|Reviews for Trust Pack|
| gabelou1991 chapter 1 . 3/28
| kayleigh fagan chapter 14 . 11/11/2013
this is a post for last chapter: WHY ARE THEY ALL DYING? I CANT STOP CRYING
| jsoon500 chapter 28 . 4/7/2012
Here is your requested review.
At first I did not like the first person story telling format. I felt that it was a little awkward, but you made it work later on in the story with powerful description and great flow of story telling.
I think that the style of writing is pretty good. You are able to capture the feelings of the characters and protray them well. I could literally see myself in the shoes of the other characters and not just Gohan alone, and that is pretty impressive since you are writing in a first person format.
One interesting thing about your story, the selling point, is the concept of the trust pack, which you have introduced. Even though I hate saiyan mind bonds (which authors ruin their stories by introducing them), you used this concept beautifully through the middle chapters. not so much at the beginning though. I think this is what seperates this story from the others. Use this plot point to your advantage, and harp on it. It would be good to see this being a major factor at the ending of your story.
When I started reading, I was a little confused as to how things went about. The reemergence of Ginyu did not help either. It started out as a big mess with no direction at the beginning, but you manage to round it up nicely later on, and made everything clear.
No qualms about writing style and content. I think that these are pretty solid.
However, one important factor about G/V stories is the romance. It has to be well done, if not it will definitely ruin the story. It feel quite rushed at the beginning. Having the two of them suddenly falling in love was weird. Despite of that, you gave vibrance and life to their romance through the middle chapters with great description of feelings, actions, and the mind reading (which is, as stated before, the selling point of your story) and I salute you for that.
The dream sequence was poorly done though. You drifted from first person to third person, which made the reading transition quite difficult. Not mention the organization was bad as well. It was just as confusing as the beginning of the story. However, one thing I liked about it was that it was heavily related to the trust pack (correct me if I'm wrong, but that was my impression), which is the bonafide point of this story.
About the villain Ginyu, I think he may be overpowered as he cannot properly control the bodies of other people (as seen in the anime), but its your story, so whatever goes.
One thing you need to improve on is organization. The writing style is beautiful and content is rich, but it seems to meander around the main points. Sometimes, it feels like I'm reading a Lord of the Rings Epic novel, and then Charlotte's Web kids novel. It would be better you kept the epic tone to your story. Erasa was just out of place here. I felt she really messed up the tone in chapter 28 with her dialogue.
Also, please paragraph properly. Dialogue should ALWAYS be on another paragraph. I had much difficulty seperating dialouge from narration, and it didn't help that you were writing in first person.
Seeing as you'll be concluding your story soon, here's some tips:
1. Keep the epic tone. No useless character who don't flow with the story.
2. Ogranize the events. It may be hard with first person story telling, but I think you'll be able to make it work. That means don't suddenly pop out with another trust pack element that does not make sense(like now Videl will be half saiyan and can go super and kicks everyone's butt).
3. Proper Paragraphing.
4. Mantain the fantastic descriptive writing style and rich content. Be sure to round up any loose plot points that you may have left out and not addressed.
Well, good luck with your story! Update soon!
| MidnightDeath666 chapter 28 . 1/15/2011
damn man this story is starting to get fucking confusing im starting to not get what the hell is going on
| RoronoaZoro87 chapter 28 . 12/21/2010
Good story. i wanna ee more )
| Sharpclaws chapter 20 . 11/25/2010
Quick! Fly there an make a random wish! just like Oolang did in DB!
Awesome story by the way.
| LieOfLiving chapter 27 . 8/21/2010
I really hope you haven't dropped this story. I was scrolling through my favorites and realized this one hasn't been updated for awhile. Its a great story, so please don't drop it, or at least pass it on to another willing author, to finish it up. Anyways, I hope you keep with it, and I also hope to see another chapter soon!
| Ain21 chapter 27 . 6/20/2010
Really into the story please update soon.
| GohanSSJ2x chapter 27 . 5/3/2010
hmm ok i had to re-read it twice cuz it was a little confusing but i got it in the end
| Aaron Leach chapter 27 . 5/2/2010
| GohanSSJ2x chapter 26 . 4/26/2010
this story is intense i hope videl wakes up soon
| Aaron Leach chapter 26 . 4/26/2010
| l.lunatic chapter 26 . 4/26/2010
wow...pleez update soon
| DarKestDaYe chapter 26 . 4/26/2010
Epic! Update Soon!
| UltimateGohan42 chapter 25 . 1/14/2010
great story so far, i really really liked ch.24 tho