Reviews for Faith
Rayless Night chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
Interesting nucleus for this story - "I always knew he would come" - dovetails very nicely with her in-game "I never doubted you would come" to the group in general. Works well also to underscore Souji's role in Inaba's fate: he's hope, and Naoto's faith in him is hope as much as anything else.

I was really struck by Naoto saying the lab was like a sanctuary, because to anyone else, it has to look demented. But it's an interesting idea, because, after all, her mind made the lab. It is sort of a refuge, albeit a really twisted one.

Explaining her motives - for her own analysis or as an attempt at justification, whichever way the reader chooses to spin it - is very in-character for Naoto. She'd definitely the type who wants to process information and look for motives and answers.

Crit:

Some typos:

"where I was- or how" - extra space after the hyphen

"since that was me it is proper to say she" - awkward phrasing

"throwing salt...extra laugh" - feels too hyperbolic there, plus the images are pretty cliched.

"locked with [my] own"

"[I've] never understood why"

"someone had told me [I would fall] in love with him"

"wishes that he [had] stopped"..."I'm so grateful" or "I'm so pleased", not "more-so grateful pleased"

In general, ease up on hyphens and ellipses. A few are fine, but this feels overboard.

This fic feels really underdeveloped to me. I don't mind that it's short (I really like short fics), but most of it's just retelling stuff we already know from the game - Naoto set herself up, had problems with her Shadow, then got saved. In the final three paragraphs, you throw in her attraction to Souji but give no room to explore it, so it feels flat.

My advice is to shorten the middle section (paragraphs three through five), because if we've played the game, we know all about that anyway. Besides, it's about Naoto and her Shadow, and the focus feels like it should be more on Naoto and Souji. Use the middle to justify Naoto's attraction to Souji, work with the tension (the fact that he frustrates her is a great thing to latch on to), give specific moments from their interactions. After all, if she's waiting to be saved, it makes sense that part of her mind would be on him, even (if not especially) when she's dealing with her Shadow.

It's the difference between showing and telling. Showing immerses the reader in a story. Just saying "this happened and then this happened and this is how I felt" feels more like a lecture.

That's my take at least - I'm just one person, so I can only really give you my opinion.

I can tell, from how many stories you have, you work hard at your writing. Keep up the good work. :)
Crouching Tiger Hidden Shizuru chapter 1 . 9/16/2009
As someone already said, this story does make me recall Drakengard.

Hm... I wonder why. I suppose because it reminds me so much of how Manah would act, which is ironic, as she is also my favourite character. Arioch is a close, close second.

I enjoyed this. It was in character and well-written. C'est magnifique.
Crimson Wolf Tokami chapter 1 . 5/31/2009
Awehh, how sweet. :D Nice one!

Why does this remind me of Drakengard? -_- Ah well.
Twotwentytwo chapter 1 . 5/26/2009
Nicely done. Yeah, Naoto pretty much knew she'd be rescued and was able to tune out her shadow's voice for quite a while with that confidence. Her shout of "You're not me!" is also one of the very few times we hear her true voice(though her masculine voice DOES rise in pitch somewhat when she's flustered/upset).
Azurerin chapter 1 . 5/26/2009
Oh, my... You're really good... To tell you the truth, I really looked up to you... I wish I could be better... And this story really reflected her feelings when she was thrown inside the TV...
hihazuki chapter 1 . 5/26/2009
Extraordinary... a perfect explanation of Naoto's thoughts when she encountered herself..*sigh* I completely messed up on that part...

...I've been meaning to ask when Fiyerna is going to update the Five Years Later fic...it's been a few months now..
GodsmackedHalfbreed chapter 1 . 5/25/2009
Wow! I just get an email saying that you put up like three new stories! That's just crazy! This is so awesome, this is definitely making up for your extended absence. This story was shorter than I expected, but who am I to complain? I am just a lowly fan so I should probably just take it and shut up. Even though it was short it was still awesome as usual.

I'm sorry I never have any kind of constructive critisism but I never can find anything to critisize in your writing! You write naoto like you actually are her, it's a talent that you have that I really admire. I'm just fine with the way you write so I'm sorry to say I'm never going to have any kind helpful advise on improving your writing because I like it just the way it is.

Alright! Now on to the other fics! Thank you for the multiple updates!