|Reviews for Nanny Bella|
| smith041 chapter 5 . 8/11
Why do you have to write Bella so weak and stupid?
| twlightbella chapter 29 . 6/25/2014
Edward and Bella get married, Alice and Jasper get married
| clideclant chapter 1 . 5/13/2012
The feedback that I have for this story is how fast/slow the plot moves. Sometimes, when a point is not important of a point that people that have already read twilight should know comes up, you spent a lot of time on this specific part (i.e. describing Rosalie, all you need to do is reenforce the idea that she's beautiful, not describe her all over again. you could just say "there was a beautiful girl that made me feel like trash on Emmett, the huge guy's arm". You only need to add descriptions about something if it is essential for the readers to know).
On the flip side, sometimes when a point needs to be emphasized, the writing doesn't capture the right atmosphere (i.e. when Edward catches Bella when she falls, you do a really great job of describing the 'spark', but you really rush the part. Because that is their first real connection, you might want to drag it out a bit, adding detail about how his arms were warm around her waist, or how his hair might've brushed her cheek or something. This whole scene feels really rushed, and the interruption from Jane is logical, but the way that they just break away from each other without another thought makes it not seem important that there is a spark. Even mentioning Bella's blush on the way down the stairs would help this scene).
Also, when adding "THE NEXT DAY" in the middle of a story makes me feel like you, as the writer don't feel like writing how we got there. It makes the plot feel rushed and insignificant. You should find a way to work the day-transition into the story, maybe having Bella lay down and think over the highlights of the day while laying on her new and foreign bed will help a) emphasize the important parts of the day and help the reader know what to remember and b) effectively show that there is only one day passing. This will also give you time to let the characters reflect on their emotions and provide n opportunity for character development.
This is more of a personal preference thing, but I feel like the characters in this story really need emotion. Having Bella go from small town forks to college to a new nanny job and not having her once say "I was sad to leave my roommate behind" or "I was looking forward to the new job and seeing the big city" makes it feel like the characters are robots. Don't be afraid to put yourself in their shoes and show that they are indeed people. This is especially important when writing in 1st person, because the reader is expecting insight to the characters' unique thoughts and feelings, not just their actions.
On top of this, (and honestly this might not be your goal in this story), but the plot of this story can appeal to both males and females. I understand if you were writing this story for females, but if you were trying to or try to appeal to both audiences in the future, comments like "man candy" may not be the best option.
1) To sum it up, don't linger on things that aren't the most important, like Rosalie's beauty, and emphasize what is important to the character.
2)Don't be afraid to add detail, just add it in the right places.
3) Work on transitions, and find your own style of showing the passing of time that helps your story flow.
4) ADD EMOTION! Your characters can't all be robots.
5) Think of your audience. Who do you want to read this? Who will this story appeal to? and try to make the writing fit to them.
I know that you might not be working on this story anymore, but I feel like these are tips that will help you with future/current writings too. This is basic advice that will help your story flow better, sound better, and attract more audience. You have the plot and the language, not all you need is appeal. Just feeding me the plot won;t cut it-add emotion, detail, stress, and appeal to all writing. Perhaps getting a beta that focuses on style will help you, or getting an author or an english teacher to read it will help. You have the foundation or a great story, all you need to do is build on it.
| BeautyBearClaire chapter 29 . 12/25/2011
I am also a fan of say yes to the dress
| socool123 chapter 7 . 9/22/2011
so far I really like this story it's awesome keep writin!:):):):)
| Edward's spouse chapter 29 . 5/4/2011
| Peace.Love.CSI chapter 29 . 11/23/2010
That was so cute! It ended kind of abruptly, but it was good. I like how you wrote the characters and how you mixed drama and fluff. You're a great writer, keep writing- I'd love to see a sequal! :D
| JaN319 chapter 1 . 11/15/2010
i love this story
| Peace.Lovee.Edward chapter 29 . 10/3/2010
awesome story! i loved it to pieces!
| sarahlouise80 chapter 29 . 8/17/2010
that was awsome!loved it.
| sarahlouise80 chapter 12 . 8/17/2010
aww poor bella and tears to my eyes but i am soft it works out for em.
| sarahlouise80 chapter 10 . 8/17/2010
tanya is such a bitch sorry for the strong language!poor bella n edward.
| Hope Edwards chapter 29 . 6/15/2010
that was great
| gemma loves edward chapter 29 . 3/13/2010
really good story i loved it so much your a great writer so please keep writing more stories :)
| blueheart93 chapter 29 . 1/13/2010
I love this story! It is amazing!