Reviews for Dead Confederates
Viola Cornuta chapter 2 . 6/9/2009
The utter bliss of Po' Wite Hi Skool-that really was a satisfying gift; thanks so much for the entertainment! Theme song for Prom 2009: "I'm My Own Grandpaw". And CrackerWard manages to make me sad in his bitterness even as I laugh out loud. Can't wait to see where this goes!
AmeryMarie chapter 2 . 6/9/2009
Wow! Just mothereffingloving WOW!

I know we were in for some good shit because you never fail to disappoint, but, Rie-Doll, you have just astounded me. I really am on my knees in awe and delight and even jealousy. Once again I am left with the urge to loudly declare how unworthy I am to even be in your masterful presence. Your words delight, tittilate, excite, ad infinitum, ad naseum (I know you don't want to hear how much like a thesaurus I can sound like)

From the beginning, the very first sentence, you had me laughing... loudly.

"No fucking way was he getting near Bella’s beaver with his scummy meat cleaver!

I preferred commando myself. Easy in, easy out. I sniggered, briefly. But held my smug smirk in check when I remembered, latently, that Esme did my laundry too."

That was hysterical, I could totally picture him checking back his smugness at that realization and the play on Leave it to Beaver was pure genius.

"...70’s style pornstar moustache twitching..."

You know how I feel about the pornstace.

“Don’t bogart all the pussy, man!”

Bwahahaha!

But then you get to this part...

"They looked through me and gave me a free pass of lassitude. This was the only place that held me in thrall. Not Emmett, nor Jazz or Carlisle knew of my rising hope that a soul fluttered beneath the skeletal lamprey wings of my un-interred oblivion."

... and go all Dreamweaver on us and start getting all heavy. Without warning though you slip back to the original cunty funny before ending in a way that just felt very gothic and portentuous and surreal. It was wonderful.

I love the dichotomy of licentious, brawling, cursing, lustful Rebelward and the brooding, thoughtful Edward that we hardly catch glimpses of. There seems to be so much more to him lurking just below the surface and all the brash and crass and filthy are just there to cover, hide, disguise it... even from himself.

Rie, this story is a goldmine for the funny but I think there is more depth to it than that. I knew you wrote well, but... fuck me this is really fucking good. I can't think of any piece of writing that I have EVER read that wove together so many elements quite as skillfully- the humor, the angst, the gothic-ness, the lust, etc.

I have gone on and on in this review but it still doesn't begin to get across exactly how awestruck, dumbstruck and truly DAZZLED I am.

Brills, babe. Trufax.
Gasaway Alley chapter 1 . 6/7/2009
Frankly, my dear...your mind is terrifyingly beautiful! I love reading fics where someone uses every letter of the alphabet, twice. I will have to go check your other stories. Thanks for sharing your furiously filthy mind. GA
booboo.kitty2.0 chapter 1 . 6/6/2009
Very nicely done BB! It truly is like nothing else I've ever read and just the thought of dirty country boy Eddie has me all frazzled!

I'm really liking where this is going and can't wait to see what you do with it!

*MWAH*
Kyrene once Blood Roses chapter 1 . 6/5/2009
Wow...that was some crazy stuff. I will admit that I'm not really down on the southern lingo and I got myself a little bit confused. I'm hoping that on more reading I understand a bit more, which I'm sure will happen. I will tell you now that this type of Edward usually isn't so much for me. I like mine brooding, angry, depressing, and strange. It's your writing that kept me reading and then finally the description of Jasper to which I went "OK...I can't miss this because of my prejudice against Rebelward". Which works since I got over it really fast. Have I mentioned how much I adore your writing? And this got me cracking up and covering my mouth like "oh snap! He went there!". Can't wait to see where your going with this. Keep Going!
thenextGayleKing chapter 1 . 6/5/2009
I read this story a couple of days ago but am only reviewing it now b/c I've been laughing me bollocks off about it ever since! Just LOVED LOVED LOVED the part about the Snapes (no prizes for guessing why) and things like: "We serve vampires, hear." To which I find myself mentally replying 'Yeah honey' (in my best Southern accent of course!). This is an absolute gem (no, in Bubbaland, cubic zirconia would be more appropriate) of a tale. And I can't wait to read the rest. YEHAW for our good 'ole boys. Bo and Luke Duke ain't got nuthin' on 'em.
emmyemmers chapter 1 . 6/4/2009
This is so well done. Your wit, rhyming and word play kills me. Absolutely genius!
myguy chapter 1 . 6/3/2009
HA-FUCKIN-HA HA! This is so funny! I love the new Cullens! I can't wait to read more of this story! You have a way with words, that leaves me laughing my ass off! God, please update soon! xoxo
brandj chapter 1 . 6/3/2009
I was SO excited to hear that Dead Confederates was up and running! I got the news at work, and sadly couldn’t get Fan Fiction, so I had to wait. And with a long workday, it ended up being this morning. But finally I am here and reading!

