 4 . 1/8/2010
't believe I missed a ..I am still recalling in from ch 10 but keep up the good work..
| Cloner4000 chapter 10 . 1/8/2010
Ahh...well can't say I didn't totally saw that comming with Dan and all...but it still put a hole in my heart I guess, it I just don't like people especiliy those that you've read so much dying. Hey...maybe he might be still alive or something..war is very chaotic and you never know what happened!
Anyway I guess this is your story..but I think this chapter is really well done and I bet we'll be seeing a new Peter now...doesn't looks like he has trouble fighting anymore. Anyway, look forward to your next chapter!
| Cloner4000 chapter 9 . 1/8/2010
owhh...the big battle is coming up! I hope everyone will be alright I really do...
| Cloner4000 chapter 8 . 1/8/2010
I laughed so hard when Melville said he's on morphine..that can't be good. And then Ted comes along, this is just getting better and better.