Gotta love the dirty south! It’s so nice to read a story & know EXACTLY what everything should look like, how it sounds & how people act (not from SC…Florida, but still…south is south). I died when I read the NO FEAR sticker! Brings me back to HS. Now, I can picture everyone in this area, except maybe Esme! I just don’t see her in the south! Maybe as a Southern Belle….but not with these hoodlums!

Your words help paint the perfect picture. You can clearly see everything from the way you write. The land, the house, the diner….everything! Even the poor little ‘possums!

And I would love to write more…but the little one is getting into EVERYTHING! So I have to run, but not before I saw AWESOME chapter! Dying for more! And will stop by thread when time allows!
BellaStjerne chapter 1 . 6/3/2009
Rie, I haven't laughed this hard since … well, since Comeuppance. I love your sense of humor, your wit and sarcasm. Not to mention your use of irony “To avoid notice and attention I became ever more devoid of my previous decades of humanity.” There are so many gems in this story I wouldn't know where to start, but this is my favorite: “Only a stupid-ass, South-of-Broad mama's boy with the last name of Legare would be caught dead sporting the name Edward.”

Once again you have shown your mastery in painting vivid, luscious pictures and creating fascinating characters. The boys are so aptly described: playful Emmet “ his crude, crass, bellicose, belligerent brand of bonhomie that made Em the quintessential manifestation of a person in these here parts”; all-embracing laissez-faire Jasper “ he was the most un-racist, un-sexist un-dead I’d ever met” and priceless angsty self-loathing jerk Edward: “I was Edward Cullen. Vampire first. Hard motherfucker last and foremost. And Eddie Cock-hard Cullen did not wax philosophical!” He is not philosophical, all right, he just smells like “Old Spice soap-on-a-rope” :)

Your social commentary is spot on. One of the reasons Jane Austen is still so widely read is because she was a keen observer of her fellow human beings and the society of her time. She mocked them while describing them precisely. Similarly, your astute, superb social observations give us a brilliant glimpse into the follies, minds, hearts, customs and traditions of life in the South late 20th and 21th century. Your cultural references are to die for.

One last thing. Who would have thought that the two cataclysmic and catalytic events in the lives of these boys would be changes in climate and love, in that order: “Life had transformed upon our immigration to stateside. And was ordained to be altered once again with the advent of Bella”
Viridis73 chapter 1 . 6/3/2009
Holy fuck Rie, dumpster diving for furniture? A double wide? It's either rurual Maine (I can say that 'cause I live here) or the South. Christ. Baring the accent it could be my neighbors.

"shitnanigans"

Love that word.

"A sardonic grin tried folding over a nauseating new nervousness. No fucking doubt my body could play out all of Bella’s fantasies. But what of my nonexistent heart? My frigid, other-worldly being?

Fuck. Off.

I opted for the panty-dropping crooked smile instead and deemed myself ready…to meet my own destiny. Or my death. Or another meeting with a raging case of an egregious erection of epic proportions. Same fucking thing.

End this"

Fucking love this!

"Diabolical and predatory, and accursed. Cursed with senseless killing gifts coupled with a Carlisle-gifted conscious. Sometimes I hated that bastard; my father, my mentor, my maker. He who had stolen me from life on earth, eternity in heaven and instead gave me ceaseless survival at my mother’s request."

How do you do this?

"On partaking of real blood in the very rare instance and parlaying before the splayed legs of fragile women on a nightly basis, I let it all ride. I didn’t have a Christ complex, crucifixion wouldn’t kill me anyway. What was the point of guilt when you could sin at will, love forever, and feel nothing? Fucking enlivened me, booze deadened me. They were my own personal brand of uppers and downers.

Salvation?"

Oh my god. I am in complete awe. Again.
frol chapter 1 . 6/3/2009
Ok...I am enthralled. How can I not be with such gems as "Pie Shop" and "Twat talk?" I love the images you weave with words. So colorful and tasty. I swear I can twirl it with my fingers.

"Travolta could kiss the hard pristine ageless musculature of my seventeen year old glutes." Hilarious. Although it makes me feel old thinking about the fact that you're talking about a sequel to a movie that I know better than I should.

"prurient penchant for pussy of the populace" can it get better than dirty alliteration? Damn girl. Rock my English degree wearing socks.

I will go into more on the thread because I'm like that and well hell...who wants to read all this fangirl crap here anyway? (other than you of course) and I can kiss your literary feet on the forums.

looking forward to more smutty sagacious salaciousness!
pixiekat7 chapter 1 . 6/2/2009
SWEET HOLY HALE RIE! DAMN, JUST DAMN! You are an effing fabulous wordsmith Darlin'...I am so yours!

How do I find the right words to describe how much I ADORE this story? First of all I find it comical to find our refined Cullen Coven livin' rough & wild in the Dirty South! But you pulled it off perfectly! Em is just soo Em, loud & crude & perfectly at home, Rose is a pure hell raisin' bitch on wheels...gotta love her. Jazz, good god, adorable, horny little devil, isn't he? Bella is Bella, unaware of her beauty & the pull that she has on Edward, but aware that something is definitely up(*wink, wink*) with Edward. Rebelward, what can I say? Poor dear is a bit bitter & very blue-balled & I LOVE it! I can't tell you how hard I laughed at some of the stuff that came out of his mouth...I could quot but I'd end up quoting every line in the chapter.

*huge happy dance* I can hardly wait to meet Alice, Esme & Carlisle. And as far as the story goes...I will happily follow wherever you lead! Much love & many, many smooches!
dreaminofforks chapter 1 . 6/2/2009
Nice! I'm into it...
AmeryMarie chapter 1 . 6/2/2009
Brava, Rie BB. Fuckawesome. Really. You rock out, with your cock out while you continue to rock my socks off.

I want to drop to my knees, obeisant, and kotow to your supremeness. I'm not worthy, I'm not worhty. I am for reals amazed and still so unbelieving that you not only allow me to be bask in your GoldenMeadow but that I can count you amongst the small circle of fellow ficsters that I consider friends and whom champion my fic. You dazzle me.

Your Eddie is Edward like I've never seen him- all crass and brash, sleazy and whorish, ribald and raw, grungy, grimy and foul but still oh so fuck-me-hot and still retaining the traits that made him such a shameless, self-indulgent fantasy of so many (maybe more so, 'cause the gentleman was sweet and hot, but every girl likes to fuck a bad boy).

This shit...

"I didn't know what I wanted more.

Kill the bitch.

Or fuck the shit out of her. I wanted to gorge myself on her pussy pie, up and down and all around town."

... the best reimagining of a line ever. The runner up to that being...

"Fucking enlivened me, booze deadened me. They were my own personal brand of uppers and downers."

I have to say though... no judging me for this little reveal, btw... WHAT. THE. FUCK. is wrong with me that this line is a little bit, alot disturbingly, lust inciting...

"I ate her out before I bit her clit while she threw herself back in ecstasy. It was so easy to suck every last drop of hoity-toity blood out of her as she dropped into her cum-face glaze."

... I clearly have vampire issues. Or something the fuck else wrong with me.

I loved Bubba-Em too and can totes see him in that video. Your Em is like canon Em finally being allowed to be his basest self and I love it. His language is wow and unbelievably worse than mine which would srsly shock my Mum. I say fuck a lot more frequently, but he is hands down creative.

“!”

That shit is just effing brills. In fact, I need to incorporate that into my daily conversations.

Despite my love all the creative cursing my fave line regarding Em a little tame but oh so apt...

"Caveman clearly thought he was still in the Paleolithic era."

And Jazz and Bella and Rose, and whatever the fuck is the deal with Alice... loved it all. Too fucking brills and win BB. I have a feeling you are cunningly crafting an acutely original and clever yet sensationally tawdry delight of a fic. I for one can't wait for the journey. You are a Master Wordsmith and so, so much more. Love and adore you. So, so win, doll.
1,864 | « Prev Page 1 .. 114 121 122 123 124 125 Next »